I'm marrying a mama's boy...

[DeeGeeBride2Be2009]

I love my FH to death. Don't get me wrong, I love how close he is to his family and I adore his family. However, every weekend he makes the 2 hour drive back to his hometown to stay with his parents. I just want one weekend where he and I stay home and relax. When I bring that up it starts an argument. He says he HAS to go out there because he needs his mom's help with his homework. However, from what I've seen, 9 times out of 10 she doesn't help him with it, she does it for him! It's so aggravating. I understand him talking to her everyday, I talk to my mom twice a day. But he tells her things he doesn't tell me. He talks in depth with her about his day. He tells her funny things that happen in class that he never tells me. It makes me feel like a complete outsider but I can't tell him that because he's so sensitive that he'll take it the wrong way and go off and pout. I just want to scream sometimes though. I can't even tell you one weekend where he and I just stayed home together. Maybe I'm being selfish. I don't want to take her place. I don't want him to choose between us. I don't even want to come first but it just feels like he would rather spend time with his mom than me. He won't even let me proof read his papers. I'm an English major and he would rather let his mom (who is a math teacher) proof his paper and I've found more than a few mistakes she's made on those. AGH! Anyways, there's my vent for now. I'm just frustrated.

[carolinalady67]

You are not being selfish :hug99:

[Aramelle]

:hug:

You're not at all being selfish. Frankly, this sounds like a serious problem between the two of you that needs to be addressed and resolved, or it will continue to fester and cause larger problems.

But he tells her things he doesn't tell me. He talks in depth with her about his day. He tells her funny things that happen in class that he never tells me. It makes me feel like a complete outsider but I can't tell him that because he's so sensitive that he'll take it the wrong way and go off and pout.

I think it's normal for their to be certain, small things that we all discuss with a particular person but maybe wouldn't with our spouse...heck, sometimes we have a common ground with that person so they will "get" our story where our SO might not. However, this reads to me as though it's become a common thing for him to share little about his everyday life with you and all with his mom. Maybe he doesn't see it as a big deal, but if it's bothering you, it needs to be addressed. I understand you're not wanting to have a confrontation or make him upset, but you need to be able to communicate with each other about things that are bothering you. Sure, it's not usually a fun time to have your SO telling you things you've done to hurt them, but he needs to be willing to listen and work with you to resolve the issue.

I don't even want to come first but it just feels like he would rather spend time with his mom than me.

Frankly, IMO, you should not only want to come first, you should demand it from the person who you are going to committing the rest of your life to. Marriage is about each person making the other the most important person in their life.

[Raychel]

I basically have the exact same thoughts as Aramelle :hug99:

[HisBlue]

I TOTALLY agree with Aramelle.

Being in a relationship with someone who won't put you first is hard... it's ESPECIALLY hard in a marriage. I would talk this over before you get married or it could ruin your marriage and make things worse.

[SueMartin]

are you sure that this is the way you want to spend your entire married life.. because , personally,I dont think he is going to change..

[Angela]

I agree with everything Aramelle said....

My hubby was a mama's boy for the longest time as well. Even after he moved out, they'd call him and be like "Tom, can you come mow the lawn? Can you do this for me? Can you do that?" And he'd go running, even if we already had plans or if I needed him for something. I had tried talking to him about it, and he got upset. Finally, I put my foot down and told him that if I wasn't going to come first, he could just move back home with his parents and forget that he had ever met me, because I knew that if he didn't change his ways before we were married, he wasn't going to do it once we were. And he did change. He still helps them out sometimes (which I don't mind at all), but he always asks me first if I mind.

I know it's not exactly the same thing you're going through, but I do understand how you feel. :hug:

[Kathy]

I completely agree with Aramelle. Your're going to be his wife, and you absolutely should be his first priority over his mother/parents, just as he should be your first priority. It definitely needs to be discussed, and changes do need to be made.

[Maria 05]

I completely agree with Aramelle you may love this man but I dont know if he is ready for marriage

[Mrs.H]

Like everyone else, I completely second everything Aramelle said. My DH is a complete mama's boy too, so I know how you feel, and it is hard. I'm the same way -- one of the things I love best about him is how important his family is to him, so I don't always feel right criticizing. That being said, there is a line, and if you are getting upset there is a problem. Trust me, you need to talk to him about this because it won't get better when you get married (I have about 4 million stories I could tell you if you don't believe me). You don't want this to get to the point that you resent his mother or his relationship with his parents. :hug:

[*Ashley*]

100% in agreeance with Aramelle. You are his wife, you come first.

