guestlist issue...

[Mel]

Ok ladies - I think I am about to be in quite a pickle.....

Here is some background... My dad has 5 sisters. They each have kids. Most of their kids have kids. He also has 5 step siblings with their subsequent generations. Most of these people I have no relationship with.
So when we did the guestlist we decided to invite all of the sisters (w/husbands where relevant) and the cousins either I or my dad had a close relationship with and we thought would want the opportunity to come, and likely would make an effort even if they couldn't in the long run. The cousin list wound up being 9 (plus a few SOs) - needless to say, that left numerous cousins off the list.

Today, I got this e-mail from my mom. My favorite aunt (who's kids were all invited, and one of her grandkids) is in San Diego right now and had dinner with my parents last night...

last night (already) the topic of the wedding came up. Aunt Betty was wondering where the cousin guest list stopped or went. Dad explained you were only inviting the ones you thought would come, because you didn't want to invite just for a gift. (ie. M and R but not C) Here's the story (shortened). D is suppose to spend June with Chad. Sharon and Arnold were cutting it short because of the wedding which they want to come to. Chad thinking it woudl be like a family reunion said he would go, and either got a plane ticket or reservations or something like that.

just something else to think about

Aunt Betty = favorite aunt. M, R, and C are her kids. C is invited b/c dad said so, and since he already was mailed an StD I can't just undo that one...
Sharon and Arnold = Another Aunt and Uncle. Chad is one of their sons and D is his kid (I don't even remember whether its a boy or girl! I don't think i have seen Chad or his brother or any of their kids since my HS grad party in 2000)


thoughts?

[MsJessica07]

I don't think I understand the problem?

[Mel]

chad basically already bought a ticket out for him and his kid and they were not to be invited. nor was his brother.


and my parents are pushovers.

[Becki]

So wait, are you being forced now to invite more people than originally planned? Just because someone jumped the gun and purchased a plane ticket? I think it was wrong on their part to assume anything before invites were out especially since you don't really know them if you haven't seen them in so long.

[JerAndKathy]

Pardon me for being blunt, but it sounds like it's his dumbass luck for buying a plane ticket to an event he hasn't received an invite to.

[MsJessica07]

:doh: Oy.

[Mel]

That seems to be the situation Miss Becki.
It also calls to question the whole cousin situation, b/c if word gets out that Brad is invited and X, Y, and Z other cousins weren't who we actually have relationships with - there could be a whole bunch of drama.

Dad's 5 sisters and their kids...
D - C, P, A, T, L, P (3 invited)
B - M, C, R (3 invited, and 1 next generation)
J - R, S (2 invited)
S - B, C
N - T, J

[Mel]

Pardon me for being blunt, but it sounds like it's his dumbass luck for buying a plane ticket to an event he hasn't received an invite to.


:lol: thanks jer. i needed that.

[Winter_Bride]

Oh dear... :( I don't think he was necessarily wrong in thinking that he would be invited if other cousins were, but I wouldn't have booked ANYTHING before finding out if I was invited or not...

I have to say that I personally think it's awkward to invite one sibling but not another in that sense, just because if I were to find out that my brother and sister were planning on attending a cousin's wedding, then I would probably make the assumption that I was invited as well, KWIM?

I don't even know what to suggest. I think that you need to give your guest lists to your parents IMMEDIATELY, and explain to them that you have limited space, and you've decided to only invite those cousins that you've seen in the last ___ years. That way hopefully they can help set records straight as things arise in conversation.

Chad needs to be contacted IMMEDIATELY, and be informed that he's not invited. I can't think of any way this can be done without hurting feelings or creating some drama or something, but you can't invite ALL of your family, and you needed to draw the line somewhere.

And good luck! :glomp:

[Mel]

thanks erie. though my parents know who was invited -- they picked the cousin guest list! i only said that i really wanted to invite one of the next generation b/c she and i are actually friends.

