Have religious differences affected your wedding/marriage/relationship?

[Raychel]

Wedding wise...no, not really. DH told me that there was a part of our ceremony that he sort of zoned out during b/c it dealt with Christianity values and DH is not Christian, but we got married in a Christian chapel so it was expected. Had we not got married in a Christian chapel, I would have left the concept of God in but taken out concepts of particular religious affliations.

In our marriage/relationship... I do me and allow for DH to do what/feel/worship however he chooses. I have never felt that we had to connect on the same plan as far as agreeing with one another on religion for our relationship to work, but at the same time I do know that is important to a lot of couples.

I think our biggest dilemma will probably be how to expose our children to religion. Such as do we teach our children what I believe? What he believes? A combo of both? Or explain different concepts but ultimately let them choose.

[Jaime]

DH and I discussed this at length before getting married.

He is a recovering Catholic. I have no problems with the Catholic faith, but the church he attended was very, very strict. It honestly does not surprise me that he does not want to go back. He was fascinated when he attended the United Methodist church with me. He comes with me every Wednesday night and is getting his feet wet, of sorts, there.

It was more important to me that he was a moral, ethical person. Maybe because I know so many "twice a year Christians" who attend my church. We did our premaritial counseling by my Pastor, and he talked with her about how he felt, etc. We decided that our children will attend my church, and once they get old enough, they are welcome to attend Mass with MIL or the Baptist church with FIL. We wont force them to attend any specific church.

We were married outside, but had a religious ceremony that was tailored to our shared beliefs.

[Deidre98]

FH was baptized in the catholic church and his entire family is catholic but non-practicing due to family issues. I am episcopalian (which is very similar to catholicism) and we are getting married in the episcopal church. So far, we haven't had differences when it comes to the ceremony. I really wanted to do communion but because of his feelings, I would've compromised and not done it since we are getting married in my family church. He told me he didn't mind so it was no big deal.

As far as our relationship goes, I think he would be open to the episcopal church if we lived up near the one we are getting married in. He likes the minister a lot and enjoys the services when we go. Maybe someday if we ever move back up there, we will go more.

For our children, we are going to have them baptized and if they decide to do their first communion and confirmation, that is up to them. We will introduce them to my religion, but if they want to go to a friend's church or decides to become a member of a different faith, that is entirely up to them. We just want them to have religion in some form in their life.

[rowanmayfairs]

James was raised Catholic but hasn't practiced in years. He wanted us to get married in a church but never asked for a Catholic church. (which actually wasn't a possibility anyways).

We got married in a church that is non demontial.

I personally want our daughter to chose her OWN religion. When she's old enough to go to church, I will make sure she gets to attend whatever church she wants.

My parents let me chose whatever religion I wanted and attend whatever church I wanted. I wasn't brought up religious but just taught instead you don't have to attend church to believe.

James sister was also raised catholic (both attend catholic school as a kid) and she hasn't practiced in years. Just recently she found a church she likes and apparently her kids like too and thats where she goes. It is NOT a catholic church.

Their mother would love to see them attend Catholic church again and lightly hints at it. But never forces it or says anything bad about their choices. She gave James a rosary for xmas as a hint. But otherwise nothing else was said. She has never hinted to me or said anything to me.

[Ally]

neither of us are religious at all so we havent had any problems.

[KelciAlexandra]

thank goodness me and FH are both baptist (he's more laid back about it than i am) and we both agree on raising our children in the church and we interpret the bible in similar ways so it works pretty well between the 2 of us. . .

but my first serious boyfriend was a big time athiest and i like to think that im a devout christian. . this was one of the most disfunctional/ hardest relationships i have ever had to work through. . . not just because of the religion aspect but because he preached his values at me and insulted mine. . . this meant that we were constantly arguing about aspects about ourselves that we were not willing to change for the other. . . he's calmed down a bit since then but he use to preach how evil i was for eating meat (he's a vegan) and how ignorant i was for following religion. . .

personally i believe that if a couple respects the others beliefs/ religion that it will work out even if they dont believe in those values themselves. . .

