How to say NO to being a Bridesmaid?

[Swiftrunner]

I am brand-spanking new to the forum - I discovered it a while ago but never posted - but now I have a reason!

I was asked to be a Bridesmaid for a friend I had in high school. We only graduated 3 years ago but have since seriously drifted apart and even live in different, yet close, cities.

She comes back to town in the summer's after her college year is over and I go off on military courses during the summer so we only see each other maybe once or twice a year and we are both vastly different now.

She asked me to be a bridesmaid and I don't want to be for a few reasons

1) I work full-time and she works odd part-time hours so going to all her events would be challenging
2) We are so dissimilar now, and I would love to attend her wedding but not be part of the bridal party
3) She already said she has 3 or 4 other Bridesmaids confirmed.
4) Wedding is out of town and she is having a 2-day ceremony. One with only her Bridal Party and the In-Laws and then another big one with everyone.

How do I say no without making her feel bad?

[*Diane*]

Welcome Swiftrunner to MLW! :wavey: You have laid out some very good reasons for your decision. When you tell her that you are going to decline, first you need to tell her how honored you are that she thought of you. Let her know that you care for her as a friend but that, with your different schedules, you don't feel that you can do justice to the role as her attendant. If you spin it so that she is the center of the decision- her wedding attendants should be available, etc- she will probably be sad but her feelings won't be hurt. Does that help?

[Swiftrunner]

Thank you, I probably would have gone about it all the wrong way. I was thinking of just declining outright but it makes more sense and is far more polite to insure her that I would be unable to be as attentive as I could under other circumstances.


Oh, I neglected to mention, she asked me in person and on fancy invitations to be in the Bridal Party.

Should I tell her in person and RSVP on her Bridal Party Invites? Should I do so at the same time, ie. take her to lunch and give her the RSVP back and tell her then? That sounds the most reasonable to me.

[Maria 05]

Definitely taking her to lunch and being available as a friend will make sugar coat the declining. I am sure your friend will understand completely. Your reasons are hugely valid and if I were the bride I would not be offended one jot.

[Swiftrunner]

Thank You Diane and Maria05.

I just needed some guidance from someone outside of my RL. Thank goodness for the MLW forum, I really didn't know who to ask otherwise.

I will update how she handled it after I tell her. I'm sure she will take it fine.

[Maria 05]

I am sure she will too. :hug99:

[Mel]

I totally agree with Dianne and Maria....
You have good reasons and as long as you make it about not being able to do what she needs from an attendant and not just a "I don't feel like it" - you're good to go!

You don't want to ruin the friendship by accepting and then not being able to follow through. Believe me, its much better to walk away from the beginning and remind her that you will still be around and happy to help in other ways...

oh, and :welcome:

[Raychel]

I agree with what has been said, let us know how it goes, I hope she is understanding.

[Swiftrunner]

I want to thank everyone for the advice. She and I met and had tea and I told her that I was so looking forward to her winter wedding but that I felt that I was unable to be her bridesmaid - but that I would love to help in anyway I could. She asked me why and I told her about my work schedual and other commitments and she seemed a bit miffed (not sad) that I held work to such a priority. I was tempted to remind her that I have full-time employment because I finished school on schedual unlike her - but didn't.
I also gave her back the written invite to be a bridesmaid with my indication that it was a NO. (BTW - I've never seen written invites to be in a bridal party before - are they common?)

The conversation was a bit forced after that but with enough prompts into her flower plans for the wedding everything seems, for the most part, fine.

Thanks everyone!

[Mel]

so glad it worked out!

i did written invites, but they were cute and silly - not formal! (and b/c four of the five people i asked live out of state)

[Mimzy]

It is always a fine line when saying no. I'm very happy that you got through
this. Hard part is over. Keep up with the friendship, if you wish. And maybe call/e-mail a bit more during her engagment then you might other wise. Let her be the center of the world {with in reason!} :)

[*Ashley*]

I think that went as well as you could expect. Obviously her feelings were hurt, which was really unavoidable on your part. Glad it went well though!