Weird situation- what to do?

[Amanda&Hugo]

Hello ladies, I hope someone can weigh in on this with their :twocents:! Bear with me because there is a back story.

Hugo's cousin got engaged last year. We went to the engagement party and gave a gift. They were planning a wedding for December of this year. Well, we were shocked when they called out of the blue this spring and said they were getting married that Friday, could we come! For the sake of his cousin, also because we were concerned for why they were suddenly throwing a "shotgun" wedding like that, we dropped everything and went. We didn't have time to get off work to be there for the ceremony held at a museum (it was 2 hours out of town), but we hurried to make it for what we understood was the reception. Everyone was gathered at my ILs house. There was a professional photographer taking pictures, a wedding party (albeit not in tuxes/dresses), hors d'oeurves and a champagne toast. We understood that we were then going to a restaurant. Well- no one made a move toward leaving. Everyone just hung around at ILs so long that MIL had to go through her freezer to find enough food to offer everyone (maybe 15 people) to eat.

I thought that was tacky enough right there, imposing on MIL to basically hold their "reception" at her home in the spur of the moment. But no, that was just the beginning. Everyone had brought gifts to celebrate the wedding because we understood this was their wedding day. I had felt so sorry about this girl giving up the big wedding she talked about for so long, I went and got the biggest item on her registry (a full set of china) which was at least twice what I would have normally spent on a close friend or family, because I wanted them to have something nice and try to help make up for what she would be missing with a big wedding.

The whole time we could not figure out why they had called this wedding so soon. The bride was drinking wine, so that negated theory #1. We did not want to be too nosey and ask.

Finally after the bride and groom opened gifts, the bride said, "Now I really can't wait for our next wedding in December!"

We were all like :jawdrop:- WTF??!!

They went on to say that this wedding was only for them to get military housing benefits, and they were planning to go on with their large December wedding as planned. Now, I have heard of this in a few cases, but usually, what I have seen is the couple keeps one wedding quiet (usually the civil one) and does a bigger church one at a later date. I have never heard of people INVITING people to celebrate both though! (with the exception of witnesses)

Since then we have gotten a Save the Date, a formal invitation to the second wedding, AND to top it all off, I got an invitation to a shower next month!

My first inclination when I saw the shower invitation was to throw it in the trash. Not to sound mean, but I already spent a ***load of money on a gift for them, and we have never even gotten a thank you note for it. In addition, the bride's wedding website lists Hugo as a groomsman for this second wedding- and they have not even asked him to be in the wedding! The groom did mention one time that he might be in it, but never called him back... so now it looks like we will be spending another $$$ for a tux so Hugo can be in this thing.

I just think these people are an etiquette disaster and I cringe whenever I think about any of this. What do you guys think? Would I be evil to decline going to the shower? I don't even want to get them a second wedding gift, even if Hugo is a groomsman, because we have already spent so much on them and not even been acknowledged, and it looks like they are just asking us to spend more. :firemad:

[~*Kate*~]

:shock: I think you are totally within your rights to not give them a second wedding gift! Wow. And I'm assuming the shower is out of town, so I would just give your regrets and not worry about it. If you do decide you need to give a shower gift, I'd make it small. Super small. $10 gift card small. :lol:

[*meghan*]

:shock: I think you are totally within your rights to not give them a second wedding gift! Wow. And I'm assuming the shower is out of town, so I would just give your regrets and not worry about it. If you do decide you need to give a shower gift, I'd make it small. Super small. $10 gift card small. :lol:

:word: Wow. I think I would be super pissed. They better not say anything to you if you don't go to the shower.

[JerAndKathy]

You're very mean...I'd go to the shower and get them a gift...I'd buy them an etiquette book. ;)

Kidding, of course, about you being mean. :) But I would buy 'em an etiquette book.

[Jaime]

No no no no noooooooo.. do NOT give them a second wedding gift. You have already given her the most expensive one on her registry!! You have done enough, decline the shower invite.

[Krissy]

We actually had a similar situation. We got married six months before our actual wedding so that we could be put on the waiting list for military housing. You couldn't be on the list without being married but if we waited til we were married where would we have lived for 6 months? It was a catch 22. Anywho, we got married in July of '02. But we didn't have ANY sort of ceremony. Nothing. I didn't even know what day we were married until we got our certificate in the mail. Bob's roommate was an ordained minister and did everything for us.

