My son was disinvited!!

[Amanda&Hugo]

So, I have an etiquette-impaired cousin who is getting married in a month.

First, we didn't even get an invitation because my cousin included my name on my parents' invitation, as if I still live with them. He evidently believed it ok to exclude my HUSBAND in the name of trimming his guest list- WTF?! My mom gently explained to him how improper this was and we did receive a separate invite later.

We RSVP'd for our whole family (meaning me, husband and son) because there was nothing on the invitation to indicate children would not be invited. In fact, the invitation was filled with wording about how extremely casual the event would be (it is a short ceremony by a justice of the peace at a park shelter followed by picnic) and talked about wearing jeans and tennis shoes. There are also very few people invited, mostly family.

Then tonight my cousin called to ask us not to bring our son! Another WTF. First my cousin tried to say the park would be dangerous for a child (yeah, whatever! :disbelief:), then said they wanted to keep the guest list as short as possible (to which I informed him that our child eats food that we bring on outings). Finally he said they just did not want kids there. I let him know that our usual sitters (family) will be invited so we will not be able to make it unless we can find another sitter. To be honest, we are not even going to look for one. This was just one more offensive and rude move by them so we're not going out of our way. The event is 2 hours away and the day after a much bigger wedding that I'm in (which is highly formal, and guess what... our son's included!) so it will really be a relief not to go. It just sucks to always have this to remember as how we were treated.

So call this a vent, or just an FYI to other brides and grooms out there. If you don't want to invite kids, even those of close family, be very clear ON THE INVITATION so that there are no hurt feelings. Also, never be a dick to your own family about wanting to shorten your guest list. A word to the wise. ;)

[carolinalady67]

The kids thing sounds like a misunderstanding, but to include you on your parents invitation and exclude your husband? :huh:

[Maria 05]

The kid thing sounds like a misunderstanding but the including you and not your husband was just bizarre.

[*Ashley*]

That's just strange. Is his fiancee a raging bitch? That would explain a lot.

[Maria 05]

Or are they just fecking clueless? There is a hammer here if you want it
:hammer:

[jillian]

I don't know. On one hand it's rude to call up your guest and make up reasons why her son can't go to the wedding but on the other had it's rude to add another person on the RSVP. If your son was not included on the invitation then he was not invited.

[angie]

I agree your cousin made a big mistake sending your invitation to your parents and excluding your husband. That was just thoughtless. However, if your son's name wasn't on the invitation, I hate to say it, but he wasn't invited in the first place. Sorry...:shrug2:

[nikkiana]

Having been on wedding boards for a long time, it seems to be accepted practice that unless there's an "and family" or the kids are mentioned on the invite by name, it's an adults only event....

That said, I do think it's tricky because it's one of those things that doesn't seem to be universally known... I invited kids to my wedding and had "and family" added on to everyone I knew who had kids, and a lot RSVPed without kids because they somehow thought the kids weren't invited... and I've seen occasions where "and family" or the kids names weren't on the invite but the kids were actually invited and the bride and groom expected the parents to know through osmosis or something.

I think best practice in most cases is to double check if it's unclear.... and in this case, with the other etiquette snafu... it was definitely unclear.

[Amanda&Hugo]

Well... I decided that if this person clearly only wants 2/3 of my family there (meaning only me), then NONE of us are going!! I called and said if our whole family wasn't invited then they can take us off the guest list.

I would never in a million years have called anyone that planned to come to our wedding and said they shouldn't bring a member of their family... that is just horribly rude IMO. I would like the hammer please! :) :hammer:

[*Diane*]

It is a wedding at the park, for heaven's sake!

I think this is a good example of plain ole ignorance. The bride and groom should have done some investigation before sending out invitations.

I would have my feelings hurt, Amanda, and I would take the same route of just not going.

[*Stacie*]

I wouldn't go either. Considering it is a wedding in the park, where you TAKE kids anyway, what is the issue?! They were rude from the get go with the invitation to your parents only... and you're right, if they only want 1/3 of your family there... why on earth would you go!

IMO... unless it is mentioned on the invite that it is an adult only reception, I would assume kids are invited.

[~*Kate*~]

I go by what's written on the invite (no kids' names = no kids), but in this case, you obviously couldn't assume that they were expecting you to follow the standard rules of etiquette considering they obviously had no clue what they were! It doesn't sound like you'll be missing much!

