A Bad Situation...

[nikkiana]

I was made aware of a really bad situation this evening... I feel the need to vent/ask for advice as to how to proceed... Names have been changed to protect the guilty and innocent and to prevent the confusion that ensues from using only pronouns....

To give a little back story on this situation, my friend Michelle is a very poor girl... She got pregnant last year, she was sleeping around so she doesn't know who the father is... Her family pushed her into a marriage that had no business happening with a guy (Joe) she thought might be the father... He turned out not to be, and shortly after the baby was born (like three days later) left her and starts seeing Michelle's ex-friend Lisa and Michelle completely loses contact with Joe.

Obviously, Michelle wants to end her marriage with Joe and move on.... but it's kinda hard when you have no idea where the guy is and can't get his contact information from anywhere.

Enter in Steve. Steve is Michelle's ex-roommate and Lisa's ex-boyfriend whom Lisa has two children with (one is in his custody and one is in hers). Steve is an extremely abusive person who is the only person that Michelle knows who may be able to track down Joe. Steve tells Michelle that if she does whatever he wants (namely have sex with him), he'll track down Joe for her because Joe is with the mother of his children, and if Michelle doesn't do what he wants, he'll track her down and harm her and her son.

Michelle comes over tonight to pick up her laptop from us cause FH was fixing it all upset because Steve is raping her, and she doesn't know what to do because if she doesn't do what Steve wants, she's afraid he'll hurt her son.

Michelle's terrified to notify the authorites about it because she's afraid drawing attention to the situation will cause Steve to send out his friends after her AND because she had an experience where she was raped and then accused by the police of falsifying a police report.

While I think it's highly likely that Steve's threats are idle threats just to scare her to getting what he wants and he probably would not come after her, the situations she's putting herself and her son in because she's afraid is dangerous. I'm concerned for her safety and her son's safety.... as well as Steve's daughter whom he has custody of.

FH and I both feel extremely obligated to do something about the situation.... But we're not sure what... Neither of us have really witnessed anything, all we know is what Michelle has told us.

I personally feel that Michelle's been mistreated in the past by the police because she's not the brightest bulb and she's extremely poor so she backs down and drops charges and the police then don't do anything about stuff. It's not right, but I have a feeling that's what happened....

I feel obligated to help, but I don't know what I can do for her.... I'd tell her to call the police on her own, but I know she won't do it and if she did, I'd be concerned that she'd just be treated like crap again and the police won't do squat.

[Mimzy]

:dunno: I don't really know what to do. :hug99: Just want to give you hug. Hard situation. Stay strong.

[purple_octopus]

IMO, your friend is putting both her son and herself in danger by complying. This guy sounds like a real nutjob. If you can't convince her to get an order of protection against him (which does *not* require that she either press criminal charges or that her accusations against him are proven in court, although she should do that too), you might want to consider calling children's services. Maybe they can make her realize that she is putting her child in danger. It sounds like she is not so good at making decisions for herself, and it's probably not likely that you will persuade her. (I'm guessing you've already tried.) She would have every right to ignore your advice if she weren't accountable to anyone else. Unfortunately, poor judges of character and bad decision making can be detrimental when a child is involved. If this guy knows where she and her son live and have already threatened them harm, your friend owes it to herself -- but more importantly to her child -- to do something about this. Not to blame the victim here, but anything less is negligence. If you can't make her understand this, perhaps social services can. There may not be much they can do based on hearsay, but at least they can maybe visit her and guilt/scare her into doing the right thing.

Sorry you're having to watch her go through this, nikkiana. You're a better friend and a more patient person than I probably would be.

[Maria 05]

I read this a few times because I wanted to get it straight in my head as to what is going on here.
First off Michelle needs to protect herself and her son. This means a barring, protection order if she wont press charges. The social services are a good move they may be able to help Michelle help herself at the very least take the child out of the situation.
I am sorry this is happening but I cant offer much advice be careful Nikki you dont want to be caught up in this situation.

[Jaci]

It's scary to get caught up in the situation because if any of the individuals are dangerous, it could turn on you, but I understand your need to help, and I do think that you should.

Is there a battered woman's shelter around your area where she could go to? Or a rape and abuse center? Both places help out women in her situation, along with her son.

I only hope he's being protected from all of this :(

[oupiglet]

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

That is the number for the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. The line is answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even if your friend won't call, maybe you can to help you decide what you need to do.

[Coze]

Hi hi-

My first advice is to not stop being a friend to her. In this moment and moments in the future, she is going to feel alone. She may be hard headed (and honestly not bright) being with this guy, but she is going to need friends.

Call the CADV and get some advice from them. They might be able to point you in a better direction.

As far as Michelle getting in touch with her ex in regards to ending the marriage... the only thing she has to do is post a 2 week notice in the local newspaper where they 'think' he might be living. Another way to contact him is to enfore child support and then the state steps in and tracks him down. Viola! You have an address for service.

I would encourage her, if not for her safety at least for her son's, to get away. There are plenty of places she can go for safety from this guy and plenty of places that will help her out in her endeavors.

Also, advise her greatly that she needs to contact the authorities. For the safety of his daughter. Perhaps he's not doing anything to the children, but nobody knows. It sadens me deeply that things like this occur in this world. I know, personally, how troubled children can be as adults when they have grown in this situation.

TTFN...
D.J.

[Andrea]

im with coze...don't stop being her friends. But at this point in time, I don't think she has to worry about that...sounds as if she's good in that department. I really don't know what to say, because this is inded a very sticky situation...

[BASIA]

You should contact DCF. It is not just about her but her baby and the guys kid as well. Other than that be careful. This guy sounds nuts and he may come after you as well. She needs to contact police. Good luck with everything.

[*Ashley*]

I'm at a loss.

*hugs*

Good luck, I think you'll do the right thing :)

[Naima]

:bighug: That's an awful situation to be in. Orders of protection are a good, safe way of ensuring that she has the police's attention (so that any further complaints will be taken more seriously than they have been), and of gathering the strength around you to move out of a very bad place.

Next time she comes over, call the NCADV. They can help talk you both through what needs to be done.

You're a good friend, and a good person. :bighug:

[Kelly]

I'm sorry :hug99:
I agree with calling the hotline, they know what can be done to help her and they will hopefully give you some local numbers of shelters as well.

[*Diane*]

Nikkianna, what happened with your friend? Any updates?