The thing is, he's going to have to cut the apron strings for ANY woman to marry him. I think you need to have a talk with him about your feelings, seriously. Him being sensitive and running off and pouting is no reason not to talk to him, because he's going to have to be able to hear it sometime, you know? YOUR FEELINGS COUNT TOO! Don't discount your feelings for fear of upseting him -- all that does is upset you and over time I think it will build up a resentment issue. Address it now and keep revisiting it, but just be careful the manner in which you address it -- boys are sensitive about their mama's :)

Good luck! :hug:

[*Sarah*]

I just saw this and thought of you....

http://www.slate.com/id/2184829/?GT1=10935

Dear Prudence,
I've been dating a wonderful man for six years—he's compassionate, smart, funny, and successful—but there's a huge problem. Every weekend since we've been together (that's a lot of weekends), he drives back to his hometown—six hours away, each way. Mind you, he's not in college anymore. He's been out of school for well over a decade. He often gets irritated because he doesn't understand why I don't want to spend my weekends at his parents' home—they are neither sick nor elderly. I go along for the journey every couple of months, and it's nice, but it's a long trip, and it's not my home. Last year, we bought our own home together, and we are talking about having a family. But in the back of my mind, I get a vision of either him bailing on me every weekend to go "home," or us loading up babies for the weekly adventure of cramming into his childhood room. When I suggest he cut down on the trips, he gets defensive and doesn't understand why I think it's a bit strange. Do I suggest relocating our lives so he feels closer to home? Or should I relocate from him?

—Staying Home

Dear Staying Home,
Maybe your boyfriend has had one of those body-switching spells cast on him—like what happened to Tom Hanks in Big. He looks like an adult man, yet you're actually dating a 9-year-old. If he wears footie pajamas on his visits home, I will take that as confirmation of my theory. Obviously, you know that your boyfriend is trapped in a bizarre, smothering, psychological triangle with his parents. Yet for six years you have waved goodbye as he sets off every weekend in order to sleep in his childhood bed. You went ahead and bought a house and are talking about having children with him. So, do you have any thoughts as to what's wrong with you? I accept that your boyfriend has many fine qualities. But these seem outweighed by the fact that you two probably have never gone to a movie together on a Saturday night because he's at his parents' rearranging his baseball cards until his mother comes to kiss him goodnight and say, "Lights out! And no reading in bed with a flashlight!" I know it will be hard to get the equity out of the house you just bought because the real-estate market is depressed, but even more depressing is the prospect of spending any more time there when you know it will never be your boyfriend's real home.

—Prudie

[mengarelli09:)]

First thing first, I want to say is your opinions and thoughts count. My FH was a big mama's boy. We would make plans and then he would have to break them because his family was going to eat as a family. I let this happen many of times. I even told him that I never wanted him to choose between his family (his mother) and me. One Day I was having a very bad day and he choose to go with his family to go out to eat where I worked (Kemah Boardwalk) and he did not come to see me. After that I sat him down and told him that the choice had to be made. I love him. He saw how much he had hurt me and now he talks to his family and me. Sometimes you have to sit down with no interruptions and talk with him to tell him that this hurts and you have the right (by the ring on your finger) to come first. Sorry that this might be blunt but I think as somebody’s (future) wife or even (future) husband should be first to each other. Everything will be fine and is meant to be. :)

[Krissy]

You guys have to deal with this. It will only get worse if you don't stand up for what you need and deserve in your relationship. Of course you don't want to take her place....but your place in his life should be #1. That's just how it works!

[PrairieDawn]

Hi DeeGee

How are the two of you doing on this issue? It is a biggie. Been there, done that. You already know that this has to change. Your marriage has to come first. I will tell you, though, that you cannot change your fiance. He must want to make you first in his life. You telling him that you should come first may just come across as nagging. Might I suggest that you do some pre-marrital counselling through your church or with a private counsellor? I think It might be safer for your relationship to have this issue addressed with an expert third party, instead of you trying to provide the push for change. Good luck.

...Pam

[DeeGeeBride2Be2009]

Hey ladies. Thank you so much for all the input. We've been dealing with the issue and things have gotten much better. We still go to his parents' house but we go out as a couple while we're there rather than spending 100% of the time with them. He also discusses his issues with me rather than just answering my questions with one word. I think that's good progress for now and I already told him that once we're married, we will NOT be driving to his parents' house every weekend and spending the night. I refuse to be sleeping in a separate room than my husband.

[PrairieDawn]

I'm glad to hear that things are improving for you. After you are married, do you honestly think your in-laws will make you sleep in separate rooms?

...Pam

[nikkiscott]

You need to talk to him about no matter how mad or upset he gets. You are going to be his wife, and you need to be first in his life. Not his mom. Plus he should be doing his homework himself and figuring it out, not his mom. Plus with the cost of gas and everything else going up, I am sure the pocketbook is getting a little thin.

But you do need to address this issue. And if can't deal with the talk then something needs to change.


I am glad that things are getting better. Going as a couple I guess is better then him off on his own. I just hope the good things keep happening.

[DeeGeeBride2Be2009]

Thanks ladies! Things are definitely better. He did go alone this weekend but mainly because he had to do my birthday shopping without me around. lol! He knows if he goes shopping I want to go. But in true man style, he goes in, gets what he needs and leaves.