[Winter_Bride]

Gah!! Then your mom should have said SOMETHING on your behalf...

[Becki]

Playing devil's advocate. If you broke down and invited the other cousins, would they bother to come?

[MsJessica07]

That's basically what we did. Invited everyone on my dad's side, knowing that they wouldn't come. When we sent out invites, I immediately put that on my ticker :lol: Although, they were in South Africa, so that's a little different.

[JerAndKathy]

Tell everyone you're utilizing the facial recognition guestlist policy...We may be related by about 3 drops of blood, but if I wouldn't recognize you on the street, you're not invited.

In all seriousness, though...ARGH! This is why I liked how Kathy 'n I did our guestlist. We did the list according to what we wanted, with a few folks on there for our parents. Showed the list to our parents, said you can make 3 deletions and 3 additions. (Mom was not allowed to uninvite Dad, etc :lol:)

I know that doesn't help much now. But, I can't believe your Mom didn't speak up. Sorry I don't have much in the way of suggestions. :(

[Mel]

my dad's family is big into family, so its likely they would come... plus they live in the semi-area (like 24 hrs of drivetime if that) and since its summer they would bring all the kids along. it could easily add 50 ppl to my guestlist.

thinking about the inviting some siblings thing... with the family i did that with, one cousin lives with my aunt, one lives locally and helped me move into my apt and had visited us in SD before, and the third one my dad often stays with on his road trips... the other three are nuts, including one very preachy evangelical christian who would find all sorts of fun at a very jewish wedding.

[Becki]

Ok, can you invite the preachy one just for my own comic benefit?

I do like the idea of the facial recognition rule. If you're being introduced to someone for the first time at your wedding then they weren't invited for you, but for someone else (usually a parent). Did all of them know you were even in Denver or getting married? I'd use that as my gauge is the answer is no in any case.

[Mel]

i think facial recognition is a good rule :nod:
of the ones i invited, i would def have that. i wouldn't look at them and have to think about who they are... where as i would with the ones i didn't.

i'm about ready to call my mom and tell her that i don't care if the whole family wants to make my wedding weekend into a family reunion. they can all come to denver - i can't stop them from traveling. but i'm only inviting the ones we had planned on to the wedding. i don't care what anyone else does sunday night, but it won't be at my synagogue.

[Becki]

That sounds fair to me. If they want to celebrate, let them. No one can stop them.

[Deidre98]

I am in agreement with the facial recognition rule. :nod:

[Mel]

apparently it got brought up again already....
the crazy evangelical cousin also looked at hotels and has made comments that the price is good so maybe they could come down....

i stood firm with my mom on the guestlist standing as is and that they can come to denver but i am not accommodating the guestlist i cut ppl i really wanted to invite from to have cousins i have no relationship with there. she's stuck on the "not inviting ppl for gifts" thing - which is fine - as long as she is agreeing that more ppl will not be added to the wedding...

[carolinalady67]

i'm about ready to call my mom and tell her that i don't care if the whole family wants to make my wedding weekend into a family reunion. they can all come to denver - i can't stop them from traveling. but i'm only inviting the ones we had planned on to the wedding. i don't care what anyone else does sunday night, but it won't be at my synagogue.

This is kind of what I was going to say. This is your WEDDING, not a family reunion. If I had to invite everyone who came to one of our family reunions to my wedding, I would not have known 95% of the people at my wedding!

It sounds like you came to your guest list in a reasonable and fair way. Stick with it ... make mom stick with it! and feel no guilt.

[km]

:scratch:


:headscratch:


:whoa:

[Angela]

I like the facial recognition thing as well :yes:

Tom has TONS of aunts and uncles on his mom's side. When we did the guestlist up, he added a bunch of them, plus their kids. When we were cutting people, his mother and I both agreed that since I hadn't met them in 5 YEARS of us being together, they didn't need an invite to the wedding.

Just saying I think you should stick to your guns, Swirly, and get mom on board as well.

