For those of you who DON'T get along with ILs and FILs

[Raychel]

If you care to share

For those of you who don't get along with your future in laws or in laws, what is the reasoning behind the discord?


Have you tried to patch things up?

Is there some reason why things will never be able to be repaired?

[Mandy]

I don't know if it's the fact that I don't like them, it's more that I just dont feel comfortable around them. Everything was fine until Chad proposed. Suddenly, these nice, fun people I had known for the previous 2 years disappeared, and these dominating, rude, mean people came out instead.

It kinda started over the wedding. They ALWAYS had an opinion. It wasn't our wedding--it was theirs. Many of my ILs had never been to a proper wedding before, and thought that because they gave us $500, they controled everything from the bridesmaid dresses to the flowers. My MIL is absolutely convinced that literally everything is about her. She's one of those people who fishes for compliments, and acts more like a teenager than a mother. She flirts with our friends, she flirts with my FIL (they divorced...and she's remarried) and she cannot seem to control any of her children. She wasn't around when SIL got knocked up at 14, and she stood by and watched as my other SIL almost flunked out of school...and actually laughs along with her when she shows her pictures of her drinking and smoking...at 17 yrs old.

I just don't have respect for behavior like that. I know everyone has flaws. I'm sure mine could fill up this board. But, I think the foundation of a good relationship is respect. I don't tolerate childish behavior from adults. My FIL is messing around with married women and has told me how I should spend my inheritance from my grandmother. She's still alive! He sat here and lectured me on how I should use the money to pay off Chad's student loans because it'll benefit me in the end. Uhhh...no. This is my money and I will do with it as I please when the time comes.

We all get together, and things are usually alright. When the drama inevitably starts, Chad and I usually just take off. We don't deal with that crap and I don't think we should have to.

[RDC_girl]

One of Mark's sisters is so frustrating. She always picks on me, but then says she is just kidding.

His whole family thinks education is a waste of time and money since most of them have good jobs with no highschool diploma. I have my highschool diploma, I have my degree in Education (Math and English) and am about to move away for the Sign Language interpreter program...

Needless to say they keep telling me that I need to start teaching and not take this other program... It is so frustrating. they dont understand that this is something that I really want to do, and if I dont do it I will regret it for the rest of my life... And most likely blame his family and resent them... I DONT WANT THAT.

They also think I am moving away to get away from their brother... OMG I love him, I dont want to move but this program is not offered here (they are trying to set it up for sept but they still dont have a coordinator) Its just annoying that I have to defend my education to them every family gathering.

[RDC_girl]

So I just went over to his house and his sister told me I was rude and then his nephew (same age as bf) told me to "get off the couch" meaning that I was lazy...

OMG I can live with out them, thats forsure

[Winter_Bride]

Ultimately, my major issue is with MIL. DH is from a small town (actually many different small towns!) and I grew up in the city. Out of his immediate family, he's the first to get a university degree. He and I live in the city I grew up in, and we have good jobs. We work hard and play hard - we drive nice cars, own a nice house, and take nice trips. Because this all started when he graduated university/got a good job/got married, she equates it all with me. She's made snide remarks before about it, and ultimately, I try to ignore her. DH has talked to her a few times about it, and things have gotten a bit better. We will NEVER see eye to eye, and we will NEVER be incredibly close, but we play nice for the most part. Ultimately, I have my own mom and my own dad who love me and love Greg. My parents live in town, MIL lives out of town. I can deal with her on a part-time basis.

I also have issues with BIL and SIL, but that's because there was a series of events around Christmas where they basically made everything revolve around them, and couldn't understand why we didn't want to follow their plans to the letter while we were trying to celebrate our daughter's FIRST CHRISTMAS. :rolleyes:

This all being said, I LOVE my other BIL, and my FIL! They're really fantastic people!!

[nikkiana]

I'm another one where it's a slight exaggeration to say I don't get along with them, it's more that I'm just uncomfortable.... Mainly it's because of MIL.

My MIL is quite religious, and follows a sect of Christianity that I find particularly difficult to accept the doctrine of..... and she never misses an opportunity to talk about her faith, her church, etc. And while normally I'd be very tolerant of such behavior because I realize it's important to people, she does things in such a way that just makes you feel uncomfortable. Any tiny little annoyance you might have and complain about turns into this gigantic big deal thing that needs prayer and she needs to know fifty million more details so she can pray about it effectively.

I'm at the point where I refuse to be around her without FIL within earshot... He's an atheist, and is very intolerant of her "Christian-ese" and if he hears it, he'll pick a fight with her, so she's sorta learned to keep her mouth shut about it when he's around.

