Big MoH Problems

[flasoxgirl]

Sorry really long:

I am having a really big problem with my maid of honor to the point that I really don't want her in my wedding anymore. For the most part she has been helpful during the planning, but sometimes her advice is overwhelming. She gives her opinion and instead of just offering it up she won't let go of the idea and if any resistance is given she keeps on and on. I know that she means well but it makes me not want to talk to her about things.

The real problem is about the dress. She has been nasty about the dress since the day that I got engaged. She has been making cracks about wearing pants even though she knows how much it bothers me. I told her from the beginning that she would have to wear a dress and had a year to plan for it. I also told her that I wanted the dress to be floor length and she constantly made rude comments about that and everytime she would show me a dress it would be either cocktail or tea length and then she would say oh yeah but you won't let me wear that. I finally agreed that she could wear a different dress as the MoH because every single thing I picked out she would say it was the ugliest thing she had ever seen, without even seeing it in person. I didn't even want to bring up the dress and going to look for it but time is marching on and it is getting to where we have to start thinking about it. Finally one of the other BM's said to her so when are we going shopping.

Last Saturday I went to David's Bridal with 3 of my 8 BM's. We tried on many dresses and every time the MoH came out of the dressing room she had another nasty comment to make. At one point she said to the girl helping us "you have a pantssuit in the back waiting for me right?" I looked at her and said that's not funny and had to walk away for a minute. I was THIS close to saying I don't want you in my wedding, please leave. I found a few dresses I like but she was being a bigger bitch about each one. Finally they tried on a dress that I hated on sight. Of course this is the one that they all agreed that they LOVED. The first one I saw was on the MoH which was a mint green and I almost had a heart attack. When I saw it in black it did look much better but I still wasn't thrilled. All three wouldn't stop about how much they loved it but the other two respected the fact that I didn't really like it. When they went outside for a minute I decided to try it on myself and saw that it really did look good and take about 20 pounds off. Based on this I decided that since it did look ok in black I would go with it, mostly so I wouldn't have to deal with the MoH anymore.

I thought that everything was taken care of but now a new issue has come up. Her BF lost his job last week and she is flipping out about money. I understand that it is stressful but I purposely said that we didn't have to order the dresses until the beginning of March so that everyone would have time to save up the money. I told her that the only people I was worried about paying for it were the three who went to Davids and March should give them all time. Apparently she was offended that I said that even though the other two had no problem with it. So today she calls me and said "I don't want to discuss the dress anymore and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't bring it up since I was upset when we hung up the other day. Hopefully I will have the money by March but if not oh well" My answer to this was if this is going to be a problem for you , then you don't have to be in the party and maybe you can do a reading instead, I wouldn't mind.

I honestly meant this, I don't want to have to walk on eggshells for the next 5 months. I want my MoH to be someone that I can talk to and that is interested in my wedding. She told my other BM that she was really hurt that I said that. To be honest I don't care anymore. She is the type of person who is overly sensative and everything hurts her feelings and she always has some kind of crisis (mostly real) going on.

So my question is what do I do? I have 3 options. I can try to talk to her about it but she is not at all the type of person who is easy to talk to about these things and it could very well end our friendship.

I can let it go and just talk to other BM's about things

I can start world war three and tell her I don't want her in my wedding which of course would definately end the friendship.

I feel like I lose in all three options

Help

[Winter_Bride]

I'm looking at your wedding date, and you're getting close. But I would say that ESPECIALLY if you haven't ordered BM dresses yet, kick her out.

I don't know your prior relationship with her, or whether you've tried to talk to her already. But if she's giving you this much stress NOW, I can't see it getting ANY better. You need someone to HELP you with your plans, and support you as you prepare for this life-changing event. If she can't or isn't willing to do that, then you need to let her know that you don't need her in your wedding party.

Obviously let her know in a nicer manner than what I've said here. You could even bring up the obvious financial burden that it would be on her to buy the dress, and her actions seem to say that she's not at all interested in helping you.