[Trinia]

Well, I have to disagree with you here. If you didn't see his name on the invite, then I would assume that he was not invited. :shrug: It shouldn't have to say on the invite anywhere it is a childless wedding, If the invite said to you and your husband then you are the 2 people that are invited, no one else. Whether or not you think he should go, or you can't go because you have no other babysitter besides everyone that will be there. That isn't their problem, If they don't want kids they don't want kids and have the right to tell you so. Just because it is at a park doesn't mean they have to include children, maybe they don't want kids yelling/talking/crying/whatever during their vows, or running around at the reception. :)

[Liz&Cailen]

I only invited adults, but if someone RSVPed their kid I would just suck it up and pay for a kid meal. And a baby/toddler wouldn't need a meal - I'd be annoyed if they were fussy during the ceremony and weren't taken out (a few non-fussy sounds fine) but otherwise I wouldn't mind.

I'm wondering if the bride is "making" him do this and isn't being considerate of his side of the family. I'm not trying to make-up for him not doing the right thing, but am trying to thing of a plausible explanation. I know its been like 7 years since I met him but I could see him being a bit of a push-over I guess. I'm sure he feels bad about it deep down inside, but doesn't realize what he's doing.

[*Stacie*]

It's clear there are so many different views/opinions on this, so how would you really know if he was invited or not? :lol: On most wedding invites we get it just says "The G****s" on the front of the envelope and nothing inside with our names specifically written.

[carolinalady67]

It's clear there are so many different views/opinions on this, so how would you really know if he was invited or not? :lol: On most wedding invites we get it just says "The G****s" on the front of the envelope and nothing inside with our names specifically written.

the specific names should be written on the inner envelope.

[*Stacie*]

Hmmm maybe I never paid much attention. I will have to look next time we get an invite :lol:

[Maria 05]

:hammer: :hammer: :hammer: there you go

[Angela]

I belong to the camp of if the name's not on the invite, then they're not invited....that being said, though, your cousin obviously isn't following standard etiquette AND it's at the park! If it were me, I'd be upset as well, though after getting a separate invite from your parents as an afterthought, almost, I would've just RSVP'd no to begin with. I'm a bitch like that though :lol:

[*Ashley*]

I think the situation just started out incredibly rude and that's where the problem is. I think many of us are looking at this completely objectively, instead of considering the events that led up to the actual invitiation. Had he handled it differently initially, I'm pretty sure Amanda might have felt differently. It was extremely inconsiderate to add her to her parents' invitation and completely disregard her husband, whom she has been married to for three years (if they haven't recognized that she's married in that time, then their wedding isn't worth their time at all).

And here's another point of contention - Hugo isn't barely one year old. I get that he could cry, but I'm sure that Amanda and her DH have that under control should it happen. He's not a two or three year old who is going to be terrorizing the wedding party running up and down the aisles. I understand exceptions can't be made, but family is a whole different ball game in my opinion. I didn't want kids running around my wedding, but my family - well I couldn't imagine my wedding without them. That's just me, and her cousin is obviously different, but I find the whole situation in extremely poor taste and would feel completely disrespected from the get go. Amanda, I don't blame you for choosing not to go. I think it's the principle of the matter for you now.

This isn't the same cousin that got married randomly in the JOP and then talked about their "next" wedding after you went out and spent a bunch of money on some china for them, is it? That would also explain A LOT, because if so they obviously have no tact and you really shouldn't be surprised by any of this.

[Jaci]

Just to throw this out there, we were planning a wedding at a park and we did not invite everyone's children :) I don't think anyone minded, we only had one or two people who had younger children (that we did invite), but the rest of the invites went out to adults only.

[butterfly_kissings]

In my opinion (and that's strictly what this is, my opinion), I feel that this is a typical case of guest vs bridal relations. Brides and grooms start planning their wedding with ideas of what they want and how they want it. By the time it's all said and done, it's about what every body else wants. They don't want kids at their wedding. That doesn't make her a raging bitch, or him a bad cousin. They just don't want kids at their wedding. It seems that they probably want a pretty small wedding, most likely that's why they didn't invite your husband to begin with. Maybe you should just feel special that YOU made the cut, the first time around. Whether it's what you would do or what you would want, isn't the question. This is what they want, it is after all, their wedding and therefore, their choices.

