Have I been replaced?

[Mandy]

I know this is going to sound really infintile, but I'm hoping someone here has some kind words to share with me.

I met my best friend, S, back in high school. We were pretty much inseperable. When my parents divorced, I pretty much lived with her family. Her family really did become a second family to me. In 1999 I moved away from where we were living in IL to WI. We were only a few hours away from one another though, so we visited often. When her little sister passed away in 2004, I was there right away. I was invited to stand with the family in the receiving line at the funeral and was even listed as a member of the family in the obit. Seriously, S really is a sister to me.

But lately, it seems things have changed. I can call her all I want, and I'll only get a call back if she needs something. My mother had to BEG her to come to my bridal shower...she's my MOH! I found her on myspace (something I was trying to encourage her to get in hopes we could keep in touch a little better). She had had it for months and never even mentioned it to me. And her profile is now all about her new "bestest friend". They're taking trips together, they're ALWAYS together! She even left a conversation we were having online about my wedding and let her best friend take over the conversation!!

I know people move on, but I've never ever tried to replace her. She's always been #1 in my book, and she's made it pretty clear that she's gotton someone else to fill my shoes. I try not to take it personaly, but this is supposed to be one of the greatest times of my life...and she can't be bothered to be involved because she's too busy partying with her new friend. I have to admit, it hurts to feel that I'm not as an important part of her life as I thought I was. I know, I should just grow up and get over it, but she really was like a sister to me, and it's hard to think that relationship may be deteriorating.

Am I wrong? Should I try to save a relationship? :mecry: :sigh:

[Deidre98]

As harsh as this is going to sound even though it's not intended that way, sometimes even if you want to save it, a relationship can only be saved if both people want to save it and at this point, it doesn't sound like she does. I do think you should talk to her about this and address your concerns to her so she knows where you are coming from and so you can say you put it out there but then the ball will be in her court and will be up to her to help save it.

Good Luck!!!

[Kari]

The unfortunate thing is that people come and go from our lives. Most of the time highschool friendships don't last into adulthood because as we become adults we find different paths in life. It's no ones fault, it is just the natural progression of things. I am certain she LOVES you but it sounds like the two of you have started to grow into different people.

[carolinalady67]

Has this only started after you started planning your wedding? She may feel you are going to "leave" her for your new husband and is just going to "replace" you first. Just a thought. I do think you need to talk to her and I'd try to do it in person. I'd hate to see you let it go without a fight if you still want a close relationship with her.

[Christa]

No advice, just a hug :hugsmile2:

[destinationbride07]

I totally know how u feel but Like Deidre said it will have to be saved by both of you guys....

[Mandy]

A few of you had asked when this had started..and now that you guys mention it..it really did start to happen since Chad and I got engaged. S was in a very serious relationship and there was marriage talk, but after that relationship ended, she kinda went wild.

She comes up here this week for my birthday and shower...so I'll kinda feel things out and see ow it goes. Hopefully seeing each other again will make things better! Thank you for the advice and kind words ladies--I would truly be lost without you!! :)

[lunarmagic]

I'm so sorry. :( I had that happen with my previous best friend. We both moved away, we were both in relationships, and she slowly just stopped responding to me... would never initiate conversations, and was always running off minutes after we started talking. I stopped trying and I haven't heard from her since.

It may be that your friend is just feeling overwhelmed with all the wedding talk and doesn't want to offend you. I hope you can sort it out. I know it can really hurt to have a friend drift away. :(

[*Diane*]

I think Lisa is right. Just let her know that she still matters so much to you and let her take it from there. Sorry that you are having to go through this. :bighug:

[Kya]

Wow, Mandy kind of going through the same thing right now.

My bestfriend of 13 yrs is very adventurous and has three boys all under 9 yrs old. She is a gypsy as I call her. Well, she just met a man in late June and she was just dating some guy she lost contact with over 4 yrs ago.

So, she was telling me that "J" was a great lover and she was happy she saw him, and the "K" came into play. He was only up here for work and when that was finished he left back to Georgia and invited her down there. So my friend only knew this man for two-three weeks. She planned to move down there and marry him, and take her two sons and not tell there dad where she was going, and left the eldest to his dad.

