P.O.'d frustrated and upset!

[*alissa*]

Okay....
so I have a question for all of you.
If you KNEW your SO didn't not like one of your friend's SO....and our friend was going through a hard time WITH thier SO, would you tell your SO ALL about the problems your friend was having with thier SO?

I will wait for some responses first before I explain.......

[Jaime]

I don't know..

I mean, I usually do not talk about those kinds of things with my DH because honestly, he is just not that interested in what is happening in my friend's lives. I think it is a man thing.

[Maria 05]

thats complicated it depends I would not tell jacQues for a while as he is very oppionated and would love to stir the pot one of his flaws but I might tell him later to get it off my chest so long as I knew it was between him me and the wall

[BASIA]

Yes I would, most times I tell FH things, especially when the friend needs help, I can get some ideas and opinoins fro my Fh to help the friend!

[Aramelle]

Regardless of like or not, I most probably would, yes. DH and I share everything with each other. So, when discussing our days, it would likley come up "I talked to so-and-so today, and this is what we talked about."

[*alissa*]

Hmmm....okay, well if you KNEW your SO wouldn't keep his/her mouth shut about it, and would most likely say something rude to your friend and her SO?

[Maria 05]

then I would not say anything I would find something else to talk about because if I told DH and he said something nasty to my friend :hammer:

[Hughto]

In that case, no, I would not say anything. Don't want anything rude being said because of my big mouth!

[Sk8ermaiden]

My answer was yes, my FH and I share those things, but with the additional information, then no. I would not tell him something that he would use against my friend (in a public manner).

[Kristie]

Sorry.. I'm a little confused.. I may need to read that a few times to understand...

[*alissa*]

Okay...so to explain:
I have this friend, I met her online and we have been close friends for nearly a year.
While DH and I were having problems, I talked to her about them.
MY DH and her boyfriend don't like each other. I am not fond of her boyfriend either. He is ajerk, he treats people like crap, her included. He will say mean and rude things to people just to get a reaction from them so he can make fun of them.
Up until today, he had never directed any of that towards me.
Well.....I was online, and so was my friend and her BF.
Well....I said something about DH....and her BF starts saying things like "f*ck that crackhead" "tell him to go get drunk" and all sorts of rude things.
Now...my DH was never a "crackhead" BUT he did have some alcohol and drug abuse problems that he has tried very hard to overcome so things with us could work out. He has been doing VERY well.....and I am very proud of him.
I was shocked to learn, however, that my "friend" told her BF all about the things that were going on! She knows he is a jerk and couldn't resist saying something rude just to get a reaction.
DH was very angry too....he didn't mind that I had confided in my frineds..but for her to tell HIM of all people just really hurt him. DH and my friend were pretty good friends too....and she knew he wouldn't want her BF knowing any thing.
I could even look past her talking to him if she hadn't included every little detail. When I usually tell my DH that one of my friends is having a problem..I usually leave it pretty vague and just say "So and SO is having probs with her husband..." or something...and he knows not to ask for details, and if he wants details, he will ask my friend. It is just the way we do it.
Well, then my friend and her BF start lying for some odd reason saying
1. that I told DH all about her problems. (which I never did. I would tell him she was fighting with her BF or that she was sad...but never any details).
and
2. her BF said that I IM'ed HIM and told him all about that stuff! Which I NEVER ever did. ANd DH knew that was lie because her BF started making stuff up after that. (like gambling....and running pool hall scams, HUH? That never happened.)
SO then he was like "Yeah, H-----, your "friend" Im's me all the time, you didn't know that?" Again, HUH? What was he implying? That I as after him or something?

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
It just really burns me up that you talk to someone whom you think is your friend for year...and it turns out they aren't at all.

[Krissy]

To be honest with you, I do tell Bob pretty much everything, he is a great sounding board. But he is a VERY quiet guy. I could never see him talking about anything that personal with one of my friends. My general feeling is if I tell someone something, their SO is probably going to know it too.

That being said, if he were someone to say something in the heat of the moment like that? No frickin' way would I say anything to him.