Also, I fully expect to be flamed for not going with the flow and taking Amanda's side like nearly everyone else. But if you take a step a back, I think you'll all realize that in this case you were defending your friend and not necessarily your actual belief on the situation. From a outsider stand point, any bride reading this thread who is not friends or in the loop on this site, is, would, could, probably be offended by these responses and the thought that if they don't invite every child, spouse, extended family member, random friend, third cousins in law's aunt twice removed, they are going to piss people off. It is the bride and grooms decision. Not the guests.

:bricks:

[jillian]

:word:

[*Stacie*]

In my opinion (and that's strictly what this is, my opinion), I feel that this is a typical case of guest vs bridal relations. Brides and grooms start planning their wedding with ideas of what they want and how they want it. By the time it's all said and done, it's about what every body else wants. They don't want kids at their wedding. That doesn't make her a raging bitch, or him a bad cousin. They just don't want kids at their wedding. It seems that they probably want a pretty small wedding, most likely that's why they didn't invite your husband to begin with. Maybe you should just feel special that YOU made the cut, the first time around. Whether it's what you would do or what you would want, isn't the question. This is what they want, it is after all, their wedding and therefore, their choices.

Also, I fully expect to be flamed for not going with the flow and taking Amanda's side like nearly everyone else. But if you take a step a back, I think you'll all realize that in this case you were defending your friend and not necessarily your actual belief on the situation. From a outsider stand point, any bride reading this thread who is not friends or in the loop on this site, is, would, could, probably be offended by these responses and the thought that if they don't invite every child, spouse, extended family member, random friend, third cousins in law's aunt twice removed, they are going to piss people off. It is the bride and grooms decision. Not the guests.

:bricks:

How could we flame you when you put it so tactfully! I totally see your POV and agree with that as well!

[~*Kate*~]

I don't think they were in the wrong to not invite children. And I don't have a problem with not inviting dates. But you don't leave out spouses. IMO, that's rude any way you look at it.

[Amanda&Hugo]

I think the situation just started out incredibly rude and that's where the problem is. I think many of us are looking at this completely objectively, instead of considering the events that led up to the actual invitiation. Had he handled it differently initially, I'm pretty sure Amanda might have felt differently. It was extremely inconsiderate to add her to her parents' invitation and completely disregard her husband, whom she has been married to for three years (if they haven't recognized that she's married in that time, then their wedding isn't worth their time at all).

And here's another point of contention - Hugo isn't barely one year old. I get that he could cry, but I'm sure that Amanda and her DH have that under control should it happen. He's not a two or three year old who is going to be terrorizing the wedding party running up and down the aisles. I understand exceptions can't be made, but family is a whole different ball game in my opinion. I didn't want kids running around my wedding, but my family - well I couldn't imagine my wedding without them. That's just me, and her cousin is obviously different, but I find the whole situation in extremely poor taste and would feel completely disrespected from the get go. Amanda, I don't blame you for choosing not to go. I think it's the principle of the matter for you now.

This isn't the same cousin that got married randomly in the JOP and then talked about their "next" wedding after you went out and spent a bunch of money on some china for them, is it? That would also explain A LOT, because if so they obviously have no tact and you really shouldn't be surprised by any of this.

Ashley, you hit the nail on the head re: all of my thoughts on this.

And, ROFL, no this is not the same cousin. (:lol: I can only laugh about that.) They already had their 2 weddings!

If they don't want kids they don't want kids and have the right to tell you so. Just because it is at a park doesn't mean they have to include children, maybe they don't want kids yelling/talking/crying/whatever during their vows, or running around at the reception. :)

Whether it's what you would do or what you would want, isn't the question. This is what they want, it is after all, their wedding and therefore, their choices.

Also, I fully expect to be flamed for not going with the flow and taking Amanda's side like nearly everyone else. But if you take a step a back, I think you'll all realize that in this case you were defending your friend and not necessarily your actual belief on the situation. From a outsider stand point, any bride reading this thread who is not friends or in the loop on this site, is, would, could, probably be offended by these responses and the thought that if they don't invite every child, spouse, extended family member, random friend, third cousins in law's aunt twice removed, they are going to piss people off. It is the bride and grooms decision. Not the guests.

