Inviting "and guest"

[Malissa]

Hello everyone! I've been a lurker on here for a while as a bridesmaid and helping my friends with their weddings. I have a situation that I feel a little angry about and I'm not really sure whether my feelings are justified or not.

One of my best friends from high school is getting married in October and I am a bridesmaid in her wedding. I just got my invitation in the mail and it only has my name on it. I know that means that only I am invited, but I double checked with her today and she told me that her mom said that anybody who isn't married or engaged isn't allowed to bring a guest. Their guest list was getting too big. Sure, I understand the reasoning behind this and a line has to be drawn somewhere, but doesn't being in the wedding party make a difference? I have been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, so it's not like he is just some fling I'm having. He is pretty upset by it, as am I, but I'm not exactly sure if I should be or if it's more common than I know about. Do I have a right to be a little angry? The other bridesmaids who are married will have their husbands there and I will be alone.

[Winter_Bride]

I could certainly understand needing to draw the line somewhere - the cutoff at ours depended on the age of the guest (adult versus teen) and the seriousness of the relationship (dating 6 months or 6 years). We took it person by person.

While I can certainly see your friend's point, I do think that it's unfair that she didn't consider friends who were in long-term relationships but were unengaged, especially if her BRIDESMAID and best friend would be affected by this rule.

I'd definately be annoyed, but I really don't know what you can do beyond talking to her about it, though it sounds like you already have. Is her mom paying for the wedding? Your friend's hands might really be tied depending on the situation.

Another thought is what style of reception is she having? Is she having a dance, and could your boyfriend come at that point? If it's any consolation, the weddings I've been in as a bridesmaid has kept me pretty busy and away from my SO for most of the time before the dance. Between ceremony prep, photos, and sitting at the head table, I usually didn't get much time to visit with anyone until the dance.

I hope you can figure something out!!!

[angie]

I can see both sides to this. I personally feel a S.O. of 4.5 years ought to be invited. He's very much a part of your life. Yet they did have to cut the guest list and you being a guest, bridesmaid or not, it's really not up to you who is invited. I don't think it's fair, but if they don't have enough room or enough money to pay for all the boyfriends/girlfriends, then there's not much anyone can do about it.

[Sk8ermaiden]

I would be extremely annoyed. To me, it is disrespectful not to invite the SO of anyone. And by SO, I mean they are exclusively dating. I would probably decline the invitation if my SO was not invited, saying that I was not comfortable attending without him.

Or you could go buy a big fake rock and tell her you're engaged! :rofl:

But seriously, good luck. That's a tough situation. Keep us updated. Just in case it makes you feel better, Miss Manners agrees with you. :)

[*Stacie*]

I would be annoyed as well and hurt. We didn't allow people to bring "dates" but of course SO's were invited and ESPECIALLY those who were in the wedding party! I hope you can figure it out. She is being unfair IMO. One thing I don't like (and tried very hard to not be like this) is when people are allowed to get away with being rude just because they are the bride. You don't want to lose friends and those important to you just because you are getting married.

[Malissa]

Thanks for your input everyone. I totally see her point in having to draw the line somewhere. I just feel like actually being in the wedding party should make a difference. I don't think she is trying to be rude, but my feelings are definitely hurt. She did say he could come to the dance, but I don't think he wants to. He's sad he won't get to see me walk down the aisle and stuff at the wedding. And to top it off, she is not having any sort of transportation for us after the wedding so I'm going to be driving myself around in my bridesmaids dress to get from the church to the reception hall and then home again.

[Deidre98]

We took the SO situation, guest by guest. If they were in a long-term relationship, engaged or married, they were automatically invited but with some of our cousins, we didn't put "and guest" because they weren't dating anyone and we didn't want our numbers to get out of control. We also had some cousins, who were under 18, that were had SO's but we didn't invite them either. We just felt like it was necessary to invite them.

