Wedding Question: Would you rather...

[Sk8ermaiden]

This is not really a vent, but I'm putting it here anyway. My FSIL's parents are loaded and have jumped 100% on the wedding bandwagon (never mind that she and my BIL knew each other all of 6 weeks before getting engaged). I think it's great for her that her parents want to pay for the whole thing (and are also buying her a brand new car before she ties the knot). But the thing is, her mom is planning the wedding - all by herself.

What gets me the most is that FSIL and BIL don't seem to mind at all that they have not been asked their opinions on anything. Which I guess, more power to them, but I still don't get it.

Would you rather have a $50,000 wedding that was planned without any input from you, or a $5,000 wedding that you and your FH planned together??

[Sk8ermaiden]

My view on it is that that day is so important and personal. Why would you want it to be someone else's vision of your wedding?

[carolinalady67]

I'd much rather have the $5000 wedding I planned. I think it is great when parents want to pay for their kids weddings, but hate it when they use the fact that they are paying for it against the "kids" and think they should have more say in the wedding then the two getting married.

[Deidre98]

I would much rather have the $5000 wedding that DH and I planned. Your wedding day reflects your personality as a couple and I don't think anyone else should plan it without any input from the couple. My mother largely planned my wedding because she is great at planning parties. However, she did ask me my opinions on everything and the only time she really did whatever she wanted was if I had no opinion on the subject at all. Most of the things she planned by herself were such tiny details anyway so it really didn't matter to me.

[~*Kate*~]

I would much rather have the $5000 wedding that DH and I planned. Your wedding day reflects your personality as a couple and I don't think anyone else should plan it without any input from the couple. My mother largely planned my wedding because she is great at planning parties. However, she did ask me my opinions on everything and the only time she really did whatever she wanted was if I had no opinion on the subject at all. Most of the things she planned by herself were such tiny details anyway so it really didn't matter to me.

:yeah: Pretty much word for word. :lol:

[dolface546]

As someone who's mother is using "we are paying" against me I say $5000. Every decision I make is fought!

[Angela]

I would much rather have the $5000 wedding that DH and I planned. Your wedding day reflects your personality as a couple and I don't think anyone else should plan it without any input from the couple. My mother largely planned my wedding because she is great at planning parties. However, she did ask me my opinions on everything and the only time she really did whatever she wanted was if I had no opinion on the subject at all. Most of the things she planned by herself were such tiny details anyway so it really didn't matter to me.

I totally agree. That being said, my BIL and SIL did not care one iota about their wedding, and would have been glad if someone had offered to plan the whole thing for them. They just wanted to be married, and didn't care about the wedding day much at all.

[Sk8ermaiden]

They just wanted to be married, and didn't care about the wedding day much at all.

But why have a wedding then? I don't get that. Weddinsg are such a Big Freaking Deal, and SO expensive. Why have one if neither of you really care?

[Poloke]

I guess it really depends on a lot of variables. Some people like complete control over their day, some don't like being in charge, and others just don't care to be bothered with planning.
The personalities of the parents can really matter too. If FSIL's mom is laid back it might be ok. If she's pushy/bossy/ controlling, forget it.

Personally, I'd go for the big wedding. Having had the stress of planning my own small wedding I'd like to see what someone else would do for us and not have to worry about a thing. 50k all the way.

[Poloke]

But why have a wedding then? I don't get that. Weddinsg are such a Big Freaking Deal, and SO expensive. Why have one if neither of you really care?

Maybe that couple think of it this way:

the wedding is just a day, the marriage is what lasts for years. :)

[Sk8ermaiden]

Maybe that couple think of it this way:

the wedding is just a day, the marriage is what lasts for years. :)

That doesn't address my question at all. :dunno:

I wouldn't let my mom buy me a $50K gift I cared nothing about. That would be a horrible waste of 50K.

[Raychel]

The 5k way, totally.

Unless it was a situation where with the 50k, everything was so amazingly beautiful and just my style :giggle:

[Poloke]

I'm lost then. ...

[Raychel]

But why have a wedding then? I don't get that. Weddinsg are such a Big Freaking Deal, and SO expensive. Why have one if neither of you really care?

They don't have to be a big deal IMO..and don't have to be expensive either, but obviously if the parents are dishing out 50k..it is going to be a big deal and very expensive b/c 50,000 dollar weddings are not low key and informal :lol:

Maybe they don't care but are going along with it for the parents sake, or maybe they just figure if the parents are going to dish it out, they are going to take it.

[MsJessica07]

Maybe they think the wedding is important to the family...as in, having a big get together for the family, even if it's just for your parents sake, maybe it means enough to them to go along with the plans, because it is obviously important to the parents, even if it isn't important to the bride and groom.