:bricks:

No, I can definitely appreciate this 100%. And you guys know me well enough to know I'm not a total etiquette spaz and I know and believe these things.

This situation just got so convoluted with the first situation of not wanting to invite my husband (therefore as Ashley said failing to recognize that I'm married, hello! plus insulting DH!). So we felt disrespected and unwelcome right off the bat.

Then the invite came and it was definitely not clear. I don't have the envelope any longer but it wasn't clear the way it was addressed- sort of like what Stacie was describing. Then there was no inner envelope, just the day and time and the message about it being so very casual. The most formal thing was the response card which just had a blank and check box for yes or no. The best thing would have been for me to call before replying, but honestly when I filled it out I really didn't think it was going to be an issue at all. I know it's unfair to assume anything, but every other family event we have ever had in our family has included kids. And with them stressing "casual" soooo much and nothing indicating otherwise I honestly just did not think twice. Sure, that was my mistake and I will never make it again... I guess I just hoped (evidently against my better judgment) that my cousin would include his own blood relative. I should have known better, from how he didn't include Hugo II. :hmph:

Yes, it is the bride and groom's day, but it's not an occasion to insult someone who cares about you. It could have been ameliorated if my cousin had simply said, "Maybe you misunderstood. We intended the invitation for adults." Instead, he went on with all these reasons he didn't want my child there and then about how much we were costing him! That crossed the line for me- their day or not, you don't ever say that to a guest.

He had also said the same thing to my mom as rationale for not inviting my husband. This is not meant to offend anyone who is having a casual or low-budget wedding, but: If the cost is so prohibitive to have an extremely casual picnic at a park shelter, should you be inviting anyone at all? Really, that's what ran through my mind. If you're going to tell me that my family is too much of an expense to host then just don't invite us. That sends the message that you care more about costs than about having the people there, so why did you bother to send the invite to anyone? That and the feeling that he discounts 2/3 of my family as I was trying to say (I meant 1/3 earlier :blush:).

I don't feel special to be the only one in my family who (I guess?) they really wanted to invite because that is just not how things have EVER been done in our family. And that is the other piece of this- this is all in the context of the G family and not in the wider wedding world. This is not to say I would treat my family in a completely different way, but I guess I was holding them to a slightly higher expectation. Maybe because family is generally thought to be one of the most important things in life to most people, and they should be the last people you would treat inconsiderately. I know in the straight sense of etiquette this thought has no bearing, but it does in my emotions, so feel free to ignore this if you want to. That is that my grandfather would absolutely ROLL OVER IN HIS GRAVE if he knew this had happened. He would have called my cousin from the very minute he sent the first exclusive invitation and set him straight. He always made sure that we all treated each other right, and now that he's not here, my mom is the only semblance of that guidance in our family. The groom's dad is not present (disabled and mentally ill in another state) and he is an only child with just his mom to turn to, who is not at all an etiquette person. The bride doesn't have a lot of family support either. They are clueless and it's not entirely their fault. I should have known not to expect more, but I really hoped just for our family's sake that they would WANT to see their young cousin and my husband who are a part of what little family they have.

Also, so you're clear, I would not even consider Stig being invited to most weddings unless explicitly stated by the B&G to bring him. But in this situation with things being so unclear on the invite, the formality being pretty much nonexistent and considering past family expectations, those are the reasons why I didn't forsee any of this.

I understand that is not justification for them to feel they should make an exception for our family; if they don't want kids at their wedding, they don't want kids. Plenty of people don't and that's just part of how they want things. They just should have been more careful- even if they don't have any etiquette guidance they should have had courtesy in how they handled it. So I guess that was my point in posting the situation... treat your guests with care. They obviously care about you and you about them- so don't discount their immediate family members, include who you can and don't treat them like they're not worth whatever cost it is per person. That's what I wanted to get across.

[Trinia]

I don't think they were in the wrong to not invite children. And I don't have a problem with not inviting dates. But you don't leave out spouses. IMO, that's rude any way you look at it.