[*alissa*]

Well....
The thing is, ordinarliy, I would assume that my friends SO would probably know ALL about my buisness, and most of the time, I really wouldn't care.
But THIS guy....he is so rude, and really says things JUST to p*ss people off, and laugh. I have seen him do it sooo many times before. I even told my friend that to please not tell him anything about me becasue I don't WANT to fight with him.....
And she knows how he is....
he starts fights with people just to have something to DO.
Heck, before me and him got into it...he was kicking people out of my friends private chat room, just because he thought it was funny, and didn't care that those were people SHE had invited there.....
I guess it really isn't HER I don't trust, it is more that I just want him to know anything about me and I can't trust her not tell him.
Plus, my feelings are hurt....
I mean, she just sat there and didn't say a word when he started dumping all over DH...and she still said nothing when he did it to me.
DH and I were supposed to be her friends!
I wouldn't let DH talk to my friends that way.
Yeah, I love him, but that wouldn't excuse that type of behavior.
I guess she feels since she "loves" him, that it does excuse it.

[aubreyandkelly]

I tell DH everything. When I tell ANY of my friends ANYTHING, I expect that they are going to tell their SO as well.

I think it's unfair to expect her not to, just because he's a jerk.
Just my opinion.

[nikkiana]

Personally, I tend to assume that whatever I say about DH is going to be parroted word for word to that person's SO. Granted, I never really have had a problem so I've never really thought about it that much...

[*alissa*]

I wouldn't think it was unfair to expect a friend to not tell her boyfriend things about me if I had told her from the begining I didn't trust him and would rather him not know anything about me.....
I would think it would be respect and common sense.

[US_UKlove]

I wouldn't tell my fiance if I felt he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

I have told him things about my friend's SOs before - a lot of times to try and get a male perspective on things to therefore help my friend.

It sounds to me like this girl isn't much of a 'friend' if she is going to turn this situation around and somehow make it your fault.

[Kari]

I tell DH everything. When I tell ANY of my friends ANYTHING, I expect that they are going to tell their SO as well.

I think it's unfair to expect her not to, just because he's a jerk.
Just my opinion.

I tend to have to agree with this.

Even though you told your friend you don't like him, that doesn't mean that he isn't still a part of HER life and someone that she confides in. Instead of making a big deal about it now, take it as a lesson learned and don't tell HER anything that you don't want repeated.

Its like the saying: Do it once, shame on you. Do it twice shame on me.

[*Ashley*]

I tend to have to agree with this.

Even though you told your friend you don't like him, that doesn't mean that he isn't still a part of HER life and someone that she confides in. Instead of making a big deal about it now, take it as a lesson learned and don't tell HER anything that you don't want repeated.

Its like the saying: Do it once, shame on you. Do it twice shame on me.

I agree with Aubrey and Kari on this :)

I tell Michael everything, and vice versa.

[Kari]

OMG. Ashley agreed with me.

:faint:



:rofl:

[*alissa*]

Even though you told your friend you don't like him, that doesn't mean that he isn't still a part of HER life and someone that she confides in.

Thing is: he had broken up with her when all this was going on.....so they weren't even together until last week.....
I knew she would take him if he wanted to go back with her...so that is why I asked her to not say anything.
I never asked any of YOU who read my journal or pm'd me to not say anything to your SO's...I never told any of my other friends to not tell thier SO's....because i DO expect it....
but for her to tell HIM....
when she knew I didn't like him, when she knew Kris didn't like him...when she knew how much of a jerk he is to everyone....when she was not only MY friend but Kris's too....and after I specificly told her to NOT tell him....
spells disrepect, lack of common sense, and underhandedness and a gossipy nature I knew nothing about before all this......

But you're right Kari, I am not telling her anything about me anymore, because she lied to me about the whole thing anyway when I called her on it...and I detest liars, so therefor I will not be speaking to her anymore....

[*alissa*]

It all just kinda shocked me.....
because I DID trust her.....

[Kari]

WAIT! You TOLD her not to say anything?

That changes everything

[aubreyandkelly]

It sucks that it happened.
It doesn't surprise me that she told him though. She has to know that he isn't that great of a person. He probably manipulates the crap out of her. He's maybe got a lot of control. I mean, I really don't know. There's no excuse for that. Except, I can tell you, if my friends asked me not to tell DH (which they don't, cuz I'll still tell him), I would still tell him. Maybe that doesn't make me a good person, but he's my other half. I know it's different with them, cuz he's a jerk...it's just easy for me to see it both ways cuz my emotions aren't involved. I'm sure I'd feel betrayed if I were in your situation.


I would definitely not tell her anything that you didn't want repeated to her SO. Good luck. I hope you have someone else you can talk to about things! Obviously you can to us.

[*alissa*]

WAIT! You TOLD her not to say anything?