[Mel]

we did not invite anyone "and guest" for a similar reason... however, our theory was that if you were in a serious relationship and we knew of the person (even if we hadn't met them yet since many ppl were out of state) they were invited by name. i have family who have been in relationships for 10+ years b/c they do not want to get married, and friends on the cusp of getting engaged and didn't feel it was fair to not invite someone based on circumstance.

if i was in your shoes, i would make it clear to the bride how upset you are by this, and how upset your SO is... being together for that long is not chump change and not including him seems to say something bigger....
{i totally get drawing a line somewhere, but still.......]

[Malissa]

I talked to her yesterday and she doesn't seem to grasp it. It's not necessarily the fact that he isn't invited, it's the fact that I'm IN THE WEDDING and he isn't invited. If I was invited as just a friend to the wedding I would be totally ok with going solo. She did say he could come, but only because others have RSVP'd no, so there is room for him. Gee, thanks. It's not really about money, but I'm buying my dress, helping plan and pay for the bachelorette party, yet I'm not important enough to have a guest. I'm trying hard not to get too upset about it. I think it's just an etiquette issue that she isn't aware of. She did say after the invites had gone out that she forgot to put her registry information on them, so I told her invites aren't supposed to have any of that. I know she's not doing it to be intentionally hurtful, so I'm trying to be mindful of that, but it's still hard not to think about him being there with me.

[Amy]

:hug99: I wish I had a solution for you! I was in a similar situation a few years back and it did not end well for me. My only advise is just stay calm when talking to the bride and back up your facts on why you feel your SO should be there and hopefully she'll see your point of view as well!

[MemphisMom]

I totally agree that the wedding party should have a guest included on the invitation...I assume that you would be invited to the rehearsal dinner and your SO should be invited to that also.

With that said...the bride is not understanding of your sitiation but since others have responded no and she has told you he can attend, what are you going to do?

If you were just a guest, I would decline the invitation but since you have already agreed to be a bridesmaid you need to make the best of the situation. I would let her know that you would love to bring your SO now that there is room for him and tell her that you appreciate her including him. (you might want to practice this in the mirror 1st!)

I agree that driving yourself around in a BM dress would not be fun at all...

If you are gracious, be a good friend and bridesmaid AND get to bring your SO, you all win. Taking the high road here is the only way I think you can enjoy the day!

[Malissa]

I talked with her the other day and he is not invited to the groom's dinner. I guess I am not really surprised. I didn't say anything when we were talking about it. I just don't think she gets it.

He is coming with me to the wedding so I'm happy about that. I'm trying to stay positive about it even though the whole situation sucks. I love weddings and I love getting all dressed up and I'm sure I'll still have a great time!

[jillian]

What's a groom's dinner?

I'm glad he is able to go to the wedding with you regardless of the reasoning.

[Malissa]

It's the same as the rehearsal dinner. Maybe it's a midwestern/Minnesota thing? Or maybe it's just me making up my own events. :)

[FavorMama]

I think the bridal party should be an exception.

We had a "no children" rule at our wedding and no kids under 13 were allowed. But... one of my bridesmaids had a 2-yr. old daughter and since she is my best friend and had spent a lot to be a part of my day, and traveled to my location out of state and stayed overnight with her family, I HAD TO let her bring her daughter.

Some people made comments because they were angry that they weren't allowed to bring their children but they saw this little toddler on the dance floor. I had to explain that it was my bridesmaid's daughter and since she was from out of state, she had no childcare for her. Some were still angry, but most understood.

If the other bridesmaids in the wedding you're in are allowed to bring husbands, then you DEFINITELY should be allowed to bring your boyfriend. Discriminating against you for not being married is ridiculous. It's not like you're going to go out and find some random person to bring just to have a date. After 4.5 years together, I think it's pretty obvious you're serious. It would've been different if you were "single." But you're not.

So yes, I would be angry. And if your friend is a friend, she'd stand up to her Mother and say "I'm letting Malissa bring [insert name here,] because it's my wedding and she's part of my wedding party, and my friend, and I WANT her to bring him." Or whatever.

:-)

I'm glad you were finally allowed to bring him.