Please know that this is coming from a person who doesn't really know either of you. I'm going off just what you've written here. I also see countless brides in this vent thread complain about unsupportive BMs, and newlyweds who wish they could have changed that one person in their wedding party.

[*alissa*]

I agree with Erie...you need someone who is going to support you and help you, not make things harder for you.

You can try to talk to her...but from what you've posted, I dont see it helping much.

[Raychel]

She sounds like she embodies nothing that a good MOH should.

Just based on what you said here about her, I don't know if I could stand to be in the same room with her for 5 minutes :lol:

Honestly I would just make it short and sweet...you order the dress by xx date or you're not the MOH.

[flasoxgirl]

Thank you for your replies. I didn't make it clear that as bad as she can be is as good as she can be. She can be the most helpful wonderful person in the world. When she decides that she wants to get something done, she goes overboard. The biggest problem is that she has no family and considers her friends to be her family. As a result of this she is much harder on her friends then the normal person. She is also the most sensative person I have ever met and gets offended much easier then she should.

I know that I don't want her to be my MoH if I can't even discuss things with her, but I don't know if that is worth ruining our friendship.

[Winter_Bride]

Even knowing that information, I would still lean towards kicking her out of your wedding party, but you ultimately need to decide what is best for you. If your friend is truly so wonderful, then you need to talk to her and let her know what she's doing to you. If she still doesn't stop, then you've given her warning. It's not fair for her to treat her friends that way, and maybe this will be a wakeup call for her.

Otherwise, keep her in your wedding party - you have 7 other BMs that you can lean on, and just ignore her bad comments.

I somewhat know the type of person you're talking about now, and can imagine this is a hard decision either way...

[Poloke]

Kick her out of the wedding. She's been nothing but frustrations to you, and a MOH should not be that. She had a full year's notice to save money for the gown, so that should not be a problem, still she says it "might be" and "if i can't afford it o, well".

The gowns are YOUR choice, it is YOUR wedding. NOT HERS. She's nothing but a pain to you right now and this should be a happy time for you. Notice the other gals respect you and your opinions, while they give their opinions they realize you have the last say as the bride. This MOH does not respect you enough to not cross that line, and has had plenty of time to get her SH*T in gear and get with the program. Get her out of your party and you'll be much happier. If it ruins the relationship, then so be it. Really, do you need a friend like that?

She should be happy for you. Give you opinions but understand you will do what you like because this is your wedding. Be there for you, support you. All she is doing now is causing undo stress to you, time & time again.

Tell her politely that you understand her financial hardships and would rather her come as a guest to the wedding than to be in the wedding. Thank her for what help she has given you and tell her that her invitation will soon be in the mail.

[Krissy]

Give her the boot!

You say she is a good friend when she's not like this. But honestly, what kind of a friend is not supportive for a good friend's wedding? She's not being helpful or easy going AT ALL. This is your day, not hers. She needs to keep her emotions in check and realize that you're being so nice to allow them to wear a dress you don't particularly like and then to wait to order it for a couple months.

I would kick her out and I would do it soon.

[Kathy]

I had a friend exactly like that, except our friendship luckily ended before I asked anyone to be my bridesmaids. She could be absolutely wonderful or completely awful, just like yoe described your MoH. I just happened to make the mistrake of living with her at the beginning of my engagement, and experienced her true awfulness at the perfect time, so I didn't have to worry about dealing with her when she decided to be mean and awful.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this during your planning, but I would definitely consider asking her to not be in the bridal party anymore. There's still enough time for you to be able to enjoy the rest of the planning.

[*Diane*]

So today she calls me and said "I don't want to discuss the dress anymore and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't bring it up since I was upset when we hung up the other day. Hopefully I will have the money by March but if not oh well" My answer to this was if this is going to be a problem for you , then you don't have to be in the party and maybe you can do a reading instead, I wouldn't mind.


I think you have already made your decision by telling her this. Has she responded to you?