Yea, its rude. I don't know I would get over it though... but then again my husband hates going to weddings, he complains every time I make him go to one, so if an invite came addressed to just me he would be jumping for joy that I wouldn't be dragging him to another wedding. :lol:

[Christa]

I don't think they were in the wrong to not invite children. And I don't have a problem with not inviting dates. But you don't leave out spouses. IMO, that's rude any way you look at it.

ITA

[*Ashley*]

I don't think the fact that they don't want kids makes the fiancee a raging bitch or the cousin a bad cousin, I think the fact that they brushed aside the fact that she has a husband and just added her to her parents' invitation makes them that way. That's just improper etiquette.

But @butterfly - I think you put it very eloquently! I see your POV :) I don't think it's only a matter of defending our friend, though, so I'll have to respectfully disagree there. If it had just been that they didn't want kids there, then yes, I'd agree 100% with you, but the fact is that her husband was very clearly off the guest list initially and I think that's completely disrespectful and is why there's a problem to begin with, you know what I mean? Other than that I think you're very correct -- and why would anyone flame you? We heart you :)

[Maria 05]

Amanda that post above was beautiful you are absoultely right while it was bang out of order for your cousin not to invite your husband and then write the invitations so slopply as to confuse who was actually invited I know that if it had said Amanda Amanda's husband and then to ring and get a convuluted excuses instead of "Amanda we are really sorry but the ceremony is adults only" I would be mad too.

There is only one little thing I would say although I think that the bride and groom need a how to book of etiquette unless I was very close to my cousins I would not see my cousin's child as a close blood relative but there is no way I would invite a cousin and not his or her spouse or long term partner.

I think you have to decide is are you going to let this canker. I think and this is only my opinion and I know it might not be very popular and I am waiting to be told off strongly but is to say "ok the bride and groom are totally etiquette challenged and I have declined the wedding but I am going to try and push it aside and not let it fester."

I know its hard but I think you would be best to let it go if you can because you have done everything graciously and sweetly. There is nothing more you can do at this stage except work out how you are going to deal with it.

[*Ashley*]

Amanda that post above was beautiful you are absoultely right while it was bang out of order for your cousin not to invite your husband and then write the invitations so slopply as to confuse who was actually invited I know that if it had said Amanda Amanda's husband and then to ring and get a convuluted excuses instead of "Amanda we are really sorry but the ceremony is adults only" I would be mad too.

There is only one little thing I would say although I think that the bride and groom need a how to book of etiquette unless I was very close to my cousins I would not see my cousin's child as a close blood relative but there is no way I would invite a cousin and not his or her spouse or long term partner.

I think you have to decide is are you going to let this canker. I think and this is only my opinion and I know it might not be very popular and I am waiting to be told off strongly but is to say "ok the bride and groom are totally etiquette challenged and I have declined the wedding but I am going to try and push it aside and not let it fester."

I know its hard but I think you would be best to let it go if you can because you have done everything graciously and sweetly. There is nothing more you can do at this stage except work out how you are going to deal with it.

Well said :)

[butterfly_kissings]

Ok so. A few years ago DH was in a wedding, Best Man in fact. The groom was our old roommate, the bride a friend. I wasn't invited to the ceremony. Dinner and Dance, yes. Ceremony, no. They didn't have the space. Another wedding, my first cousin's actually, didn't invite any of us to the ceremony or dinner, just dance. And we are CLOSE. My cousins are more like siblings then cousins. I didn't agree with either of these and I was choked at the time. But then I remember back to planning my wedding. We trimmed people and added people and trimmed people and added people, it seemed like no matter where we turned someone was being left out, someone would be offended. I still went to both of the above weddings, not because I agreed with how they were, I didn't. Not because I wasn't pissed off anymore, I still was. But because I do care about these people and even if I don't agree with their choices, it's their choice. Whether you would have done it or not, whether you feel it's rude or not.

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, that sucks. I guess I just feel kinda bad for the bride and groom. I'm sure they never meant to hurt you or your husband or make your or him feel unimportant. I 'm sure they are just trying their best to have a happy day with the people they care about most. And, devil's advocate again, as much as it offended you when your cousin called full of excuses maybe give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he'd already dealt with someone else on the guest list and "adults only" wasn't a good enough reason for them so he tried a different approach with you, hoping for a better result. You can't win for losing sometimes....

Also this isn't in direct response to anything else posted, just something else I wanted to say. lol