[*Ashley*]

I find the term recovering Catholic offensive, can we please not use that term? It seriously makes me cringe when I see it. :shuffle: I'm sorry his church was so strict, some are -- in any faith, so technically you could recover from all of them. I just think it's a really deragotory term. It's like me saying I'm a recovering Methodist...

Michael is Catholic, I was baptized Catholic, we are getting married in a Catholic church and will raise our children Catholic :) No religious difference problems, other than I just agreed to go back to the Catholic faith, which is, in my opinion -- beautiful :) I love Father Troy, I love the church community -- all of it :)

[MemphisMom]

Ashley, I agree with you. If we are going to have a thread on religion it needs to be for helpful discussion. I am happy for you that you and your FH agree on the part religion will have in your marraige and your future children!

[MostlyMel]

DH and I are both Christian.. we go to a Baptist church but none of us there call ourselves 'Baptists.' I guess you could say I am a more "active" Christian, and when we're having discussions about serious matters or marriage issues, I often bring up things that we learned in counseling or just religious values in general. He often rolls his eyes. That is an issue with us because he claims to be Christian but then gets annoyed when I talk about religion. He was brought up as a "twice a year Christian" so even though he believed the basic teachings, he never really took any of it that seriously. Now, he is slowly coming to realize the importance of my beliefs, and understand them and value them.

With our son, we will bring him up in the church, as long as we live here it will be the Baptist church that we attend now. If we move, it doesn't necessarily have to be another Baptist church, just as long as it teaches the basic Christian values from the Bible. When our son is older we will let him choose his own specific church, but we will raise him to follow Christ.

[BrightEyes]

Bart and I are both Catholic, got married in a Catholic church. However we don't necessarily agree with many things the church says and have our own spirituality. We think pretty similarly in that regard.

Ashley, i have noticed that people's feelings and experiences with Catholicism are greatly dependent on the parish and priests they come in contact with. I have had great ones (was in youth ministry and campus ministry and did a Jesuit volunteer program) and I have met very hypocritical ones. I am so glad you have had a great experience!

[ginny]

Todd and I aren't religious, so we haven't had any problems. We have discussed about what to do when we have kids, what should we raise them as? We still haven't decided but we're not too worried about it :)

[Angela]

Tom and I were both raised Catholic and were married in the Catholic church. When the time comes, our kids will be raised Catholic. We have our own issues with the church, but luckily we have a great priest who I haven't had a problem with. Like Mollie said, a lot of people's exposure/idea of the church is different because of the priest/parish they are from. I grew up in a very strict church that I hated. DH's was not as strict, and it's the church we go to now (when we get to church).

[*Ashley*]

It's totally understandable that people would like/dislike religion based off their priest/pastor, 100%, but that doesn't make them "recovering" from an entire religion, just that priest/pastor or parish :dunno:

Not trying to start anything (and I know nobody took it that way) I just had to express that because it REALLY bothers me.

[*Diane*]

My family didn't practice any religion so I wasn't given much guidance. Mark is anti-organized religion because he thinks that it is more social than spiritual. He was forced to go to church every Sunday and I don't think it matters which denomination it was.

My girls weren't raised to believe anything. In hindsight, I wish that I had given them more opportunities to be exposed to different beliefs. I believe in prayer and communicating with a higher power that is all love.

After being in Italy, I can understand the strength of the Catholic religion. It is beautiful and has many tenets that I could firmly get behind. When I am stressed or scared, I say, "Holy Mary, Mother of God" or "Holy Mackerel, Mother of Cod" depending on really scared I am. :)

Anyway, I didn't mean to derail to a religious discussion which we all know is not allowed here. To answer Raychel, my ILs weren't too pleased that we didn't take our children to church. It didn't cause problems with us though because their opinion was just that- an opinion. It wasn't an issue for us.

