In need of advice!

[Julie]

(Copied from my journal)
I'm freaking out. FH is the first guy I've dated, my first bf etc. I'm starting to feel like I'm not ready to be engaged or something. I know this sounds horrible, and hopefully you won't think I am. I never got the time have fun and be single or something. I also never thought he'd propose as early as he had. I love him, but I feel like I need to make sure that this is it. I feel like I'm too dependent on being with someone. I know it's better to figure this out now then later, I'm just having a terrible time with it. We've kind of talked about it, but now it feels like we're in limbo because he's living here. I was upset over it the other day and he was home, and he kept bugging me to talk about it. I finally just caved, and that's not what I wanted. I wanted to feel like I had sorted this out in my own head before I said anything about it. Now he keeps on me constantly about it, which I don't blame him. I'm just so confused, and I know there is no talking a break with him. He's done that before in past relationships, and he's told me before he won't do that. So if I make some quick decision I'll lose him for good. I just wish I knew what to do. Have any of you gone through this? I'm just totally lost right now.

[Deidre98]

:hug: I don't really have any advice because I haven't been through this but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I am sure some of the girls on here will be here with good advice.

[Jaci]

honestly? This is completely normal, but the decisions you have to make can be really hard. I went through this with Chris, all after we had the wedding practically planned and had bought a house. I know there are other girls around here who have also gone through this.

I'm here to listen!

[lalalola]

I've totally gone through this 2 times!

FH was my first serious bf and I met him 3 days before grade 12 started. I went through 2 rough patches in my life where I wasn't sure if I was ready to committ to one guy for my whole entire life.

We talked about it and thought about it long and hard and I decided that I didn't want to lose him and go on a break.

You have to decide what you want in your life. make a pro and con list and it should be pretty apparent what your decision should be. And don't listen to what ever one else in your life has to say, because it will just confuse you.

I totalloy agree with you about making your decision before it is too late!!!!!!!!!

[Julie]

Thanks for the advice. I think my biggest problem is that I messed around with someone this past weekend. I know I left that out, but I guess I didn't want to look terrible. I probably should have mentioned it huh? I just feel like that makes such a big difference in the whole situation. I feel terrible about it, and it's not the type of person I am. I just don't know where this is all coming from. It's not me, but I guess I don't know anymore.

[Jaime]

Oh yeah, I have totally been there.. DH was my first everything.. first boyfriend, first kiss, all the firsts. I will admit that there have been times when I look at my friend, who is single, and think "Boy it must be nice to be able to paint the house whatever color you want and not to have to consult with another person." You know? I never did that. I never lived alone.

That being said, I am happy with DH and I am glad that I married him. One compromise we have made is that we made it a point to get a house big enough so that we do not have to be on top of each other all the time. He knows that if I tell him I don't want to talk about something, not to pressure me, and vice versa. That was a learned thing, it wasn't like that from the beginning. It is just important that we each have our own space if we need it.

Good luck :glomp:

[Jaime]

Thanks for the advice. I think my biggest problem is that I messed around with someone this past weekend. I know I left that out, but I guess I didn't want to look terrible. I probably should have mentioned it huh? I just feel like that makes such a big difference in the whole situation. I feel terrible about it, and it's not the type of person I am. I just don't know where this is all coming from. It's not me, but I guess I don't know anymore.

I didn't read this before I posted :blush: This might be a sign that you don't want to marry him... I mean, perhaps you did that because you do want your freedom, some time to date other guys, to see what that life is like. Go with your heart!

[Mandy]

ITA with Jamie. Don't rush into any decisions. Take your time and really weigh the pros and cons of this situaiton. Good luck to you! :hug:

[jillian]

I got this from the Playboy advisor. A balanced marriage comes when you don't need the relationship, when you can function on your own. When you're secure with yourself, you're not pulling at each other.

A broken engagement is a lot easier than a broken marriage.

[BizBis]

Sweetie, I don't have much advice but I do have one of these- :glomp: I've known a few girls who went through the same thing and each situation is totally different. But what I think you need to think about is- If he isn't willing to give you the time to figure it out, then perhaps, he's not the one you need to be marrying anyway. Men can be stubborn, but I guess I just feel like when you truly love the other person, no matter how much it hurts, you give them the time they need when they need it. I understand you're feeling guilty about messing around with someone else and perhaps now you feel you're not deserving of the time you need to sort out your heart and head. But that isn't true. Don't end up marrying someone b/c you feel guilty and don't want to hurt them. Eventually, you will resent that person b/c you never did put yourself first. I know this from personal experience. I was engaged to a guy for almost two yrs and he literally took over my entire life. I wont go into detail, but the point I am trying to make is, make sure you do this FOR YOU, no matter how hard it can be. You deserve happiness too. Not saying he doesn't by any means, but hopefully you get what I mean and don't take any of this as me being against your FH. It is TOTALLY not what I meant to sound like or do.

[Winter_Bride]

My DH and I dated for a VERY short time before we got engaged, and there were so many times I felt like I wasn't ready. It's not that I didn't LOVE DH or anything, but I was wondering if I was missing out on something, if I was ready, if HE was ready, etc.

Ultimately, I realized that what I thought I might be missing never really existed. I realized that what I wanted I wanted to have with DH. But that was ME.

You need figure out what you feel you're missing. If you aren't ready to get married, then you aren't ready. As Jillian said, a broken engagement is a lot easier than a broken marriage.

As for how to approach this with your FH, be aware that he's not going to ever completely understand. But if he really honestly loves you, hopefully he'll give you the space you need while you figure everything out!

I'm sorry you're going through this! :hug:

[MostlyMel]

I agree with what all of the other girls said... you need to figure out what's right for YOU, and don't rush into things. I don't think you're being unreasonable by wanting your space or wanting to figure things out on your own. You messing around with someone last weekend seems like a sign that you might not be ready for marriage. There's no shame in that.. just be honest about it. If you need to take time for yourself and take a break from your relationship, FH should respect that. It's much better to do that than to constantly feel trapped by it, then get married anyway and possibly end up regretting it. That is not fair to you or to FH.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, I know that this isn't easy. I have felt the same with my DH before, while we were dating. We did end up taking a break (twice, actually), and were able to sort things out on our own and figure out what was really best for us. I am very glad that we did that, otherwise I might have regretted moving to the next step.

:hug: Good luck to you, I hope everything works out for the best.

[firefightingal]

To keep it short and sweet, if you cheated, then you're not ready for a marriage.