Anyway, all that to say I can see WHY they might need to do this but in this way? No way! Tacky tacky tacky! If they were going to have a small ceremony they should have atleast informed the guests of their intentions so they could plan accordingly!

If I were you I would probably get her something small for the shower and wedding. It's really a lot for her to expect you to bring gifts for both occasions. Holy moly!

[lalalola]

I wouldn't give them a second gift!

[~LeAna~]

I wouldn't attend the shower and I wouldn't give a second wedding gift. I would probably give just a card wishing them the best and saying that you hope they enjoy the china.

What does the rest of your family think of this? They must be just as appalled. I wonder why no one told her what a bad idea this was...

[*Diane*]

:eeek: I would kindly give my regrets for the shower. Hugo should call the groom and say, "Hey, did you want me to be in your wedding because my beautiful wife noticed my name on your wedding site". If the groom says, yes, he would be honored if Hugo could stand up with him- well, consider it an honor in return. I definitely would not give another wedding gift however!

[jillian]

I would do what Diane says.

[~Sherry~]

I wouldn't get another wedding gift. I would get them a small $10 gift card and sent it with your regrets for the bridal shower. Then for the wedding, if Hugo is in the wedding, that would be a gift enough. If he's not, I probably wouldn't even go.

[Angela]

I like LeAna's idea - no shower gift and give them a card at the wedding saying that you hope they like the china you gave them when they got married. End of story.

[Raychel]

OMG! and ^^exactly

There is no need at all for you to spend anymore money and all this definitely deserves a special mention in etiquette hell.

[*Ashley*]

I agree 100% with LeAna. I think that's the best route to go. I would send regrets to the shower as well :)

[nikkiana]

I agree with what most everyone else has said. Send your regrets about attending the shower, attend the wedding but don't buy a second gift.

[LyssaKel]

I wouldn't give another gift either. She probably sent you the invite to not leave you out. I would hope that she doesn't expect another gift after the super nice one you already gave her.

[Winter_Bride]

As Krissy mentioned, I do understand why they might have bumped up the civil aspect of the wedding, and quite frankly, I also understand why they might have invited friends and family. Why they wouldn't have INFORMED people is beyond me!!

Diane had a good idea - Hugo should ask about being in the WP, and if he is, appriciate the honor. No, do not go to the shower, and certainly do not worry about buying them another wedding gift!!

[Sabby12s]

I agree with everyone. Don't go to the shower and give them a card. You spent enough money already.

[Deidre98]

:agree: I agree completely with what everyone else has already said!

[angie]

You gave them a very generous wedding gift. I would leave it at that.

I don't know if I would even give her a shower gift with a small amount of $$. To me, it's almost like tipping a waitress well below the 15-20%. You're kind of suggesting something is wrong. Her having a shower isn't what's wrong here. Her having 2 weddings with the fanfare, that is what's wrong.

[mrs.g]

I agree with everyone else.

I would send my 'regrets' of not being able to attend the shower, but I'd also send them an etiquette book as a 'gift' as well as a card saying enjoy the china.

I'd also have Hugo call and say what Diane mentioned.

[Jaime]

Could there maybe have been a misunderstanding in reguards to people being invited to the first wedding? Like, maybe a family member got confused and thought that that was the only wedding they were having and invited everyone?

[*Kim*]

ITA with what LeAna said, decline the shower invite, go to the second wedding with a card that simply reads "congrats on the wedding. i hope you enjoy the china set we gave you'. if hugo is a groomsman, fine. that would be what i would do.

[Poloke]

I would send my regrets about the shower, no gift for that or the 2nd fanfare wedding.

I would not ask about Hugo being in the wedding. They have not asked him formally, and if you do ask about it that might make it sound like Hugo really wants to do this. Another heap of expenses for you guys. I'd pretend I didn't even see the website and just keep mum about the assumption that Hugo would be a groomsman.

[Mandy]

Wowsers. Apparently that bride needs a place like this! :lol:

ITA with LeAna.

[BrightEyes]

IMO that was her shower, this "wedding" you went to. You do not have any need to give her a second wedding gift since you gave her the gift for the occasion in general.The card with the mention of the china set is fine.

I would also ignore the website and if they make comments on him being a GM say that you never heard form them and was not aware this was the case, and can't help (unless he really wants to) on the short notice.

They sound rather flaky.

[Winter_Bride]

I don't know if I would even mention the china in the card... I would ask them about it at a later date (did you like it? have you used it yet? etc.) but it would seem a little rude to me to make a comment about the gift in a card you're giving later on... Maybe that's just me though...

