Bridesmaid issues

[thefuturemrsgoss]

Okay, I have a bit of a dilemna (I seem to constantly have them these days.) I have 5 bridesmaids. Instead of using David's Bridal, I ordered through a local bridal store, and our bridesmaids dresses has a final ordering date of February 6th. The dress is one the girls picked out themselves, for $108 + Tax. Which I personally thought was an excellent price. 4 of the bridesmaids have already went and got their dresses. There is just 1 girl I'm having problems with.

First of all, she loved the dress and said $108 was a great price (she paid $556 just two weeks ago for her winter formal dress!). But she got engaged a few weeks ago, and is now planning a wedding in december and is suddenly very critical of EVERYTHING I do. She says my wedding is too expensive and that she will come out of her wedding spending only $500. :dontknow: (how??? Is my question) and wants to know that since its my wedding, and she's just "doing my a favor" will i pay for the dress?

THEN she asked me if she can "borrow" my wedding dress when I'm done with it, so she wont have to spend a ton of money on hers. My gown is perfect-for me-and I cherish it-not only for the money spent on/put into it-but for the time and effort i put into finding it.

And she then says that since HER bridesmaids will be me, my friend Tiff (Also my bridesmaid), and Bree (Another of my bridesmaids) for me to order one for ME when I order theirs, and they'll wear those dresses. So everybody's dress except MINE for her wedding will essentially be "free".

:badday: I dont know if I'm being a bridezilla but it just seems like she's trying to dictate my day-and to copycat me... Any advice?

[Winter_Bride]

Initial reaction would be cut and run. If her only reason for being in your wedding is to do you "a favor", then you don't need her. That's my initial reaction.

Why did you ask her to be in your wedding party? Is she a good friend? Is she normally like this, or has her own wedding made her a little :crazy:? She could be stressed out herself, or maybe she's jealous of your budget and plans? Especially if she's saying that you're spending too much money :shrug2: There must have been a reason you chose her.

I would talk to her. You have every right not to lend her your wedding gown. As for the reuse of BM dresses, I actually think it's somewhat thrifty and I'm sure the other bridesmaids appriciate not having to buy another new gown, but if it really bothers you, you should let her know. Unless she's had an unexpected financial downfall, you should not pay for her dress if she initially agreed to the price (especially if it's only $108!!! I've never spent less than $180 on a BM dress)!! I would also give her a chance to bow-out on her own. Maybe she realizes that with her own upcoming wedding she can't afford the BM dress and the other costs bridesmaids incur. Or maybe she just can't devote the proper time and focus to your wedding if her's is only 6 months after. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to her.

Ultimately I don't think you're over-reacting or being a bridezilla, and your bridesmaid shouldn't be so critical of you or your wedding. Your bridesmaid should be supportive, assist you in making decisions (which can sometimes involve pointing out flaws in plans, but not to the extent it sounds like she's doing!!), and be HAPPY to stand up for you on your day. It's an honor, not a favor.

[carolinalady67]

umm, she sounds crazy to me! Sorry I'm very short on time right now and will come back to expand on my comment later. But you are not being a bridezilla, she needs a reality check.

[thefuturemrsgoss]

i chose her beacuse she's been a good friend of mine since i was 6 years old. She's the type that's sweet until she doesn't get her way, and then catches an attitude. It's hard to explain.

[Winter_Bride]

That makes things more difficult :sigh: I would definately talk to her then, and give her a chance to either step up, or step down.

[Mrs.Brooks]

I agree with Erie. I would discuss everything with her. Sometimes, people have a lot going on and they don't take the time to realize how their actions are affecting those around them. :shrug: I would talk to her and explain to her how you feel. She needs to know that and if she doesn't agree and won't change, then she doesn't need to be in your wedding.

Considering that you've been friends your whole lives though, I would give her the benefit of the doubt at first. I hope she's able to let go of the attitude and be a supportive bridesmaid.

[carolinalady67]

Weddings mean different things to different people. Some dream of the perfect day all their lives. Others just don't see it as a big deal. It seems to me the big fancy "perfect" wedding just isn't what your friend wants. And there is nothing wrong with that. But it is wrong for her to assume that just because your weddings are so close, she can just let you do all the work, pay out all the money, and then she will just reuse all of your stuff. You should talk to her and explain your feelings about the day. How much each of the items you are selecting are special to you, you will be happy to help her with her wedding but you don't want her wedding to be a copy of yours.

What really doesn't make since to me is that she wants you to buy the BM dress for her for your wedding AND pay for your BM dress for her wedding. If she feels it is the bride who should be paying for everyone's dresses then she should be offering to pay for yours.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Wow, this sucks! I HATE friends who all of a sudden are engaged and criticizing everything you do. I had a "friend" who did this and I still hold a grudge against her because of it. :ohreally:

I personally feel that it is an honor to be asked to stand in a friend's wedding, and certainly not a favor!

I think I would (as nicely as possible) sit her down and tell her that you don't understand her change of attitude. She knew when she accepted the bridesmaid position that it came with expenses. Why was she OK with this until now? Remind her that she commented on how good the price was.

I would also (nicely) mention that she has asked you to buy a dress for her wedding. Ask her if she is planning to pay for your dress since you are dong her a "favor?" If she says no, I would ask how that is any different from what she is asking you to do.

I personally wouldn't care if she wanted the girls to reuse the BM dresses (as long as her wedding was after mine!!!:happytears:) If I were a BM I would be THRILLED not to have to shell out for another dress. If anyone even notices, they will just know that she copied you - which does not reflect badly on you unless you throw a fit about it.