[Trinia]

We are both not religious at all so it hasn't affected us.. I was not baptized and although Ev was we will not baptize our baby... When I asked him about what his thoughts about it were he just said "I don't care" :)

[Angela]

We are both not religious at all so it hasn't affected us.. I was not baptized and although Ev was we will not baptize our baby... When I asked him about what his thoughts about it were he just said "I don't care" :)

We discussed the whole baptism thing as well. Tom's kind of ambivalent about it, whereas I really want our children baptized. His sisters didn't have their kids baptized, and neither did my sister, but it's those few nagging beliefs I have left over from my childhood church that make me want to have our kids baptized. I know that's not the best reason in the world, but that's how I feel about it.

[*Ashley*]

It's a reason though Angela, that's all that matters :) My kids will be baptized for the same reason -- because it's what i was taught and what I've learned -- I don't have a big spiritual spiel about it either, LOL :)

[Angela]

It's a reason though Angela, that's all that matters :) My kids will be baptized for the same reason -- because it's what i was taught and what I've learned -- I don't have a big spiritual spiel about it either, LOL :)

Phew, I feel better now. I felt awful for having "just because" as my reason. :)

[~*Kate*~]

My girls weren't raised to believe anything. In hindsight, I wish that I had given them more opportunities to be exposed to different beliefs. I believe in prayer and communicating with a higher power that is all love.

Meh... You taught us to love books, where we got exposed to lots of different things. And it was also very clear that we could go to church if we were curious. Heck, Biz got baptized of her volition as a kid. And I had plenty of religious education in college (plus DH was a religion minor). So don't worry, you did fine. :heee:

That said, we're raising Thomas about the same. DH was raised Presbytyrian, and Thomas is free to attend church with his grandparents or his Methodist aunt and cousins, or to go fishing on Sundays with his Gramps. Thanks to DH's minor, we have tons of books for when he gets older. We will neither encourage nor discourage it.

[Jaime]

It is DH's term, not mine. I think that I should be able to use it if I want to, especially considering we are not even supposed to discuss religion on MLW in the first place.

[~*Kate*~]

That's pretty circular reasoning, but let's just drop it here, shall we?

[Jaime]

Many things said here offend me, but that doesn't mean I want someone to take them down. If that term violates the rules, I am sure a CL will PM me to let me know. Until then, I think that it is okay for me to use it.

[~*Kate*~]

Okay. Here's the deal. Jaime's husband calls himself a recovering Catholic. She doesn't mean any disrespect to the Catholic religion. Ashley would prefer not to hear it anymore. Since Jaime has already posted her view in this thread, there's not much reason for Ashley to hear it again. Correct? Correct.

Now this conversation needs to end, or we'll have to close what has the potential to be a very interesting thread. Deal? Deal.

[Winter_Bride]

Christianity is pretty important to both of us, and was before we met each other. We actually went through the Alpha course (Christianity 101) when we dated as a way to basically open up the lines of communication and see what the other person viewed as important when it came to spirituality.

We have slight differences in our faith, but it doesn't impact us a lot because we know where the other person is coming from (thanks to lengthy discussions) and why.

I think that communication and understanding is SO important in all aspects of relationships, why should this be any different?

[Raychel]

Yes, let's not get this thread shut down! I think it is very valuable for members here and any new members we get to be able to discuss this. I was not asking that we dissect religions but discuss the nature of religion in our marriages and families. Two totally different conversations.

Erie raises a great question or rather just something to think about in the context of your own relationship and spiritual beliefs.

I have known couples (DH's aunt & uncle who have recently divorced comes to mind) who spent most of the marriage disrespecting each other's spiritual background, it is no wonder that they finally separated. I will not bring in specfics when it comes to religions b/c it might upset some people, but basically he came from a place where this religion caused a large amount of distress to the people which it forced itself upon and she came from a place where this religion was a huge part of her everyday life and what she lived for. How could that ever work? It was a situation where it tore them apart.