Any update on the situation?

[Jaime]

I agree with Erie, I would not mention the China at all, believe me, if it was the most expensive item on her registry, she will remember that you gave it to her.

[Amanda&Hugo]

Hi! I am just now getting back on here to update. Thank you all so much for your advice!! I am :laugh3: about Jer's suggestion of an etiquette book! I am SOOO tempted! :hehe: I wouldn't dare though. I appreciate all of your input... I was feeling the same way, but wanted to double check with all of you to be sure I wasn't being too harsh.

Turns out, there is another twist that we've discovered, and I definitely feel I wasn't being too hard on them now that I consider this. I pulled out the invite to send them the RSVP (for the wedding, not the shower), and lo and behold- the date of this second wedding is FRIDAY, Dec. 14. And not only is it on a Friday, but it is at 3:00 on a Friday!!!! WTH were they thinking??? I am glad I reread this invitation, because I guess I didn't read it well the first time and just assumed it was on a Saturday since most other formal weddings are on a Saturday (particularly Catholic ones). But no, this is on a Friday... at 3:00! :mad:

Do they not realize that most people have to WORK on Fridays???

So, what it boils down to now is that Hugo, who has now been asked to be a groomsman, is going to have to take the whole day off work to be able to get there in time to get dressed and be in the wedding (it is out of town). I don't have an option. I work in the school system and we do not get vacation time. Our vacation time is our 2 months off. I had to tell them I had an eye appt. last spring so I could use 1/2 a day sick leave to go to my brother's college graduation last May. I only have sick leave, and I only have 5 days sick leave at that, which is barely going to cover my OB appts. until April! If I really get sick before then, I'll have to take time without pay.

So there is no way I can go to this shebang, not unless I go to the reception only, which is at 6 PM. But, that would mean I would have to drive another car out of town to do so, and I just don't think it's worth it. Unless the groom or groom's brother can come up here and pick up Hugo the morning of the wedding and we can ride home together afterwards, which is probably unlikely.

I am just appalled that this couple made all this fuss over having a second wedding and then planned it for the middle of the afternoon on a Friday!!! It is absolutely ridiculous. I am glad I'm not the only one upset. Hugo's mom was asked to be a reader and she has to take off work as well. She already told them she is NOT coming to the rehearsal out of town on Thursday night! :rolleyes: I am telling Hugo he's not going either... it would be a waste of gas because he knows what to do in a wedding.

Some people, I swear! :rollpin:

[angie]

Wow. This couple really didn't think things through, did they?

[Mrs. Bebe]

I'm having my wedding on a Friday. Realistically speaking, the vast majority of the world no longer works on a 9-5 M-F schedule. I understand completely if people can't make it because of work, but I see it as no different than planning a wedding on a long weekend that has a holiday. I wouldn't exactly hold a grudge for that. Honestly, the couple needs to do what is best for them, and if that's a friday wedding, so be it. I imagine you are planning your own wedding around your needs primarily as well.
I do, however, agree with the other concerns you've voiced. Sounds like she did not consider other peoples needs at all, and that's an entirely different story. If you can't go, I wouldn't feel too bad about missing it since you went to the first one. But I know other couples who have had large weddings after civil ceremonies because they wanted to experience their "big day" like any one else. If you're not comfortable going, then I wouldn't go and I'd leave it at that.

I don't see the need for putting rude remards or nasty gifts into the mix. It would lower you to their level, and would possibly hurt them on a day that they should remember fondly. Have you considered talking to the couple about your thoughts regarding this?

[Aramelle]

Hmmm. Well, I have to say that I don't personally see anything wrong with the basic concept of them wanting to celebrate their marriage with their family on both occasions. I do, however, agree that the way they are handling some of the situation seems a little "off."

DH and I ended up getting married a year before our initial set wedding date due to health benefits. While it was a very small ceremony, we did have some family members in attendance, and we did all go out for a nice dinner afterwards. Of those people who did attend, we received a gift from everyone, though we most certainly didn't expect anything from anybody.