[flasoxgirl]

She said no right away. She has told our other friends how hurt she was by my saying that but my answer is then she shouldn't have said oh well. She also told them that she was hoping that I would offer to pay for the dress for her. The thing is that I totally would have but I was already so annoyed by everything else that I didn't want to make that offer.

I really don't want to end the friendship so I am not going to say anything right now. I am lucky enough to have a bridal party of 8 girls and the rest of them have been wonderful so I am just going to count on them to help me with everything from now on. Her BF already got another job so the money issue shouldn't be a problem anymore.

[*alissa*]

She also told them that she was hoping that I would offer to pay for the dress for her.

I figured as much..but didn't want to say anything because I don't know this girl.
By the sound of the things, I figure she just doesn't want to pay for the dress, period.

[Poloke]

are you going to keep her as MOH or let one of the other gals take that role?

[flasoxgirl]

I hate to say it but I think i am going to take the cowardly way out and officially keep her as MoH but have the other girls plays an equal role. If I took her at of MoH that would also end the friendship and I really don't want to deal with that fallout right now, it is easier just to let things be. At the same time I am not going to depend on her as I have been and lean much more on the others who have been wonderful.

[*Diane*]

At least you know where you stand with her. Sad but true that weddings bring out the real personality of some people.

[*alissa*]

You have to do what you think is best.
And at least you do have your other BM's to rely on.

[flasoxgirl]

We have a group of 4 girls who are all best friends. The 3 who went to David's with me. The other 2 think that a big part of the problem is that she is jealous that I am getting married before she is. She has been with her BF for 8 years and they were engaged at one point but she called it off. They never really broke up but just went back to BF/GF. I was always the single one and she actually introduced me to DH. They think that in the back of her mind it is bothering her that I am the one going first. I think it also bothers her that my parents are paying for the wedding, when part of the reason they have waited to long is because they can't afford to have a wedding and she isn't someone to go small, she would rather wait.

[*Diane*]

That makes sense. If she is jealous of your folks paying for the wedding, that would explain why she thinks you should pay for her dress. It isn't logical thinking but jealousy is a strange beast.

[flasoxgirl]

Well things just officially went from bad to worse. I decided to send her an email and tell her what was bothering me but I said that we had been having problems with miscommunication. I was careful to be really nice and say that I wanted to clear up our issues. She sent me back an email saying she didn't understand why I was upset and gave me a list of things she feels that I have been "insensative" about.

I am officially done. I don't need her to moralize my life and tell me what I can and can't say. Most of the things she was so offended about were said about the whole bridal party but somehow she was the only one who was offended. At this point I am just not doing anything, I am not answering the email because there is no way I can say it nicely. I am certainly not calling her, I am just not doing anything but I really don't plan on talking to her again. I told the other 2 that I love them both and either one can be my MoH.

I have been through this before with a friend and I learned my lesson the last time. I had a friend for 16 years who treated me very badly. Except for the fact that it was a friend and not a bf it was an emotionally abusive relationship. Shortly after meeting FH, I cut off all communication with her. My MoH hated her and to this day will say what a horrible person she was. She is right but the problem is that they are a LOT alike, although I wouldn't quite call her abusive but they have a lot of things in common. I am just getting to the point where I don't need people like that in my life.

[Winter_Bride]

I am so sorry for this new update :( :hug:

You *should* communicate with her ONCE more, just to let her know for certain that she is out of your wedding party, if that is your ultimate decision. You do not have to answer anything adressed in her e-mail to you, but it's only fair to let her know so that there is no question later on.

I really hope for nothing but the best to come from this decision. I know it's hard to let go of a friend, especially when things end this way. I hope that you are able to find peace, and that the rest of your wedding plans go smoothly without the added stress of this! :glomp:

[*alissa*]

:glomp:

[*Diane*]

So so sorry that she has chosen this path. She will be the biggest loser in the end. :bighug:

[hellobethie]

I agree with Erie. And couldn't have said it better myself.