DH & I do not really discuss religion but I understand and respect and communicate with him what he believes and what I believe. And we are respectful and tolerant of that. I'm getting a minor in comparative religious studies, so I am very intrigued by what others believe. I felt like I was given a chance to find what appealed to me and DH was given that chance, so I think in the long run that is what I want for my children as well. I want to expose them to certain things, but I think in the end I would prefer it be their decision.

[lalalola]

FH and I do not believe in organized religion (and I won't say why because that is the beginning of a 'hot topic') but we both believe in god.

We will let our children decide their own path's and will support them either way!

[Allyson]

There was an issue with my MIL over the Catholic church we decided to have our wedding in. Other than that though, there really is no conflict. Luke and I aren't that religious and are VERY open about our views. We've agreed to raise our children Catholic, but it's not something that we fight over or anything. Our views are pretty similar.

[Winter_Bride]

I think in some senses this is not that different than any other difference of opinion - political, finances, children (how to raise them, whether to even have them, etc.)

If the difference is there, it needs to be dealt with in some regard or another - either (as some have mentioned) you decide it's not an important aspect of your life or your relationship, or you decide to find common ground and focus on that, or you decide that you can compromise, or you can't and decide you're not compatible.

I think where the trouble lies is when couples don't deal with it. Like I said, one person doesn't have to convert for the other, but you each need to decide where you stand, you need to understand (as best you can) where the other person stands, and then you need to determine where to go from there... You also need to figure out how important family influence is! One of my Christian friends married another Christian, but from a different denomination... They figured out a place where both are comfortable worshiping, but his family was (and still is) pretty upset over it!

That's my :twocents: anyways!

[*Diane*]

I agree, Erie but would add this. There are few issues in a marriage where family's opinions matter so much. In some relationships, say a Jewish bride and a Baptist groom, there are bound to be family members that say, "You can't do that with your wedding" and even more long lasting, "You can't rear your children that way". A couple has to be very strong in their beliefs and make sure that they are completely in agreement before they take on relatives.

[Winter_Bride]

Oh goodness, Diane, that is SUCH a good point! :yes:

[KelciAlexandra]

I agree, Erie but would add this. There are few issues in a marriage where family's opinions matter so much. In some relationships, say a Jewish bride and a Baptist groom, there are bound to be family members that say, "You can't do that with your wedding" and even more long lasting, "You can't rear your children that way". A couple has to be very strong in their beliefs and make sure that they are completely in agreement before they take on relatives.

being a kid raised in that kind of situation (dad is jewish and mom was raised christian) it sometimes gets confusing. . . my parents divorced when i was young so it made it even harder to figure out where im suppose to fit in the whole religion part of my life. . . whether i should be jewish (cant technically be cause my mom isnt) because i practiced the holidays with my dad's family or should i be christian because my papa always brought me to church and i celebrated christmas, ect. . . i think before having children especially if there is religious differences in the home it needs to be decided which religion you want to raise your child by or whether you want to do a mix of a 2 or just throw them both out the window and let them decide for themselves. . . thats just my 2 cents. . .

oh yea and in my situation i decided to be a practicing christian that celebrates jewish holidays (and ive been to temple a couple of times too). . . and it works because those 2 religions are so similar im not violating one by practicing the other really. . .

[Sk8ermaiden]

The Catholic ceremony was the BIG one. He had promised me long ago I would never have to be married in the Catholic church. But, during the engagement I decided that I would, kind of as a personal gift to him, because he is confirmed Catholic, and I think getting married outside the church would be much less meaningful to him, and make him feel he was not living up to his confirmation.

But after I told him that he got real stubborn about the ceremony, wanting to leave in every blasted blessing and hymn and reading and response. He was upset at me because I told him I would not bow to the altar when I approached. I was in tears because I hated the ceremony so much - it was so meaningless and empty. He just.couldn't.Get.it.

I finally sat him down and said, "You remember, when we got serious, and you promised me I'd never have to get married in a Catholic church?" (His eyes got real wide like he was worried I was going to take it back and he nodded.) "Obviously I have compromised on that." (Huge sigh of relief from him.) "But I don't want to hate our ceremony - it is so important. These things are so counterintuitive to everything I think a wedding to be. Please help me - I need you to meet me halfway."

