At work showers

[yogi_deuce]

What would you do? Etiquette rules?

DH's CO is getting married. She did not invite anyone from the shop except one lady. The lady is throwing her a shower during work hours at work. She had DH call me while she was standing there to see if I would make a cake (it is something I do on the side). Couldn't really say no, DH would have killed me if I said no to his chief. So I am baking the cake and believe me she was specific. All the people in the shop pitched in money to buy decorations and such. Now she wasnt them to each donate $25.00 (for a group gift) or a present.

Here is my issue. I am making a two tiered fully decorated cake that will feed 50 people. I am also setting up for the party since they will all be at PT. She also asked DH yesterday if I will bring some "party food". The party is Friday. These 2 women are DH's CO and Chief (they both outrank him). So DH tells me to go shopping for a gift. I feel bad for these 45 guys (Sailors and Civilians) who feel they have to do this. Not one of them are invited to the wedding and none are friends outside of work.

Do I? I am doing the cake and food, shouldn't that be enough.

[Cindy]

Wow. $25 bucks a person? At school, we just pass an envelope around and usually put in whatever you want. Then the grade level or whoever takes the $$, and they take care of the cake, paper products, punch, and the gift(s), depending on how much is there.

I would think that you have done enough. I know it puts you and DH in a rock and a hard place.

[nikkiana]

My gut feeling is that the Chief means well to throw CO a shower, but she is, quite frankly, abusing her power as an officer. This shower probably shouldn't be thrown at all. I had my FH, who used to be in the military, read over your post and he agrees with me. Regardless of whether the Chief realizes it or not, she's using her rank to bully the sailors and civilians that work in the shop into participating in something that's not work related. That's wrong regardless of what you do for work, but it's ESPECIALLY in the military.

I'm not entirely sure what you should do... I probably would have told the Chief from the beginning that I felt that her throwing a shower for the CO was very sweet and good intentioned, but inappropriate for her to do and declined to participate and then possibly send a gift to the CO.

[Jaci]

Are you getting paid or reimbursed at all for the cake and food? If not, politely decline stating that "the cake/food is my gift" or something.

[Cindy]

ITA Jaci!

[yogi_deuce]

No we aren't getting reimbursed for anything. Nikkiana I felt the same way. But to say something like that to your DH's CO or Chief could possibly be a strike against him during evals. I don't want something I do or say (or don't do/say) to bite DH next month during his eval. It is against the rules to be having it but they work in a small shop in a huge command. I should be used to the military ways by now but somethings never fail to throw me.

I just finished a quilt and that is probably what she is going to get from us. I like his Co (not so much the Chief) and made the quilt for her and had planned to also buy a gift. But with the money spent on food and the time on the cake I won't. She admired a quilt DH took to the Chaplain (he was doing our vow renewal) so I am sure she will like that well enough.

[lizaanne]

My bestfriend and MOH recently asked me if I wanted to help with a family wedding she was making a cake for. I am a fellow wedding junkie, and love her to death, so of course I said yes! We worked like convicts helping with just about everything, got to be guests for a bit, then helped clean up at the end of the day.

Of course I took a gift. It is the right and proper thing to do.

It wasn't much, a large glass pillar candle holder with a matching candle, but I would NEVER go to an event empty handed. Yes, this was the wedding and not a shower, but I was not an invited guest, I was there to help out AND be a last minute guest. Still - I would never go empty handed. Even if you take a pretty picture frame with a photo of their cake in it, at least it's saying you aren't there JUST to provide a service or do a favor, but you are there to honor their day as well.

~Liza

[nikkiana]

No we aren't getting reimbursed for anything. Nikkiana I felt the same way. But to say something like that to your DH's CO or Chief could possibly be a strike against him during evals. I don't want something I do or say (or don't do/say) to bite DH next month during his eval. It is against the rules to be having it but they work in a small shop in a huge command. I should be used to the military ways by now but somethings never fail to throw me.

Yeah, unforunately I think you're sorta stuck between rock and a hard place at this point.... I think you're right, it could possibly reflect negatively on evals if you say something... DESPITE the fact that it shouldn't (and if it did, i would say that your DH has some really crummy officers who don't know their head from their butt).

Probably the best thing you can do is bake the cake, make the food and bring the quilt and leave it at that.... and next time, don't agree to bake the cake to begin with....

But the unprofessionalism the chief has shown literally makes me want to barf (I know, I know, I'm getting pissed over a bridal shower and there are far grosser cases of officer incompetance happening that are getting people killed)... Here's to hoping that the CO graciously recieves the shower and then when she realizes that the Chief put the shop up to it, reams her out in private due to her lack of professionalism.

[yogi_deuce]

Yeah, unforunately I think you're sorta stuck between rock and a hard place at this point.... I think you're right, it could possibly reflect negatively on evals if you say something... DESPITE the fact that it shouldn't (and if it did, i would say that your DH has some really crummy officers who don't know their head from their butt).

Probably the best thing you can do is bake the cake, make the food and bring the quilt and leave it at that.... and next time, don't agree to bake the cake to begin with....

