How do I tell her?

[ginny]

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my cousin here before, but this problem deals with her.

She is getting married this year, and last year she didn't really ask if I would be a bridesmaid, I just assumed I would be one, which I am. Early last year she was starting to think of dates for the wedding and she decided on November 2008, and she was set on having her wedding colors be fuschia and green, which was great.

I found out through her mom (my aunt) a few weeks before my wedding that they had set the date and booked the place for the ceremony/reception. She said even though they could get the November date, my cousin decided to change the date to September 27. Basically a week after my wedding date. This year our 1 year anniversary is on a Monday so we were probably going to go away from the 20th-28th. But since I'm her bridesmaid, we wouldn't be able to do that.

I wouldn't necessarily think she was copying me, but then she showed me the bridesmaids dresses she had picked out. They are very similar to mine, and she had changed her colors from fuschia and green, to purple and blue. I know I don't have a copyright on purple and blue for wedding colors, but those were my wedding colors as well.

I am just frustrated because if she had gotten married before me, I would never had made my date a week later than hers and use the same colors.

The bridesmaids dress is okay looking, and she wants us to pay the $200 for them. But, I honestly would rather be spending that week with my hubby than watch my cousin marry a guy that emotionally abuses her, is unemployed, and spends all her money without asking. (Believe me, I've talked to her about him before and she refuses to believe he is taking advantage of her).

She just invited all the bridesmaids in the end of January to go get fitted for dresses, and I just don't know how to tell her I don't want to be in the wedding. I don't want to come across as rude to her, so any help would be really appreciated.

[Krissy]

Why do you really not want to be in the wedding? Is it because you don't like who's she's marrying? Or because you feel she's copying you?

Honestly, if it's the copy thing, I would just say get over it. Yours was first so everyone will know you weren't the one to copy. Yeah, it's your one year anniversary, but you'll have others and you can always celebrate before or after the actual day if you really wanted to go away.

If it's because of the guy, then that's another thing. But I would have thought if he really bothered you and you didn't support the marriage that you would have said something before she changed the wedding date and colors.

Either way, if you REALLY and TRULY don't want to be in the wedding party. Just tell her you're not comfortable in that role and leave it at that.

Now, if you're not in the wedding party, will you still attend the wedding?

[ginny]

Why do you really not want to be in the wedding? Is it because you don't like who's she's marrying? Or because you feel she's copying you?

Honestly, I just don't want to see her get married to this guy when I know she deserves so much better.

I'm really "meh" about the date and colors. I just wished she had told me directly instead of hearing it through my aunt, because whenever I talked to her she never mentioned that she had changed the date.

Now, if you're not in the wedding party, will you still attend the wedding?

Probably, I want to be as supportive as I can be, even if I decide not to be a bridesmaid.

[~LeAna~]

Wow that sucks!!

ITA agree with everything Krissy said.

I know that her copying you sucks. Personally, I wouldn't give her a lot more advice to prevent even more duplications (none of the, we went with this DJ, here for invitations, etc).

You guys can always go away the week before your anniversary.

I know that you might not like the guy she's marrying, but at this point it may look like you're upset that she's copying you and that may come across as immature. I mean she knows she's copying you.

If you really don't want to be in the wedding, I would just say that circumstances have arisen and it will simply no longer be possible and that you are sorry.

[angie]

Don't let the copying thing bother you. Take it as a form of flattery. Everyone knows you did it first and she's going to be the one looking silly about it esp. if it's real noticable.

As far as the guy goes, you've already spoken your piece with your cousin about it. If you choose not to be a bridesmaid over it, you may have to deal with a strained relationship with your cousin. You need to decide which is more worth it to you.

[*Ashley*]

Tell her that while you love her, you don't feel comfortable standing up beside her on that day. That is reserved for people who are supporting her in the marriage she is choosing and that as much as she means to you, you don't feel comfortable supporting her in this marriage. She'll be hurt at first, but when they divorce down the road she'll know you were right.

I think the copying thing is more of an "icing on the cake" thing for you, at least that's how it sounds. If my SIL chose the same colors as me marrying her current boyfriend I wouldn't think anything of it -- I'd be overjoyed to help her. However if it were someone I hated, I'd be annoyed. It sounds like it's just a bad situation made worse.

*hugs* Good luck girly, you're in a tough spot.

[ginny]

You guys can always go away the week before your anniversary.


That's true. We were talking about maybe doing a Wed.-Wed. type trip so I would still be able to go to the rehearsal and wedding.

Don't let the copying thing bother you. Take it as a form of flattery. Everyone knows you did it first and she's going to be the one looking silly about it esp. if it's real noticable.

As far as the guy goes, you've already spoken your piece with your cousin about it. If you choose not to be a bridesmaid over it, you may have to deal with a strained relationship with your cousin. You need to decide which is more worth it to you.

I really don't want our relationship to be strained, for cousins, we're really close. She's one of those people you don't talk to for a month and then when you get together you start right where you left off. She was my maid of honor for a reason. I really don't want one day to ruin our friendship.

Tell her that while you love her, you don't feel comfortable standing up beside her on that day. That is reserved for people who are supporting her in the marriage she is choosing and that as much as she means to you, you don't feel comfortable supporting her in this marriage. She'll be hurt at first, but when they divorce down the road she'll know you were right.