Wow. That sucks. I'm sorry.

[Raychel]

Sorry to read a bad update.

I agree that you should just communicate with her once more, just be blunt and straight to the point that she is out of the wedding.

Clearly you don't need somebody like that in your life.

[flasoxgirl]

Ok so my bridesmaid who is the lawyer and is a mediator made me calm down and rethink this situation. She pointed out that while she agrees with why I am upset part of it is my fault for letting things build up and not pointing out something that bothers me right away. She said that I was already mad and this was just the final straw but since my MoH doesn't know that I was already mad at her she doesn't see why I am so upset. She helped me to write another long email but this time lay everything out on the table but in a nice way. From her talks with Jeanine she feels that she will be very receptive to it. We'll see what happens.

[Mrs. Bebe]

I can totally relate to your frustration! One of my bridesmaids is stressing me out so much that I can't even stand to think of my wedding right now. She's totally killing the fun...well, her and my MIL anyway...no real advice. Just big hug.

[Mandy]

Wow. I'm really really sorry you had to go through this! I too had to dismiss one of my bridesmaids for many of the same reasons you've stated here. It ended up being a really, really difficult decision, and I still feel it was the best one given the circumstances.

Just remember, no matter what you decide to do, you need to think ahead of the wedding. Are you sure your friendship could survive her being a MoH and having all these bad experiences?

In my case, it took a long time for me and the ex BM to come around to one another. She understands why I had to make the deicision I did, and she's apologized for her actions since then. Still, I feel like I missed out on a lot of good experiences I could've had with her while we were upset at one another, and I know it cast a really heavy feeling on me all throughout my planning.

Either way, you need to sit down with her and work on the friendship. It's not so much about the wedding. Your wedding, while important, is only one day. Don't lose sight of the fact that you obviously want to preserve this friendship. If you decide you're just not comfortable having her as a part of the party, perhaps she can be the Bridal Attendant, or something equally important, but doesn't require her to spend any money or get involved in the stress of the planning process. If she's just being catty because she's jealous, then you're better off going out to lunch/dinner and just talking about it. Maybe she just needs to vent about her situation. Emails can be misinterpreted, and it shows you're genuinely concerned about the state of your relationship if you're willing to talk face-to-face.

Good luck in the future...and I hope everything turns out perfectly for you both!

[nikkiscott]

Have you thought about just having her as a BM instead of a MAOH?? That way she is still part of the wedding party, but not the main person who helps you with everything. Just a thought and my :twocents:.


I hate that when people are asked to be part of a wedding party that they think they can cause all these problems for the bride and groom. I think that someone should write a book about how people should act and what not while in the wedding party.

I hope that you are able to come some sort agreement with her. I hope she realizes what she is doing to stress you out. I am glad that you have another bm that can help you through this stressful time.

[flasoxgirl]

Thank you for all the nice responses. I am working hard on keeping sight of the friendship and realizing while she has her bad points, she has her very good points too. I sent her a long email today pretty much laying everything out that was bothering me. I went through point by point and while I worded it very carefully not to be hurtful out of anger, I was pretty blunt. My main point was that I am not going to walk on eggshells for her and I am not going to let her moralize my life. All of the things that she took as so hurtful were not meant towards her and I am not at all the type that is going to think carefully about every word I say when I know that it has nothing to do with her. I do know that she read it but she has not yet responded. It took me a week to respond to her last email so this time I could be waiting for a month. We will see what happens.

[*Diane*]

Well, you did the right thing and there probably is comfort in that. :bighug:

[flasoxgirl]

Well, you did the right thing and there probably is comfort in that. :bighug:

Thank you, that means a lot.

She sent me a nice response saying she is very busy with school right now but would really like to talk to me. I think we will get through this.

[*Diane*]

That is the best that could happen! :yesyes:

[flasoxgirl]

We finally spoke yesterday and things are ok. I am just going to be careful about what I say and lean on the other girls a little bit more.