Just a though! :twocents:

[Poloke]

that is what I meant, what raychel and jess said. Guess I didn't say it the right way to get across my point.

[Sk8ermaiden]

If I didn't care at all about a wedding, but my family did. Then maybe I'd go along with it. But I sure as heck wouldn't pay for or plan it myself. So I understand that aspect. (Which would make my FSIL's position more understandable, except I know this not to be the case for them.)

Here's another question. If you didn't want a big wedding, but your family did, would you be willing to take on the expense and stress to plan it? (Assuming you family is neither donating their money nor time.)

But Angela G's story, which was the one I asked the question about. They didn't care one iota, and were planning it themselves. They would have loved for someone else to plan it for them. This is a different situation from, I don't want a wedding but my mom does and will do all the work.

[Angela]

But why have a wedding then? I don't get that. Weddinsg are such a Big Freaking Deal, and SO expensive. Why have one if neither of you really care?

They actually won a "free" wedding from a local radio station, so not much $$ was actually spent on their end. I know that they also wanted to have a day for their friends and family to celebrate - that was basically it. I think they would've been happy with a small, private wedding, but with both being from such large families, it just wasn't going to happen.

I totally understand what you mean, though ;)

ETA: You guys actually posted while I was, and Jess was right on the money....

[Poloke]

Here's another question. If you didn't want a big wedding, but your family did, would you be willing to take on the expense and stress to plan it? (Assuming you family is neither donating their money nor time.)



Hell nah.

No way would I cave and then pay for some huge massive event if its not what I wanted. If I wanted small & intimate for a wedding but the 'rents wanted a "big fat greek wedding", well, IMHO, it had better be on their dime if we were to cave in and let them have their way.

[Angela]

Here's another question. If you didn't want a big wedding, but your family did, would you be willing to take on the expense and stress to plan it? (Assuming you family is neither donating their money nor time.)



No freakin' way....I don't mind doing some things to try and make them happy, but something so expensive/stressful? I don't think so.

[PrairieDawn]

In many cultures, groups, circles, eras, the wedding is the parents' party. It is the event at which they celebrate the giving of their daughter. I know of a few brides who had little to no say in their wedding other than veto power over the dress. I don't think we should question what other people think is ok. If your SIL is fine with this -- and I'm guesing this way is the norm in her family -- then I wouldn't worry about it.

That said, I had two weddings. The first was the party that my parents gave for me. I chose the church, the music, the dinner menu, the favours, my bouquet and my shoes. The rest was chosen for me. Including my dress. The second one was OURS in every way, but in my family when you are an adult, living on your own, and especially if you are re-marrying, the family does not host the party for you. So by being divorced and re-marrying I had the luxury of choosing everything and on a smaller budget.

I can see the pros and cons of both. I can also see how culture plays a big part.


...Pam

[Raychel]

Here's another question. If you didn't want a big wedding, but your family did, would you be willing to take on the expense and stress to plan it? (Assuming you family is neither donating their money nor time.)



My knee jerk reaction is f*ck no.

[*Diane*]

:yeah: Pretty much word for word. :lol:

As the mother of which she speaks, I did make decisions for both of my girl's weddings but never, ever, ever unless I had been given the go-ahead. I had to choose Biz's veil and hair jewelry without her because we bought it online and she had no internet access. I described it to her and she said that she trusted my judgement. I was completely on pins and needles until she saw them and loved them.

I would like to think that we hit the perfect balance with my daughters' weddings.

Now if I was a new bride and had to make the choice.....unless I knew that the $50000 wedding was going to be one of my liking, that someone I trusted and who really knew the both of us was planning- I would say no and take the $5000 wedding I planned myself.

and BTW, even a $5000 wedding can be pretty darn incredible!

[Sk8ermaiden]

and BTW, even a $5000 wedding can be pretty darn incredible!

For sure. :yes: But it sure does take a lot of work.

[angie]

I find this a hard question to answer. If I had a $5000 wedding, I wouldn't have had everything I wanted anyway. I don't win in either situation.

[PrairieDawn]

My wedding was $5,000 and a HUGE amount of work to pull it off on that budget. But almost all of our dreams came true that day. I doubt my parents would have made the same choices for me with that budget. They definitely wouldn't have "wasted" $400 on a horse and carriage.

...Pam

[Renny]

Well heck even 5,000 is more than I had so it would be a win win thing for me. :lol:

I would have to say if my parents just wanted to throw away 50,000 on me I'd tell them you can have 5,000 to plan my wedding and I'll take the 45,000 and apply it towards a home and new cars ;) I totally trust my mom and dad in picking out things I would like and even if I didn't I would know it was done with love.