:yes:

I told her I didn't care if she talked about it with our other mutual friend, but to not say anythig to her BF because I knew he would make fun of it and expect me to shrug it off "because that is how he is" and I told her WHY....and she agreed.
This is why she and her BF started saying I told HIM about it...because they both knew he wasn't supposed to know.......

[*alissa*]

I hope you have someone else you can talk to about things!

I do.
I just really trusted this girl and thought we were close.....I considered her one of my best friends.......

[Aramelle]

It sucks that it happened.
It doesn't surprise me that she told him though. She has to know that he isn't that great of a person. He probably manipulates the crap out of her. He's maybe got a lot of control. I mean, I really don't know. There's no excuse for that. Except, I can tell you, if my friends asked me not to tell DH (which they don't, cuz I'll still tell him), I would still tell him. Maybe that doesn't make me a good person, but he's my other half. I know it's different with them, cuz he's a jerk...it's just easy for me to see it both ways cuz my emotions aren't involved. I'm sure I'd feel betrayed if I were in your situation.

I tend to agree with Aubrey's take on this. Frankly, I would never make a promise to not discuss something with DH, regardless of the subject matter, and I would be a bit put off by anyone expecting me not to openly discuss things with him. Granted, our marriage is different than someone in an on-again/off-again SO-type relationship, but that is how I would feel nonetheless.

I also think that you need to ask yourself WHY she was telling him about it. Was it to gossip about you and DH, or because she was bouncing off her feelings about seeing her friend going through a tough time? Either way, she shouldn't have something if she'd made a promise not to, but I do still think that it's a worthwhile consideration. I don't know your whole story, but I do know you've gone through some tough times with your DH lately. If a friend of mine were going through similar things, I would absolutely talk to DH about them...mostly because I would need a sounding board in trying to help my friend get through this time in her life.

Of course, none of this excuses his behavior toward you and DH, it's just something I thought I'd throw out there for thought.

[aubreyandkelly]

I do.
I just really trusted this girl and thought we were close.....I considered her one of my best friends.......


I'm glad.
:grouphug:

[*alissa*]

Aramelle...I completely understand where you are coming from..but he isn't the type of guy to be sensitive enough to"bounce things off of" and give any real advice. Others people's pain is funny to him. Plain and simple.

[lunarmagic]

I totally see your point, but I'm thinking... because she is DATING him, SHE doesn't see him the way you and the rest of the world does. People in relationships often overlook a LOT in their significant others.

I agree with everyone else in that I share most things with my hubby, unless it's something that would upset him for no reason or things he just wouldn't understand cause it's a girl thing. But if you told her not to say anything... and she AGREED... then she broke that promise, plain and simple. :( It's sad when "friends" do that.

[*alissa*]

I have had alot of time to think about this....
and calm down obiviously...
and I still feel the same way. She violated my trust, Kris's trust, and broke her promise to me. She sat by and let her BF trash my husband w/o so much as saying one freakin word. Then she tried to flip flop the situation onto me. That is enough for me to say "c-ya".
Natalie...
I do realize "love" covers a mulitude of faults (my favorite saying from the bible, no less, I used it at my grandmother's funeral.) . It is true. When you love someone you see past their faults and most often seet hings others just, don't.
But, whether or not she felt she could trust him to be senstive to the subject, she knew I didn't. THAT is what gets me. I myself would honor a friends request to keep quiet about something pertaining to her and her SO and NOT tell my husband particularly if it had nothing to do with him. Even if I thought he would be a good source of advice on the subject. (Which, for Kris, he shockingly most often times IS)
I also tell my DH just about everything. But then again...I know if I tell him to "hey, this is a sensitive subject for so and so" he will not say a word. Ths is providing that so and so did not explicitly tell me to NOT say anyhthing, in which case I wouldn't.
I think a big differance with me and MY DH is that he aspires to be friends with all of my own friends anyway. And I think that was the biggest thing that got me about this particular friend. Is that she would be so cold and callous about not only MY buisness, but Kris's buisness. Because they were actually pretty close. Not as close as she and I were, but still pretty good friends. After all...it was HIM she would stay up late and cry to when her BF broke up with her on one of those many occasions...because I would always be tired of hearing it. He was much more sensitive to her in those instances than I was. And that is what really got me. Is that THEY were friends, too, and she still sat there and said nothing to her BF when he trash talked DH. I mean..wtf?
Oh well....w/e. I am done w/ her plain and simple.
I am sorry about it all, though.