I would just gently say no to the wedding dress. Tell her it is highly personal and sentimental, and you want to keep it in the condition it is in and not altered to fit someone else...Tell her she can easily find an inexpensive dress online, at DB, at a consignment store, etc.

[jillian]

Wow, this sucks! I HATE friends who all of a sudden are engaged and criticizing everything you do. I had a "friend" who did this and I still hold a grudge against her because of it. :ohreally:

I personally feel that it is an honor to be asked to stand in a friend's wedding, and certainly not a favor!

I think I would (as nicely as possible) sit her down and tell her that you don't understand her change of attitude. She knew when she accepted the bridesmaid position that it came with expenses. Why was she OK with this until now? Remind her that she commented on how good the price was.

I would also (nicely) mention that she has asked you to buy a dress for her wedding. Ask her if she is planning to pay for your dress since you are dong her a "favor?" If she says no, I would ask how that is any different from what she is asking you to do.

I personally wouldn't care if she wanted the girls to reuse the BM dresses (as long as her wedding was after mine!!!:happytears:) If I were a BM I would be THRILLED not to have to shell out for another dress. If anyone even notices, they will just know that she copied you - which does not reflect badly on you unless you throw a fit about it.

I would just gently say no to the wedding dress. Tell her it is highly personal and sentimental, and you want to keep it in the condition it is in and not altered to fit someone else...Tell her she can easily find an inexpensive dress online, at DB, at a consignment store, etc.I agree with all of this.

Something I don't get about your friend is that you said she spent over $550 on a gown for a formal event but claims she won't spend more than $500 on an entire wedding. I don't think she really knows what she's getting into.

I think what seems to be your biggest peeves about reusing the BM dresses is that you'd end up paying for 2 of them at the end just because she wants to save some money. Correct me if I'm wrong of course.

[Mrs. Bebe]

This is a tough situation, because it seems like you are obviously hoping to preserve the friendship as well. All I can really say is that your frustrations seem very justified. If you have been friends for this long, I imagine it's because you can talk to each other openly and honestly. Have you tried mentioning how you feel at all? I, personally, would try to schedule an "US day"- a day where the two of you do something you enjoy together. Give yourselves a few hours to discuss everything openly and honestly and I truly hope that you will be able to clear the air and make your friendship stronger.

I hope everything works out for you.

[thefuturemrsgoss]

Basically yes, it does seem like I will be paying for two dresses in the end... It annoys me beyond belief. We talked last night, and she fails to see what is wrong with any of it. Since she seemed to think it was too expensive, Ben and I even discussed paying $20-$30 on each of the bridesmaids' dresses as their gift. That would make the dress $78-$88 dollars. When I mentioned this to her, she still expressed that she'd need to "borrow the money from me" and "she hoped I had enough saved to purchase an extra for me at her wedding".

From talking to her, it seems like she thinks the world owes her something ?? I don't rightfully know. Even after we discussed the wedding dress she commented "Yeah, but what's more important, your sentiments or helping your friend out?"

Sigh. Ben made a comment last night and I am starting to see what he's talking about. He said well, it seems like she's wanting a wedding sponsered by us, and she's not wanting to put much on it. Well, it makes sense. She wants my wedding dress-free of charge. She wants me to buy her bridesmaid dress and MINE for her wedding. She also thinks this $20-$30 is a great idea, which i do, too, but if the dress is going to be used at her wedding too, she could contribute a little. Just a thought.

I'm really at a standstill. I had never dreamed something like this would come up.

[Mel]

alright, i'm just gonna be blunt here -- basically i feel you have to be harsh and honest and let her know what she agreed to when she accepted the honor of being a BM. tell her point blank what is expected and she will have to either step up or step down.

if she is that good of a friend, she won't hold it against you or your friendship. if she does, then maybe she wasn't that great of a friend to start with.

[km]

I think she wants to opt out of being in your wedding, but instead of telling you straight that she no longer wants to, or can be in it she is giving you some really odd excuses to be mad enough at her to tell her she is no longer in the wedding. JMO

[Sk8ermaiden]

I think you tried to be nice and at this point it's time to be blunt. The price on the dress is more than reasonable, and she needs to order it ASAP, or else bow out of the wedding.

I also would not order my dress for her wedding yet, just in case she changes her mind. Tell her you will wait until closer to her wedding.

And tell her keeping the once in a lifetime, searched for months, expensive, married your soulmate, dress in its current condition is more important to you than giving her a handout. That you didn't mind her asking, but that she keeps pushing it is really crossing the boundaries of good manners.

[Mandy]

Absolutely! The time has come for you to be blunt. She needs to understand that while she is planning a wedding...she's supposed to be helping you with yours too. I had this exact problem at our wedding. Unfortunately, it was my SIL. I also had 2 BMs that were engaged and planning their own weddings at the time. It was obvious that my wedding was more of an after thought at that point, but at least they were there when I did need them. It doesn't sound like this girl is giving you the same respect.

The dress issue needs to be dropped ASAP. That takes some real balls to even ask. No. Just no.

As far as the bridesmaid dress issues: the using the same dress at her wedding may be a little strange (I'm sure more than one person will notice, but it's not the worst thing ever). The paying issue should also be dropped. You've offered to pay for some, and she still says that it's not enough. She of all people should understand the expenses that being a BM should entail.

There is absolutely nothing wrong (at least in my mind) in saying "if you're not willing t pull a little weight, then maybe this isn't for you". If you had the money set aside to pay for bridesmaid dresses, I'm sure that conversation would've already happened.

Best of luck!! :hug:

[jillian]

I agree, it's time to be blunt with her.

[carolinalady67]

I'm really at a standstill. I had never dreamed something like this would come up.

:hug99: