choosing one family over the other

[KelciAlexandra]

does your wedding site favor one family over the other?

example: fh is from mississippi and im from california my family does have more money than his but not by much, so we decided to have the wedding in mississippi (plus it will be cheaper) but as my mom puts it, thats like putting his family first because it means that certain people in my family will not be able to attend, but if we have it in california that means that almost ALL of his family would not be able to attend

i havent talked to fh about this yet but i have been thinking about moving the wedding to nevada, i have some family there and that way more of my family and friends will be able to go and it would be cheaper for his family to get out there than to go all the way to california... but i dont want to exclude his family all together or mine because we're both very close to our families

im just wondering if anyone else is or has been in this situation and what you decided (or are deciding) to do and how it worked out

[Winter_Bride]

Ours favored my side. We live in Edmonton , Alberta. Our friends are in Edmonton, my family's in Edmonton, and we got married in Edmonton. DH's family is from all over two different provinces, so to find something that would favor his side would have been harder, and it would have been harder to plan as it would have been a destination wedding for us.

It's hard because in your situation, you really need to choose one or the other, hey? Is there a central location you can choose? Where do you live now? One way to decide that would hopefully be viewed as more fair to all parties would be to look at the guestlist and have a look at where the majority of your guestlist lives. Otherwise, your idea to move it to Nevada could work - that way everyone travels.

ETA - just remember that this might be one of those things where you can't please everyone - someone will get hurt/be insulted/be upset. :hug99:

[KelciAlexandra]

i just mentioned this to fh and he freaked out! he got all defensive about moving the wedding because he says the NONE of his family would go... we still have almost a year 1/2 till the wedding and i told him that his family could start saving (like his parents, sisters, aunts and uncles) he told me that they wouldnt save and wouldnt make it out to our wedding... personally i think that would be their fault for not saving... what about MY family... plus my family has wedding traditions (the aunts' shower, the guys fishing day, they actually show up for the wedding AND reception and not just for the food like his does)... half of his family think that we already got married at the court house (like everyone else has) and to me it just seems like my family (and me) are going to be missing out on a lot more than his... i asked him if we could have the wedding in nevada and the reception in mississippi but he said no... this is the first time we've talked about it but i wish he could try to see it from my point of view... (this is the first wedding thing we've argued about)

[Winter_Bride]

That brings up another idea - Lunarmagic is a Canadian who got married in the States (where she then moved to to be with her husband). She had the wedding down there, but then had a second reception in Canada with her family.

Is that an option for you? Could you get married in Mississippi, and then hold a second reception for your side of the family?

Try talking to him again about it, but give him some time to think about it first. It sounds like his "freak out" was probably a knee-jerk reaction. I'm sure that if he saw your point of view he'd be more understanding. He still might not agree, but would be more open to suggestions.

[KelciAlexandra]

:( so me and fh have been arguing about this for about a week... im about to the point where i dont care about having a wedding anymore because im so sick of the fighting... i think its ridiculous that his family (even his parents) will refuse to save up the money to come out to the west coast and he expects mine to struggle to come out to the south AND help pay for the wedding... i know his family doesnt give a s**t about where or when we get married and that most of them probably wont show up because they rather sleep in but he has it suck in his head that they will do whatever they can to get to our wedding except travel out of state... i mean more than half of them think that we're already married because i have an engagement ring and he has a promise ring... theyre surprised that he got me a ring BEFORE he got me knocked up and married me... i just feels like his family does not respect the wedding tradition (because more than half of them think that we will get divorced within the next 5 years or cheat on eachother) while my family would be terribly hurt if we didnt have it where they could travel to (my family is willing to drive 4-5 hours for our wedding and maybe even fly across the country for it while driving 2 hours for his is stretching it) i know im rambling but im so upset over all of this... i cant imagine getting married without my family around me... and i asked him if we could just have a reception in mississippi and the real wedding in nevada and he said that would be unfair to his family... i dont understand how it would be unfair to his family any more than mine... especially since mine would appriciate it more and actually show up for it and not just for the free food... i told him that if our marriage meant that much to his family and friends than they would save up the money in the next 18 months to go to our wedding... he said that we shouldnt be unfair to expect that of them... i know i just need to stop cause im repeating things but i hate how this has made me just hate our wedding... really i dont even care to get married anymore just because of this... i feel almost like im getting blackmailed or guilted into it...

[MsJessica07]

First :hug: This must be terribly upsetting for you!

Second, I think you need to reassure him that this isn't about him or rejecting him, this is about your need to have your family at your wedding. It really has much less to do with his family (although I'm sure that situation must get very frustrating very quickly), and more to do with you, your family traditions and your feelings.

This sort of reminds me of a fight my husband and I had over my birthday. We agreed to go on a trip that I wasn't really looking forward to around my birthday, but at the last minute, the days changed and it turned out that it would be exactly on my birthday. It took us a while to realize that that's what the date change would mean, and so it was too late to change it, but I was really, really upset because in my family, a birthday is a big deal. Raif didn't understand because in his family, it's never a big deal...you maybe have some people over during the weekend closest to the birthday, but you don't really tell them what's going on until someone brings out a cake (without candles or anything) and on the actual day, very little happens. But, in my family, it really is a big deal, and I love that it's that way. Each of us gets a party on the weekend after their birthday, and on the day you get gifts and a nice dinner out.

He made it up to me once he understood, and keeps it in mind when future birthdays come around, but he didn't understand because he'd never really experience a birthday that way. Maybe there is some kind of analogy here for your fiance? Maybe he doesn't understand what you dream about for your wedding because he's used to the kinds of weddings you described in his family.

:hug: I hope that helped, and I hope you guys can work out something.

[Deidre98]

Honestly, Erie brings up some good suggestions. And no matter what you do, neither family is going to be completely happy. Why is your FH so stuck on having the wedding in Mississippi? What about having it in some central location or maybe even going someplace tropical and having a destination wedding. Your wedding is about you as a couple and the commitment you are making to one another and since marriage is about compromise, I think it's only fair for you both to compromise. If someone really wants to be there, they will save up the money and make it there. If they can't or won't, then they are missing out.

[carolinalady67]

We favored us. My family lives in Iowa, his family lives in upstate New York and we live in North Carolina. We got married in NC and let anyone who could travel and the rest we understood they couldn't make it and just sent them some pictures and the link to our website for more after the wedding.

We did think about having it in Iowa or New York (or Ohio for central location :giggle:) but I'm so happy we did it in NC. Bottom line, do what the two of YOU want.

[*meghan*]

We favored us. My family lives in Iowa, his family lives in upstate New York and we live in North Carolina. We got married in NC and let anyone who could travel and the rest we understood they couldn't make it and just sent them some pictures and the link to our website for more after the wedding.

We did think about having it in Iowa or New York (or Ohio for central location :giggle:) but I'm so happy we did it in NC. Bottom line, do what the two of YOU want.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Lisa. My family is in VA and PA, his family is in NC, Colorado, and Nebraska. We got married right here at home in NC, because it's OUR home and it meant more to us to be married where we've made our home than in either one of our hometowns.

[KelciAlexandra]

but we dont have a HOME yet... im still in college and if we do stay in mississippi it wont be for long... we've actually been talking about moving to nevada (where the wedding would be) because theres more job opportunites for both of us and the economy is stable enough to where we would be able to afford a decent house and raise a family in a good school system... he tells me he doesnt care but we keep on arguing about it because both me and him KNOW that he DOES care...

[Mandy]

This is almost the exact same thing we went through for our wedding. When we got engaged, we lived in NC, where the majority of my family lived. We began planning the wedding out there. Of course, DH's family (who live in WI) freaked out and told us they wouldn't be attending. So, DH and I argued constantly.

Finally, we ended up moving back to WI. So it left my family paying for the majority of the wedding AND having to travel out to attend. We dealt with a great deal of resentment between the 2 families, some of which has yet to wear off. My family is angry that they are always the ones to do something nice for us (Chad's family wont even get him a birthday present...last year for Christmas his sister bought him a bottle of ketchup because "he likes ketchup so much"). DH's family thinks I'm spoiled and that my family apparently has a ton of money to blow (which is NOT true) and therefore they shouldn't have to ever spend any money on us because "Mandy's family will take care of it".

So, I guess my suggestion (albeit long-winded) is do what's the best for you as a couple. My husband couldn't see past the idea that his family wouldn't be there if we didn't have the wedding in WI. In the long run, I knew it would've caused more drama to not have his family there at all. Remind your FH that the wedding is only a single day, and whatever the decision is, you're both going to have to deal with the aftermath for a while afterward. Make a list of what the most important aspects of the day are for both of you. Maybe you choose a destination wedding, where both families would need to travel. Maybe you choose to have it closer to his side, but have stipulations. Whatever you decide, the best of luck to you. Planning itself is so stressful, and once you start getting into the "his family vs. mine" stuff, it adds a whole new layer of stress. Good luck hon! :)

[Angela]

Most of our family live here in this area, so it wasn't a problem.

However, the only problem we had was with some of my family. They couldn't understand WHY we wanted to have an evening wedding. They thought "weddings should be during the day." Practically all the weddings I've been to have been night weddings, and I think they're more fun. I wasn't about to have an early day (I'm NOT a morning person), and therefore be super cranky just to please them.

[KelciAlexandra]

me and fh have been talking about having the "big" wedding either in california or nevada because MY family would pay for it and also MY family cares more about tradition... then we would have a 6 month renewal and the "small" wedding in mississippi with a BBQ reception with HIS family because they dont expect the "big" wedding and i think they would be more comfortable with the more laid back style... we still havent brought this up with anyone but i hope that it doesnt start too much trouble... i know that there are going to be people in his family that will use this just to start a fight (cause those certain people are crappy like that) but we're gonna try to put our foot down because this is the fairest way we can think of

[Winter_Bride]

That sounds like a great compromise!

[hellobethie]

That does indeed sound like a great compromise! Good for you! Way to stick to your guns, but also find some acceptable middle ground!

[carolinalady67]

That does sound like a good compromise.

My sister and BIL got married while they were living in Colorado. His family and ours are both in parts of Iowa. So a few months after their small private wedding in Colorado they had a reception back in Iowa. It was a good option for them because neither of them cared about having a big wedding. They had it at a small Church with a couple friends there to witness and video tape it. And we all still got to enjoy the party with them.