And he did. Thank goodness. We ended up with a ceremony we were both happy with.

[angie]

I was raised Catholic and DH was raised Jewish. It works for us because neither of us ended up particularly religious. There are no issues to debate about. We don't plan on having kids, but if we did have them, I would have to do a lot of soul searching on how to bring spirituality into the child's life. I would feel that was important. My DH would not. Of course certain family members of mine would be none too happy with raising a child without a certain faith, but I would have to learn to deal with that. Just as I had to deal with it during the wedding planning and choosing to have a non-religious ceremony.

[Raychel]

The longer I am with DH, the more I find our differences intriguing and there is always something to learn about one another.

During the Christmas season, I liked to watch those religious programming on like the History channel and what not that talked about the history of Christianity for example and also we watched The Nativity Story movie and he would watch those things with me and we would discuss various religious things, & I like having those discussions just b/c it is something that interests me at an intellectual level, so it was intellectual stimulation but it also showed me that we could talk about it with each other and discuss it and it wasn't a hot topic issue or anything.

[Chest Rockwell]

i was raises without any religion in the household. All I had heard was about the evils associated with it and read about the horrible things that came from beliefs. All that turned me off any sort of religion whatsoever. I think the first time I was ever in a church was when I was about 17 for a funeral.

[Golden Circus Girl]

DH is Southern Baptist and I am LDS. It wasn't so much of an issue when we were first married. We figured, Hey, our religions are mostly alike, it's no big deal!

Then the baby came along and suddenly our religions seem VERY different. It's becoming a big issue as she's getting older (she's four now). I really suggest that couples have many, many discussions about this and maybe some premarital counseling. After kids come along, having two religions in one household is very complicated.

[jesmendi]

I was raised Episcopalian and Wesley was raised in the Church of Christ. (I won't say anything about my feelings on the Church of Christ as to not offend anyone) Wesley is now an atheist and I am still Episcopalian. We will be getting married in my parents' church.

He actually wants to raise our kids in the church, he even wants to go with us. His only worry is that people won't like him being there...I said "honey, they're Episcopalians, they won't even ask." :laugh3:

He's always been really respectful of my beliefs and I have been respectful of his. It's almost a non-issue. We have intelligent conversations and we are always respectful.

[Maria 05]

In my first marriage (which I am trying to get annulled) religion became difficult. I am interested on an intellectual level about learning about other faiths. I am interested so that I can be more accepting of other religions but not that I would convert. The fact was I had to read those books in secret because my ex husband who was a non practicing Catholic (he did not even want the mass) would become very angry if he saw the other books.


I think that as long as the discussions are open and respectful. A friend and I are having a conversation about the "confessional and reconciliation" he does not get that sacrament but he understands my feelings towards it and respects my views. He also understands what a comfort it was to have the priest give Sacrament of the Sick to my granny when she went into hospital.

[nikkiscott]

It was pretty easy for us. Neither one of us are religious. So we both knew that we didn't want anything said with God or Jesus. And it was great cause our JP doesn't do ceremony's where she says anything like that.

When I was growing up we always went to church cause my mom wanted us to. We did the hole sunday school stuff, but when we got older we just stopped going and that was that.

[flasoxgirl]

I am Jewish and FH is not really religious. His family does a big Christmas but it has nothing religious about it, just a family celebration. I am not "religious" but there are some Jewish traditions that I practice. We are big on holidays such as Passover as that is something that brings my entire extended family together from all over the country and actually the world (my brother lives in Israel).

Right now there is no issue and we are getting married buy a JP in a non religious ceremony. When we have children I plan on raising them with both religions but with a strong Jewish leaning. I will never take Christmas away from DH because that is very improtant to him but I plan on exposing the children to both sets of holidays and go from there. It is more important to my mother and I want to do enough to be respectful to her and keep everyone happy.