[KelciAlexandra]

its not so much his immediate family (mom, dad & sisters) but his aunts, uncles and cousins.

there are a few that i absolutley love and im so thankful that i get to be their family but then there are others that i refuse to be left alone with or that i will not be around at all. several of his 1st cousins have substance issues and i just dont feel safe around, he knows them, he's comfotable around them (when theyre not on anything), and generally he's fine with them because he says its their life not his... im NOT the same way. i do not trust these cousins of his because i've heard and seen (sometimes) how they can act and i do not like it and refuse to be around it. also most of his boy cousins think that one or both us are cheating on the other or will soon start just because none of them can keep their own woohoos to themselves, or that we're just together for the sex because thats what they would do.

and several of his aunts (one in particular) i do not like at all. his one aunt that i cannot stand asked me if i was pregnant the first time she saw me "because i look it" and also told me that if i wasnt that i would be soon (because to her im a slut because i go to college in new orleans)

[dolface546]

I love my ILs but for my FH life is rough with my family. It is actually to the point that I tell him he doesn't have to go on outings with my family. My immediate family is very uncomfortable with him and my mom trash talks him when he is not around and complains to my sisters about him. One of my sisters is VERY uncomfortable around him and will not let her guard down. My other sister is more neutral than anything.
My extended family (mostly aunts and uncles) are horrible! They don't say anything to his face but mock him when he is not around. At my grandmother's birthday party Glenn had been playing with the kids doing funny voices and laughs. When we went inside the house my uncle apparently made a comment. His wife came in the house and repeated it to the people in the room (FH wasn't there but I was standing right next to her). It was something about how Glenn is childish or something.....anyway, we left about 10 minutes later because I was so upset.
My cousin Jackie got on to everyone after I left saying "this is why I don't bring my fiancee to family things, because you all treat people so badly!"

Jackie and I are really tight at the moment, she got pregnant with said fiancee and is not allowed to show her face at her house or my grandmother's until she is married! Her 2 younger siblings and grandmother have not been told. My family is so horrible.:sigh:

[MsJessica07]

In general, my ILs are fine. Except for a couple of issues.

1. There are occassions where we feel like we end up "parenting" them. I.E. they are trying to remodel the kitchen, but in order for it to actually happen in a timely manner, they asked us to not only help a little with planning issues and all that, but to basically keep them on task. Why? Because otherwise they can't work it out together as a couple. We took them to their first Home Depot/Menards afternoon, after I made sure that they had had a nice relaxing lunch and that we had nice plans for dinner afterwards, and that they basically didn't fight all afternoon. It's funy because I'm not sure if a lot of people would handle it like we did, but they need a new kitchen...the stupid thing is falling apart around them practically, they have the money, but they don't seem to understand how to do it themselves.

2. Medical issues. We found out that FIL has Osteoporosis and that MIL is Osteopenic (in the early stages of Osteoporosis) in a kind of by-the-way manner. MIL had a very, very serious allergic reaction to her allergy shots, and FIL EMAILED us to tell us. And then they weren't at all worried that we didn't call and called us on SATURDAY when the event happened on WEDNESDAY. She could have died and they didn't bother to tell us in an effective way. It's shitty because Raif's brother really only communicates with them through email (he's in grad school and kinda weird) so it's like, just treat us like him? What the crap? We're so much better than that, and it's like, oh, whatever. If that had happened with my parents it would've been a family emergency and we would have visited and whatever. My dad had problems with his eye the next week and my mom called me like three hours after they knew what was going on because it had taken them a while to get everything straightened out with appointments and whatever. :sigh:

So yeah. All in all, it could be a lot worse, but honestly I liked them better before they were family.

And I won't even get into how they *****-foot around DH's older brother. The guy is almost 30 and still acts like a selfish bastard teenager. I like the guy, but I HATE the way he treats his parents (and the way they let him treat them) and the way he treats DH. Sigh.

[Squishypig]

I get along with my future IL's thank goodness. We don't agree in certain areas so I keep my guard up so we get along fine. my fSIL is nice but I don't feel really welcomed into her "life". I moved here from a completely different state, didn't know anyone and never had a sister and she never reached out to me. If my brother's fiance moved here and knew no one, I would reach out to her. James says that I should invite her to go places but it's been a couple of years and I don't think I would fit into her group. Sucks.

I got along really well with my former IL's but MY mom didn't get along with HIS mom and it created all sorts of ill feelings all over the board. It was very stressful being in the middle of his family, him and my family. I took the brunt of most of the fighting and was the one who conceded the most. I never, ever want to be in a situation like that ever again.