We chose not to register for gifts...something I likely wouldn't have done anyway, but I felt even more strongly about not doing so since we were already married. Some of my co-workers did still throw me a shower the month before our vow renewal. I actually went back and forth a lot about whether to "allow" them to do so before finally agreeing because I didn't want it to seem improper. I did make a specific point of telling the girls who hosted the shower that I wanted it to be more about celebrating this wonderful time in my life and not about gifts. Yes, I did still receive gifts at the shower, but I wouldn't have cared one inch if there'd been none. For our renewal, we did receive gifts from most of our guests, including a gift from members of DH's family who had also given us something small at our legal marriage. My ILs and DH's grandma, who had both given us very generous gifts when we were married, didn't not give us anything this time around, and I, quite frankly, would have been rather uncomfortable with it if they had after what we'd already received from them.

I agree that you most certainly should not feel obligated to give a gift for the shower or the wedding day, and I really hope that they're not actually expecting any such thing from any of their guests.

[Amanda&Hugo]

Thanks for you guys' input. I still feel a little weird about the whole thing. I am hoping Hugo and the groom can talk out the transportation/rehearsal issues maybe this weekend when we go to Hugo's hometown to visit.

Zita- I have not really considered talking to the couple about this, because obviously they don't see anything "wrong" with how they are going about everything and I do not want to put a damper on their happiness. As you said about remarking to them about gifts, etc.- it is not such a major issue that I would want to cause them any grief about it. Live and let live. If this is how they want to do things, it is their wedding. It's just a shame that there are major etiquette issues with a lot of what they have done. I don't agree that "the vast majority" of the world doesn't work 9-5 though. At least in my families and social circles, the vast majority DO work 9-5 or similar hours because of our professions. Everyone that I know that is going to this wedding is having to take time off unless they are retired. Even kids would have to get off school early to go.

Aramelle- It is good to have input from a bride who actually was in a similar situation. A major difference I see is that your second event was a vow renewal. For some reason that just seems to make a lot more sense to me than calling both days the wedding day. I think what has caused us the most grief with this couple was thinking we HAD been there to celebrate, only to find out, "well never mind, this didn't mean anything to us, it's our NEXT wedding we are really counting." To not have been informed of their intentions until after the fact was frustrating.

I still wish them the best for the future even though I don't think I will be there (at the second wedding).

[Aramelle]

Aramelle- It is good to have input from a bride who actually was in a similar situation. A major difference I see is that your second event was a vow renewal. For some reason that just seems to make a lot more sense to me than calling both days the wedding day. I think what has caused us the most grief with this couple was thinking we HAD been there to celebrate, only to find out, "well never mind, this didn't mean anything to us, it's our NEXT wedding we are really counting." To not have been informed of their intentions until after the fact was frustrating.

Amanda, I completely agree that the presentation of the change of plans was quite poor, and I too would have made the assumption that you did and purchase THE wedding gift at that time. I completely understand your frustration with all of this. Regardless of what they want to think, this is a vow renewal. Sure, we still called ours our wedding, too, but we never lost sight of the fact that we were already married. I think it's sad that they don't seem to be paying much creedance to the day that actually united them as husband and wife. Celebrating with family is a wonderful thing (heck, that's why we had the renewal), but it's still not as amazing as the day that you are actually married. I think because I was so uber-sensitive in trying to handle the gift situation the "right" way in our circumstance, I find it all the more annoying to hear of other couples who aren't making the same efforts. So, short story made long, I completely see your point and understand why you would be so frustrated by this situation. :) My main point in my rant yesterday was that you absolutely shouldn't feel obligated to purchase yet another gift. If they think that they are entitled to one, well then, shame on them.

I hope that you're able to figure out the transportation situation for Hugo. I'm baffled that these people would wait until two months before their wedding to ask someone to commit to being in the WP, especially if they'd planned it far enough ahead to put on a web site. You're both being far more gracious about the situation than I would be. ;)

[km]

In my honest opinion etiquette has been thrown out the window a long time ago concerning many things, especially weddings. I think you should do what you feel is the right thing to do for you. AS the Bride decided to do what was the right thing to do for them. Although, reading the whole thing I found it quite confusing, but I am not surprised about what Brides do anymore. JMO

[yogi_deuce]

Is her name Ciara by chance?

[km]

I think they were totally wrong at how they proceeded with things and I wouldn't go to the next wedding in December because you already went to their wedding regardless of their reasons for having it then , oh that goes for the shower too, I would just send a lovely card with kinds words.

[*Ashley*]

The Friday thing isn't that big of a deal, but the way they've handled the entire wedding sucks. They should have made it clear they intended to go forward with their big wedding, but that they were going ahead and having this wedding and wanted their family there. It shouldn't have been a surprise.