That is a really good response, and you're right, it is a tough spot. And I'm already horrible at making decisions, luckily I still have some time, so hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be able to talk to her.

[Mandy]

I gotta say, I know where you're coming from. I know how important the 1st anni can be. Yes, you'll have others to celebrate (many more!), but there's something about the first one as a married couple that's special. I know a lot of couples who take vacations (we're doing it on our 2nd anniversary and going back to our honeymoon spot).

You can always tell your cousin that you were unaware of the change in date and have prior vacation plans that you're unable to break. Either way, I wish you the best, because this is a sticky situation at best. Good luck hon!!

[Raychel]

I would decide 100% what your reason is for not wanting to be part of the wedding and then let her know from there. Honestly from my perspective, if you guys are extremely close this could cause some hurt. Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't see it any other way from my point of view.

[~*Kate*~]

I would decide 100% what your reason is for not wanting to be part of the wedding and then let her know from there. Honestly from my perspective, if you guys are extremely close this could cause some hurt. Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't see it any other way from my point of view.

That's pretty much what I was thinking too. When my sister got married, I wasn't a huge fan of her FH, and she knew that I was her MOH because I love her and support her right to make her own decisions as an adult, not because I necessarily was psyched about that particular decision. Thankfully, I've been proven wrong in a lot of my initial impressions of her DH, which I realize is not always the case. But if I had refused to stand up for her, I don't think our relationship could ever have been restored to its former state, even if he had proven to be completely worthless. The other considerations (colors, scheduling) kind of pale in comparison to that-- if you chose to tell her you can't be in the wedding b/c of a vacation, what are the chances she will think that you're covering something up? :shrug:You have a right to decide what you're willing to do, but I don't see any way of stepping down without really hurting the friendship.

[lalalola]

We got married a year and a day after DH brother and we were definately not copying them, it was the day that suited us.

[Winter_Bride]

I would decide 100% what your reason is for not wanting to be part of the wedding and then let her know from there. Honestly from my perspective, if you guys are extremely close this could cause some hurt. Maybe I'm wrong but I just can't see it any other way from my point of view.

It sounds to me (please correct me if I'm wrong) that your biggest issue is with the guy, but the wedding stuff is just icing on the cake.

You need to weigh pros and cons of it all. First anniversaries are definately important, but would it still be as important if you delayed the trip for a week or two? It's annoying that she's copying everything you did for your special day, but I don't think there's much you can do there other than as LeAna suggested - don't give her any more help in finding vendors or giving ideas.

Which is more important to you? What would the long-term effects be of not being in her bridal party? Would she be insulted by your backing out, or understand?

You've asked for help as to how to tell her though, so it sounds like your mind is made up. I would meet with her one-on-one and explain to her why you can't be in her wedding party. I would neglect to mention the annoyance at the choices she's made that mirrored your wedding. If she already knows how you feel about her FH, I would probably avoid that topic as well. I would focus on the plans you've had for your first anniversary, and that you don't feel you'd be able to fulfil your duties as a BM. Point out that it wouldn't be fair to her to have you in her wedding party if you can't be there for the crutial week before. Hopefully she'll understand, although I probably would have brought this up sooner (though it's probably taken you this long to process everything and come to a decision).

[*Diane*]

I don't see how stepping down from her wedding will solve the problem whether the problem is that she is copying your beautiful wedding or that her FH is a jerk. It will only create a new issue and she may not ever feel about you the same way. Your relationship will be damaged forever, maybe not ruined but definitely damaged.

[ginny]

Update!

Okay so I went and had lunch with my cousin a few weeks ago so I could talk to her about my doubts about me being a bridesmaid.

I told her that I am here for her anyway, but I was just uncomfortable that she was marrying a guy that was taking advantage of her. She understood where I was coming from, and could see why I brought it up. The last time she spoke about him doing this to her was in the fall, and since she never told me anything else afterwards, I assumed it was continuing.

She had actually confronted him about what he was doing, and long story short, they talked for a few weeks about how to work things out and if they were really ready to get married.

She said since then, he has cleaned his act up, gotten a job with the county police, and is helping to pay for the wedding.

She said that she would understand if I didn't want to be in the bridal party and to just let her know.

A week later, Todd and I invited her and her fiance up to our house for dinner. And since the last time I saw him, he does seem to have matured a lot, which made me feel better about my cousin.

Last weekend, I talked to her again, and told her that I wanted to be as supportive as possible with her marriage, since her fiance seemed to be ready to step up and take responsibility, and if she needed anything to let me know.

She asked if I would still be her bridesmaid, and I asked what time she would pick me up to get the dresses fitted. I am much more excited now, and believe me, it makes me feel so much better to see this guy not doing all the crap he did to her for awhile, and everything seems to be going well.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I honestly thought she was going to be upset with me for bringing it up, but she completely understood. Her life has been quite hectic lately and whenever we talk she never said much about her fiance so I wasn't really sure how their relationship was going since the fall.

[~*Kate*~]

That's great news! :) Glad everything resolved itself in such a good way!

[Winter_Bride]

:word: I'm so glad everything worked out for both of you!

[*Ashley*]

That's awesome! I'm so happy to hear that, Gina!