[BeckyFraser]

For those of you who don't get along with your future in laws or in laws, what is the reasoning behind the discord?
I get along with all of my IL, except for one, My MIL. And actually for that matter, I do get along with her for the most part, she just hates me. :laugh3:
She has never much seemed to like me. From day one, she has made snide, rude comments to me, or about me behind my back. Usually she says things in a way where she can say "You took that wrong, I didnt mean it that way." When it's very clear how she meant it. She is just rude. Example? Okay.
1) At my husbands birthday party, this conversation was heard.
DH Stepdad--Where should I throw this plate away?
MIL--Well, its so classy here, why not just throw it over the hill.
Now, we just bought a place and spent months cleaning it and clearing the land. It is very clean, and we are very organized. Why she would say that I dont have a clue. And there were trashbags for trash!
2) She called my husband last Christmas and told him that she decieded she didnt want any visitors, so for us not to come down. We could get together some time next week. Well, Chrsitmas day rolls around and all my husbands family headed to his Moms house. Why she univited us, we still dont know.
3) One of my MIL friends had the nerve to ask me when I was expecting my baby. (Im NOT pregnant, nor have I ever been) Ok, now I know Im a lil over weight, but thats just rude. Well my MIL looks at me and says "Now dont get upset. She's just not used to seeing you like the rest of us and knowing your just overweight ." (Talk about killing me a little inside)
4) She invited me to a cancer awareness luncheon. Which I really wanted to go, such a good cause. I asked her if I should dress up or what and she told me jeans were fine. So I wear my jeans and a nicer shirt. (Thank God I did) I get there and everyone is dressed to the nines, all fancy! My SIL asked why I didnt dress up and I told her that her Mom told me not to. She just couldnt believe it.
So those are just a few reasons of the problems I have with my MIL.

Have you tried to patch things up?
Kinda, not really. I dont even know what I did to her in the first place. She just dosent seem to like me. But I really dont care anymore. What bothers me is that she treats her son like crap. And that is unfogivable. She dosent have to love me or like me, but she should her own son.

Is there some reason why things will never be able to be repaired?
Yeah, cause she is a cold hearted person who cares about herself and people who will kiss her butt. WHich will never be her son or myself. I am sure my DH loves her, and she will always be welcome at our home, but I just think she keeps digging herself into a hole that she might never be able to climb out of.

Oh, sorry that was so long. LOL

[Jaime]

My MIL is an emotional vampire. She is not able to control her sons, so when I married in to the family *and yes, I am weak* she preyed on me and is now sucking the life out of me. Basically my DH and my BIL wont answer the phone if she calls them 10 times a day. I am the idiot who will. I was trying to be nice, but she wants to have 100% control over me, and I am not having it. My parents also try to control me, and I have cut the ties there too. I will talk to you once a week, but other than that, don't bother me.

I have to stand my ground because once their are children in the mix, it is going to be 50 times worse for us.

My FIL and I get along just fine. We each think the other is crazy for our politcal preferences, but we just don't talk about politics and we're fine.

BIL and I have had our moments. We used to fight like cats and dogs. Now we are a lot more tolerant of each other, but I think it has more to do with growth and change than anything else.

[thefuturemrsgoss]

My fMIL just can't seem 2 grasp the fact that someone else is running her son's life, or that he's trying to run it for himself.

The main problem? she Doesn't wanna give her baby away.

[Robyn]

My husband's family is AMAZING. His parents are great, his grandpa, aunts, uncles, everyone is so nice! I've always felt like family from the beginning. However, his brother's wife is another story. Also known as MissyPooh. Neither DH or I can stand the woman.

What is the reasoning behind the discord?
~ No idea. When T & M were dating, all was fine. G & I were married, they were dating, we'd do stuff together, shop, eat out, etc. She was my witness when we eloped, I thought we were okay with each other. Sure, she was quiet, but maybe she's shy, you know? Fastforward to their wedding. DH was a groomsman. I was a grunt basically. The night before, I folded 300 napkins, didn't get a thank you. For family photos after the wedding, DH asked T if I should follow in our car for pics, she leaned over and said, "Why? She's not family & doesn't need to be there!". Yeah. DH & I had been married for 2 and a half years at that point. Honey, you've been family for 10 minutes. Stil no clue what happened there.

Have you tried to patch things up?
~ I'm nice to her when we see them. But I don't go out of my way to specifically speak to her. They were in July & she sat in MIL's living playing a little handheld slot machine thinger, ignoring all of us. Including her 1 year old.

Is there some reason why things will never be able to be repaired?
~ Too far gone, I think. I just don't care anymore. I've tried for 4 years, & am over it now. Maybe if she lets T take this job 4 hours away from her parents she'll be nicer? Who knows with crazy chick.