So normally I am happy for her, but all this here took the cake for me, and she noticed that. So we decided that our last state go out would be July 13, b/c she was leaving on the 14th. Well, I talked to her that day @ 130am, and she never came or called me. So all since July 21 I stopped calling, emailing, texting, and talking to her mother I call my mom. I talked to her mom for like two days, and she was telling me how "A" was mad that she couldn't get there, and how was going to call me to let me know how she was. She never did that either, so on the 21st I called her and she acted like she didn't know me at all. And hung up in my ear, so I tried to call her back and she never picked up.

It hurt but, I am okay with it now.

I agree with Kari on what she just said, and it's sad but growing up is so hard to do when the other doesn't want too.(In my case)

[Naima]

Two parts, dearling. You've never tried to replace her, but someone can feel naturally replaced when a wedding comes around. It may be time for an honest & heartfelt discussion - because she needs to know that you still care about her.

And the other... once you've talked and assessed where you are, think about it. It sounds like you have a long history, and that's something to be valued. That said.. sometimes all you have is a long history. And while you should absolutely value that, there's only so many times you can talk about "do you remember when". Your life paths may cross again, and you'll have more to talk about then. Keep in contact, sure. Discuss your lives, sure. But sometimes you need a break from trying to keep something alive if it isn't.

[Andrea]

wow hunny, im sorry that this has happened to you. i guess what i will say is, just keep pouring on the love and try to show that you still want to be there for her

[Poloke]

HUGS FOR YOU!!!

Everyone here is right... people grow apart, feel replaced, grow up, etc. I've been thru what you are going thru and it did hurt like hell. Had another friend that stopped talking to me b/c I got engaged and she was always jealous that my man would take up all my time...and she couldn't handle the fact that I could not devote 100% of me to her (our ) friendship anymore.

Have fun w/ your bday party & shower, and find the time to talk to her alone before she goes home. Maybe she'll be able to tell you if something is eating at her because of the broken relationship she's had, or the going wild or the new friend.... perhaps the miles between you and she are just too much to be as close as you once were, from her perspective. I wish you the best with this situation and hope that you enjoy the rest of your planning up to your marriage!

[Renny]

I am sorry you are having to go through this :hug: and I was just curious how the shower went and if yall were able to get a few things out in the open?

[Mandy]

Hello ladies! Well, S was out here last week along with my other MOH and my mom. Things were going really great the whole week and I honestly thought things would be getting better after this. Unfortunatly, I havn't heard word one from her since she left. I asked her to call me becuase I knew she was driving a long way and I was worried about her...but I got nothing. In fact, I learned she was meeting up with her "best friend" to take her on their family trip to Mass. where her family is from (I was the only one to have ever been brought along on their annual vacation).

I talked for a long time to Chad about this and he has been a huge help. This was his first time meeting my other MOH, "N" and said he actually enjoyed spending more time with her--she was a hoot!! She's been my BF since we were about 4. She lives in FL so we obviously can't get together as much, but it was like we had never been seperated as soon as she got here. Chad thinks I should make her the "official" MOH and make "S" the other MOH. I've gotta say--I agree.

I guess I am not so upset by it anymore--because she's obviously not. I think everyone has a point--we've all changed. I'm starting a new life as a wife and we're planning on starting a family soon. I don't see S going down that road anytime soon. I have so many other amazing friends that I am blessed with. I don't have the time or energy to keep tracking her down and trying to encourage our friendship.

I appreciate everyone's comments. It's a hard lesson to learn, but I'm glad I learned it now and not later. She put on a good show, but it was just that: a show. Oh well!!!

:hug: for all my supportive friends at MLW! :)

[US_UKlove]

I know this thread is a bit old, but I appreciated reading it (esp. your feedback, Mandy).

I had 2 best friends in high school, L and J. J and I were always the closest of friends - we went to college together and were roommates there, while L went to a different school, and it was really only in the past 3 years when she moved back to our town that I got reacquainted with her.

During that time, J got married while L and I stayed single. I started watching J's personality literally change in front of my eyes. She has become someone who I was now seeing as judgemental and overall very negative - something I NEVER saw in her before.

I started a business this year, and L was supportive of me & offered to help from the word go. J has yet to offer me any sort of help or support. In fact, I think she thinks I'm flat out nuts for even trying to better myself.

My point is (and I do have one!) that I'm watching my closeness 'shift' from one friend to the other - and I am totally okay with that. L's friendship and support is the kind of support I need. I DON'T need negativity and judgement from my friends. I'm not writing J off, nor have I stopped talking to her by any means, but I find myself barely getting together with her at all anymore.