But the unprofessionalism the chief has shown literally makes me want to barf (I know, I know, I'm getting pissed over a bridal shower and there are far grosser cases of officer incompetance happening that are getting people killed)... Here's to hoping that the CO graciously recieves the shower and then when she realizes that the Chief put the shop up to it, reams her out in private due to her lack of professionalism.

This was how DH "asked" "Honey (he never calls me that) Chief is throwing a bridal shower for CO why don't you make the cake. I emailed you a picture."
I knew then that it wasn't his idea and he was sorry but I shouldn't say no.

Thank you for understanding. I used to be very involved with his Navy stuff but I got burned out. I keep telling myself just a bit longer. There will be no reaming the Chief she is his Co's Co, lol. But I understand what you are saying.
Thank you everyone. I couldn't imagine having a shower for people who aren't invited to the event. To me that is rude. I could understand maybe a destination wedding that was having a reception back home to include everyone.

[Jaci]

See, I thought it was okay to have a shower with people who aren't invited if it's a work shower put on by someone at work?

Either way, they've put you in a crappy situation. It sounds like you are handling it well though.

[nikkiana]

From what I'd been told, there are two exceptions to the rule of "invite only people who will be invited to the wedding to the shower", one is if the shower is thrown by co-workers. Two, is if the shower is thrown by a religious organization that you belong to.... Usually it's understood that you're at no obligation to invite co-workers and fellow church members.

The problem specific to work showers, I think, is the fact that when people who are higher up in management/higher ranking plan the shower and include people of subordinate positions, they either don't realize or don't care that everyone may not want to participate in the shower and as a result of their higher position, subordinates may feel unnecesarily pressured to participate because they feel they may be reprimanded.... I would say this is probably far worse in a military situation than in a civilian one.

If I were in a situation where I wanted to throw someone I was working with a shower and I was a manager of a group of people, I'd probably throw the idea out to the people under me and say something to the effect of "I was thinking it might be a nice idea to have a shower for Sally, but I don't feel comfortable being in charge of planning it because of my position, if any of you have an interest in hosting it, I would be really supportive of it, but don't feel that you have to."

[lizaanne]

A good way to get around this is to make it an "open house" sort of thing, not structured, just stop by and have a drink if you like. Then there is no pressure, and who ever comes does, and if they don't they don't.

I would never have a problem saying no to a manager here where I work, but we don't have an intimidating corporate leadership structure, so nothing ever feels forced. I can see how this could be very stressful in a small company though, where there is that political stress.

~Liza

[Jill]

It is acceptable in my work place for us to have a bridal shower even if none of us are going to the wedding. It is always done, but is never a big deal. If someone is nice enough to make a cake (not like what you are doing, just a regular cake), that is cool, or else we pick one up from the store. Other than that we might "pass the hat" and get something off the registry or a gift certificate. Some people like to give something special, but I think $25 each is on the upper limit that we would be spending for a colleague's work shower.

Sorry that you are more involved than is fair.

[Kirsten]

Wow. $25 bucks a person? At school, we just pass an envelope around and usually put in whatever you want. . . . .
This is the way I've seen it done, too. It's totally anonymous so you can feel comfortable contributing as much (or as little) as you want.

Yogi - you really are in an uncomfortable situation. I don't envy you at all. It's too bad that your DH couldn't report the mishandling of the work shower higher up, but I have a suspicion that reporting it would come around and bite him in the butt so it's just not worth it.

[yogi_deuce]

Your right reporting it would be a bad idea. Anyhoo I bought a gift, wrapped it pretty, and made all the food and cake this weekend. I went in this morning at 6:00am and did the decorating while the Petty Officer from the shop down the hall watched the kids and helped me out.

All I can say is that her marriage better last forever.

[lizaanne]

Well, just think that you may be helping to make a wonderful memory for her that WILL last for the rest of her life! :)

~Liza

[yogi_deuce]

She loved the shower. And I am happy to have helped even if it was a pain. Please understand I am not a B**** but I have 6 mo old twins(who crawl) and a 8 mo old grandson who walks. And since I keep him during the day that meant I had to pack the 3 of them up (and my 11 yr old) to set up for the shower. My 11 yr old is the bestest cake holder in the world. I couldn't have done it with out Petty Officer Henderson (that is an official shout out). He was great with the kids and helping. Of course I don't think he minded missing PT to help, lol. Plus we have to be out of our apartment first thing in the AM. So I packed all weekend and cooked and baked a cake. It was so stressful. But everyone enjoyed it and the guys in all the shops took all the extra food so I know they will eat the next few days (bachelor sailors hardly eat anything made at home that doesn't come in plastic).

Anyway she loved her quilt and the set of wineglasses and charms we gave them. She also gave us an invitation to the wedding. But since it is Kentucky I don't see us going.

[lizaanne]

Oh my! I never though you were a b****! Just over stressed with something you didn't ask for.

Glad it's over, and glad it went well for everyone! :)

~Liza

[yogi_deuce]

Oh I didn't mean you. I just wanted people to know why I felt "put out". Normally I am the wife that is setting up everything (especially for bachelors and newlyweds). So I just wanted to clarify why I wasn't thrilled with this one.