[~LeAna~]

I get along well with my inlaws but I've been distancing myself lately. Why? My MIL won't let up about us having a baby. She brings it up everytime we see her and she prefers passive aggresive comments toward me in front of large groups.

She's retiring in December and she keeps saying to her friends while I'm sitting there, "Well, I guess I'll have to go volunteer at the library because I don't have any grandbabies to take care of..." or we had both of our families over for Fathers' Day. I was stressed trying to make sure everyone was happy and once we all sit down to eat, she announces, "Well, obviously LeAna isn't pregnant yet, since she's still drinking beer". I wanted to crawl under the table....

[~*Kate*~]

LeAna, you are a stronger woman than I for not :smack: her yet! :hug99:

[firefightingal]

Love my MIL, HATE my FIL.

Why?
From the get-go, he's been nothing but a whiny-sniveling boor who DEMANDS any and all attention be paid to HIM and no one but HIM. If the conversation, God forbid goes to anything but him and all his holiness, he pouts and stomps off to the garage to drink beer. (yes, this includes during family dinners.

Recently, when I was bedridden after my surgery, my MIL came to stay with us to help with meals, etc, and lo and behold, he showed up with her. THEN asked me to make him dinner/snacks/tea/coffee (uh, no, I'm too doped up on morphine to help you), then complained when he didn't get to spend a lot of time with our son, but ignored him the whole visit. Hey, you a$$hole, pay attention to your grandson, he's right THERE.

Will it be resolved?
I doubt it.

[BrightEyes]

No discord although i was ready to kill her around the wedding- we just had a talk with them showing a united front and Bart always shuts her down if she goes too far. She is wonderful and loving, but just gets on my nerves in large doses because she is very talkative and tends to be pushy.

[jillian]

I don't get alone with his nana. It all started when she accused me of stealing the batteries of the TV remote. Why would I steal batteries? It must have been for the orgy we had in the basement! Yeah cause who doesn't love an orgy with their brother and sister. (She told DH's parents that us, his sister and b/f, and his brother and g/f had an orgy in the basement after a party.) From then on I never had tolerance for this woman. For some unprovoked reason she declared that we wouldn't get a penny of her money to pay for our wedding. We never asked, we never wanted and we never needed. Sorry if another grandchild used you. But even after that she tried to tell me where to have the wedding. And she demanded my MIL pick her up the day his Sittoo (my MIL's mom) died so she could sit at the house and bitch that there wouldn't be this much mourning when she dies. She flat out told me I don't do enough for her Stevie. I told her that her Stevie is a grown man and can do for himself. I could write a book on the ways this woman irks me.

DH says to play nice cause she's his nana and she's old. I try to be nice but she's just a big old grump. I didn't even protest when she gave us her nun figurine collection.


I have no respect for his brother and eSIL. I won't even refer to them as my anything. A man who gives up his child for a woman and a woman who made a man give up his child have no place in my life (or anyone else in the family with the exception of two cousins and an uncle). There are plenty of other things but that's what ended it all, when we were asked to choose. DH misses his brother but he's not the same brother, he's some one we don't know at all anymore. If he were to leave his wife, I know DH would welcome him back into our lives. Their children are always welcomed to find us, even though we will never be considered their aunt and uncle (as told to us by eSIL).

[*Ashley*]

LeAna, you are a stronger woman than I for not :smack: her yet! :hug99:

Uh, word. Seeing as it's your body and your marriage she needs to butt out. My FIL gets irritating at times with it but nowhere NEAR that. He just makes obnoxious arm gestures like he's cradling a baby and it makes me want to slap him.

:hug: Sorry LeAna. I hate to say it but it'll probably only get worse when you do get pregnant. She'll be up your ass and want to go to all your doctor's appointments with you. OMG the thought of my MIL doing that stresses me out. You are DEFINITELY a stronger woman than I am!

[~LeAna~]

LeAna, you are a stronger woman than I for not :smack: her yet! :hug99:

Uh, word. Seeing as it's your body and your marriage she needs to butt out. My FIL gets irritating at times with it but nowhere NEAR that. He just makes obnoxious arm gestures like he's cradling a baby and it makes me want to slap him.

:hug: Sorry LeAna. I hate to say it but it'll probably only get worse when you do get pregnant. She'll be up your ass and want to go to all your doctor's appointments with you. OMG the thought of my MIL doing that stresses me out. You are DEFINITELY a stronger woman than I am!

Thanks ladies... I'm glad you guys see it as inappropriate too! I wonder sometimes if I'm just being too sensitive, but she brings it up literally EVERY TIME we see her. I'm not ready for a baby and neither is her son.