[Mel]

yesterday she emailed me (b/c my aunt and uncle are still there) saying she was holding to our guestlist.... so i'm glad she took our talk to heart.
she then told me later in the day that my aunt on her side was questioning some of the distant cousins and basically asking for an invite for a cousin i have zero relationship with, but that they are really close to.
oy.

[*Diane*]

Oh, this is tough, Mel, really tough. Is it the budget that has kept you from caving in and inviting all of these cousins?

[Mel]

that and i just don't care to have a ton of ppl at my wedding i don't know.
we have enough wonderfully supportive and loving ppl in our life to have a 200+ person guestlist as it is... i don't need to expand that another 50-100 people just b/c they have the same bloodline...

[*Ashley*]

No offense to you Mel, but why is your cousin that you hardly know so desperate to attend your wedding? It just seems sort of strange, you know? I mean, I guess the whole "see the family" thing, but to be so presumptuous is just rude in my opinion. Your cousin must not have very many friends and feels like he needs this to validate himself, I dunno.

Sorry you have a crazy cousin! And at 200+ you do NOT need to cave and invite more people just because one person is being overly pushy on attending the wedding!!

[Mel]

no offense taken ashley - i'm right there with you!

[*Diane*]

I was kinda taking a different slant. Maybe the rest of the family feels close to you (or your parents) and just wants to celebrate this important step in your life with you.

You know best, Mel, and I have complete faith in your decision.

[Mel]

thanks dianne!

and everyone else :grouphug:

[wannabeNurse2]

I hate it when people say your wedding will be like a family reunion! It's like they don't even care about your wedding. Anyway, I say you should of invited all or none of the Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. People talk and word gets around. Before you know it you will have many more relatives that weren't invited asking for their invitation. They'll say well it worked for Chad. I do however, understand why you didn't invite the distant step family. Good luck with the situation because you've created quite the drama for yourself.

[*Ashley*]

I hate it when people say your wedding will be like a family reunion! It's like they don't even care about your wedding. Anyway, I say you should of invited all or none of the Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins. People talk and word gets around. Before you know it you will have many more relatives that weren't invited asking for their invitation. They'll say well it worked for Chad. I do however, understand why you didn't invite the distant step family. Good luck with the situation because you've created quite the drama for yourself.

I don't really think that's fair to Mel. I don't think she's "created drama" for herself, I think her cousin is making a fool of himself.

[wannabeNurse2]

It's proven that inviting some people while not inviting other people creates drama. So and so will eventually find out that they weren't invited but so and so was. Technically we all create this drama when we make our guest lists. It's just the way it is. Someone is always going to be upset that they weren't invited. Splitting up families makes it way worse. Heck I got so much crap for trying to have a small intimate wedding with close family and friends only because I wouldn't be inviting all of the cousins, Aunts, step family, great grand parents, and Uncles. There was a lot of arguing. To stop the drama FFIL gave us the money so we could invite everyone. Our guest list blossomed from 50 people to 200! There are still friends I'm not inviting for the sake of my fiance's third cousin removed being able to attend our wedding. I hate guest list drama!

[SueMartin]

Mel, can you organise something for the day AFTER the wedding so the family can get together, rather than have them all AT the wedding?

[Mel]

i :nod: ashley.

and sue, we'll see how many people wind up deciding to come in. we were planning on having a brunch on monday anyway which we may be able to include the others into - we will have to see.

my mom held to our agreement for the rest of the trip, and when she saw my cousins it didn't really come up beyond a general inquiry and them both saying they didn't know when the last time was they had seen me or my brother and they would like to see us.

[Deidre98]

I think the whole thought of inviting all or none only works if you have a smaller family but it's not really fair when you have as many branches in the family tree as Mel. I don't think she created any drama for herself. It's her wedding and as long as her parents are in agreement about how the guest list was made, then the rest of the family needs to try and understand and respect her decision.